Frasier: That's an awfully nasty bruise on your knuckles.
John Rajeski: I caught some guy using my comb. I really hate it when people touch my stuff.
Niles: Oh, yes. I remember my brother Niles once sat in your chair in the cafeteria. As I recall you put him on a tray and ran him through the dishwasher.
John Rajeski: Yeah, class clown. That was me.

Frasier: No, no, John. There's just one more thing. One second, please. There's something I need to tell you about, something that I did in school that I'm not very proud of.
[A large man, covered in bruises, appears with a cast around his neck and hand]
Prisoner: Yo, John. Sorry I touched your comb, man.
John Rajeski: So what did you do?
Frasier: Uh, well, I- I peeked over your shoulder once during an algebra quiz.
John Rajeski: And I'm the one who gets expelled?

Daphne: Something wrong with your back?
Niles: I injured it this morning playing squash. I had to make a dive to save match point.
Daphne: Well, I've got just the thing to take care of that. You take off your jacket, I'll be right back.
Niles: You're too kind. You know, I should never even have attempted a move like that. It was sort of a cross between a pirouette and a flying scissor kick.
Martin: You hurt yourself adjusting the seat in your Mercedes again, didn't you?
Niles: Quiet.

Daphne: All right, pull out your shirttails and lay face down on the sofa. I can guarantee you within a minute you'll be feeling much better. [Niles lies down and starts moaning] I haven't even touched you yet.
Niles: I started without you.

Martin: Hey, wait a minute. You're not gonna use that stuff on him, are you? She used it on me one time, it burned like hell.
Daphne: Oh, hush up, old man. It helped you, didn't it?
Martin: It nearly killed me.
Daphne: Listen to the big tough policeman. You don't hear your son complaining, do we, Dr. Crane?

Daphne: I'm not hurting you, am I?
Niles: No, no. I'm just a little ticklish back there. [Niles bites down on the pillow to muffle his screams]
Martin: Well, I guess you are the tough one.
Daphne: There you go.
Martin: Oh, no, wait a minute, Daphne. You missed a big spot right there.
Niles: No, that's okay. Because it's all done now. Thank you, Daphne. A few minutes ago I was bent over in pain, [jumps over the coffee table to rush to the kitchen] but now look at me, I'm running!

Niles: Well, I hope you do, Frasier because then finally you'll stop torturing the rest of us with all your- Oh, pain's back!
Martin: Not to worry. She's got more liniment.
Niles: Oh, pain's gone!
Daphne: Come on now. Be brave. Let's go into the loo and I'll give you a second coat.

Susan: You see, I can only get really turned on when there's something that makes the whole situation sort of dangerous.
Frasier: [turns around] Dangerous?
Susan: You're looking at me.
Frasier: [turning back] Sorry.
Susan: Like doing it in a car.
Frasier: Well, that's not so dangerous.
Susan: You must be some driver.
Frasier: Oh. And you've never had an accident?
Susan: No, I'm on the pill.

Susan: That's when I realized what really turns me on, knowing I could get caught at any moment. [jumps onto Frasier's lap]
Frasier: Oh, Dear God! He's out of jail, isn't he?
Susan: He could walk in at any time.
Frasier: He'll kill us!
Susan: Ooh, touch me here and say that.
Frasier: Are you crazy? He doesn't even let people touch his comb!