Niles: Well, that's it. It's over. It's over and I've lost. Maris has won. Maris always wins.
Martin: Niles.
Niles: Niles never wins! Niles always loses! That's why Niles lives at the Shangri-La and drives a hatchback!

Frasier: I'm Dr. Frasier Crane, and this is my brother, Dr. Niles Crane, the eminent psychiatrist.
Niles: My brother is too kind. He was already eminent when my eminence was merely imminent.

Frasier: Dad, I'm sorry, if Frederick's anything like me, the kind of toys he'll like to play with are... A kitchen set, a dollhouse and three kinds of Barbies. Oh, good God. This is for a Franklin Crane from Kennebunkport. Oh, God, do you realize what this means?
Niles: Yes. The Cranes of Maine have got your Living Brain.

Niles: [storming in] You unprincipled charlatan! You unconscionable fraud! Happy Birthday, Dad.
Martin: Thanks.
Frasier: Niles, what are you talking about?
Niles: You spoke to a patient of mine today, Caroline. As a result of your fast-food approach to psychiatry, she left me.
Frasier: Caroline was your patient?
Niles: Two years of my hard work wiped out by one of your two-minute McSessions.
Frasier: Niles, I merely suggested that she consider a change.
Niles: Based on what diagnostic method? One potato, two potato?

Niles: What's the point of going to Switzerland without spending a day on the slopes? So I ducked out of the conference and who should I run into, but Maris? She'd just flown in for her yearly goat placenta treatments.
Frasier: Good Lord, is it placenta treatment time again already?
Niles: We had a set-to on the slopes. She ran, I tried to follow her tracks in the snow, but alas, she made none.

Niles: Let's get some lights on. [claps]
Frasier: Good Lord, what the hell is that?
Niles: Maris had it made after she lost power in a storm. Battery operated, works on a clapper so you can find it in the dark. Only problem was, the poor thing, try as she might, could never clap hard enough to activate it.

Frasier: Amazing! Well, there you have it, Seattle, the miracle of the sibling relationship spelled out in an unselfish act of head-shaving. Well, that's about all the time we have. I'd like to thank my brother, Dr. Niles Crane, for being here today. Niles, I would shave my head for you.
Niles: A gesture which becomes less significant with each passing year.

Niles: Children, I have a confession to make. I'm not a Citizen-Officer. I'm a psychiatric doctor specializing in marriage and family counseling. [The kids start to boo] I know, I know. The point is... [getting louder] The point is that my father is an actual officer, and he'd be here today, except he got a nasty cold, probably from some careless youngsters at his last assembly. Which brings up a different, yet no less important kind of safety, hygiene!
Martin: Oh, geez.
Niles: I would like to introduce you to the first defense in the war against germs, Officer Pocket Square! [The kids laugh] Okay, okay. Maybe it's not cool to carry a handkerchief around anymore.
Kid: It's not!
Niles: Is influenza cool? Is scarlet fever cool? Do you have any idea how many germs there are on just one finger? Yes, that finger, for example! It's millions! Or take simple dust. Do you know what dust is? It's the excretion of mites! Little bugs that are eating your skin right now!

Frasier: Well, you know, we can talk about it, we can think about it, but nobody really knows how or when.
Roz: One second we're alive as anyone else, and then... what?
Frasier: Darkness. Nothingness. Afterlife?
Niles: I've always liked the notion of meeting the great figures of history. But then I think, what if it's like high school and all the really cool dead people don't want to hang out with me. Mozart'll tell me he's busy but then later I'll see him out with Shakespeare and Lincoln.

Niles: This has been kind of fun, but I really have to go. I'm conducting a seminar on multiple personality disorders and it takes me forever to fill out the name tags.