Niles: So, now you've met the whole Crane clan.
Clive: Although, Daphne, I noticed in the phone book your surname still is Moon.
Niles: Oh, that must be an old book. Now she hyphenates. It's Moon-Crane.
Martin: I remember the first time I ever drove a moon crane. Damn near rolled it into the Sea of Tranquility.

Delivery Man: Where do you want it?
Martin: Where's the TV?
Niles: It's in that credenza.
Martin: Point it at that.
Delivery Man: What about this chair?
Niles: The chair? Here, let me get it out of your way.
Frasier: Niles. Niles, be careful with that! That's a Wassily! Oh. Dad, as dear as I'm sure this piece is to you, I just don't think it goes with anything here.
Martin: I know. It's eclectic.

Martin: When I got out of the hospital, I was terrified to take a risk. I didn't want to leave the house. Ducked for cover every time a car backfired.
Niles: I know my fears aren't rational. I know my heart is sound. I feel fine. But I felt fine before this happened. How do I know that the same thing isn't going to...
Martin: Well, you don't know. That's exactly what I came to realize. Life's a crap shoot. We could all go at any time. That's why we have to make the most of whatever time we've got. Like sand through the hourglass, so are the Days of Our Lives...
Niles: Okay, point taken.

Martin: Can you imagine? Lilith's and my kid would be brother to you and Niles and Freddie.
Frasier: What are you talking about?
Martin: And if you and Lilith got back together, you'd be his step-father and his brother and Niles would be your son and his own uncle. It's almost worth doing just so that I can tell the story.

Martin: All right, that's it. I've had enough of you two jackasses. I've spent the whole night listening to you making cracks about the food and the health. Well, I've got news for you. People like this place. I like this place. And when you insult this restaurant, you insult me. You know, I used to think you took after your mother, liking the ballet and all that. But you mother liked a good ball game, too. She'd even have a hot dog once in a while. She may have had fancy taste, but she had too much class to make me or anyone else feel second-rate. If she saw the way you two behaved tonight, she'd be ashamed. I know I am.

Emily: Frasier, these pieces are wonderful. You've exquisite taste.
Martin: Oh, he gets that from me. Yes, it was worth all the hours I dragged him around to the museums and the antiques shops teaching him about art and, you know... upholstery.
Edward: Were you in the arts?
Martin: Oh, well, actually, Ed-
Frasier: Dad was a cop.
Edward: Really? The, er, uniform and everything?
Martin: Yeah. In fact, uh, that's what happened to my hip. I took a bullet trying to break up a robbery. Yeah, I called for back-up but it never showed up.
Emily: [sighs] Because you were gay.
Martin: [takes her hand] Don't think I didn't wonder about that!

Frasier: Dad, Niles and I and, uh, Maris would like you to join us for dinner on Saturday night at Le Cigare Volant, one of the hottest new restaurants.
Martin: Oh, gee, I don't know.
Niles: Oh, oh. The food is to die for.
Martin: Niles, your country and your family are to die for. Food is to eat.

Martin: Here, I'll give you a hand.
Daphne: Yeah, and no cracks, old man. I know I've gotten heavy and I've resolved to do something about it.
Martin: All right, on three. One, two, three! ... Maybe the super has a hand truck.
Daphne: Kill me!
Frasier: [entering] Good lord, what happened?
Niles: Daphne twisted her ankle and fell. Come help us lift her.
Martin: Okay, boys. Now be careful. Use your legs.
Daphne: Oh, bloody hell. I'm wearing two different shoes.
Martin: Daphne, I just thought of something funny. It took three Cranes to lift you!

[Martin is wearing headphones to listen to the TV]
Niles: Very clever solution.
Frasier: Yes. It also has another little feature that I like. Watch this. [to Martin] Hey, Dad! Nice shirt. Did they throw that in the last time you had your tires rotated?
Niles: Hey, Dad. Tell us about the time you met Dwight Eisenhower. We haven't heard that story this hour.
Frasier: Okay, okay, my turn. Hey, Dad? Remember-
Martin: Say another word and I'll club you both with my cane.

Martin: God, she looks just like your mother.
Niles: I know, and Frasier doesn't see it.
Martin: You're kidding?
Niles: No, and he has the gall to tell me I'm blind. He's clearly the one dealing with repressed material, not to mention the obvious Oedipal issues.
Martin: Argle gargle, google goo.
Niles: What?
Martin: Now you know how it feels. What are you talking about?