Frasier: [on the phone] Mrs. Rajeski? Hello, you don't know me but I'm... [Niles screams in agony from the bathroom] My. Well, that's remarkable. Yes, I am a friend of your husband's!

Frasier: Niles, it's worse than we thought. He's in prison.
Niles: Well, who's wearing shorts in the shower now?

Bulldog: Who cares about that guy? This is a great night.
Roz: For you, maybe. The rest of us lost.
Bulldog: Hey, it's not important whether you win or lose. It's an honor just being nomin- [breaks into laughter] I couldn't get through that crap on stage, I can't get through it now.

Roz: Frasier, do you mind if I use your phone?
Frasier: No, not at all. Who are you calling? It's practically midnight.
Roz: Oh, I promised my grandmother I'd leave her a message telling her how we did. [into the phone] Hey Gammy, it's Roz. Guess what? We won again! We're all here celebrating. [Everybody gives an unenthusiastic "Yay"]
Roz: Listen, I gotta go. It's getting crazy here but I'll talk to you tomorrow. Bye-bye.
Niles: You lied to "Gammy?"
Roz: Well, she's old and it makes her happy. She smiled for a week when I won the Miss Seattle Pageant.

Frasier: You know, Roz raises a very interesting philosophical question...
Martin: Oh, here we go. Buckle up!
Frasier: Is it always morally wrong to lie? We are taught that it is. But are there are certain occasions when a lie would be acceptable.
Bulldog: Yeah, like the lies you tell a chick in bed. "You're the best I've ever been with." "Your thighs don't look that fat." Oh. "Don't worry, I've had a vasectomy." Hey, screw you guys! I'm an artist. We live by different rules.

Niles: For Heaven's sake, Dad, you can't be mad. We were kids.
Martin: You know, the headmaster said it was you two. I went down there and raised hell with him. I said, "My kids don't lie." Because of you that Rajeski kid got expelled.
Frasier: Expelled? Jeez, if we'd have known that was going to happen we would have told the truth.
Niles: Not me. He was a brute and a meanie.
Frasier: You're right. He used to make the most merciless fun of me, about how I always wore my gym shorts in the shower. He used to call me "Shorts In The Shower Boy." You don't have to be witty to be cruel.

Niles: Good morning, Frasier.
Frasier: Oh, good morning, Niles. [noticing Niles' suit] Oh, dear God, it's finally happened. This is the thanks I get for introducing you to my personal shopper. I gave Rinaldo instructions to write down every article of clothing
that I had purchased so we could avoid this sort of calamity!
Niles: I didn't use Rinaldo. This suit just caught my eye while I was shopping for shoes.
[They look down and realize they're wearing the same shoes]
Niles: Well, why didn't you also take my strong chin and swimmer's build?
Frasier: Oh, please.
Niles: Obviously we have to sit apart.

Frasier: After our conversation last night I couldn't stop thinking about our getting John Rajeski expelled. I didn't sleep a wink.
Niles: You can't be serious?
Frasier: You mean it didn't bother you? Where is your conscience?
Niles: Perhaps it fell into the quad along with my hall monitor beret when John hung me from the flagpole.

Niles: Leave me out of this. I'm not sorry. But don't tell him that. And if he asks, I'm living in Italy. No, no, France. No, Italy.

Frasier: I still can't help thinking this is all our fault.
Niles: How?
Frasier: Well, he was always on the cusp. Maybe he couldn't get into another prep school. Maybe he had to go to public.