Niles: You know, Maris is quite keen on gutting my library to make more space for her hats. Why don't you come home with me and you can send one of your men over to do this little job. Bruce would be good. The large sweaty gentleman with the chili dogs on his breath.

Frasier: Oh, I see you've got the Romanee-Conti.
Niles: Yes, but unfortunately they only had the one bottle.
Frasier: That's funny, the importer told me he had two.
Niles: Really? How strange.
Frasier: You know, if I didn't know you better I would swear you had squirreled one away for yourself. But then we both know that you must be telling the truth, because you're such a slave to your ethics that even the slightest transgression would cause your nose to bleed.
Niles: Which it isn't. [sniffs]
Frasier: You just sniffed.
Niles: I didn't sniff. It was a snort of contempt. [sniffs again]
Frasier: A snort is out, that was in.
Niles: [lays his finger under his nose] Oh, alright. The other bottle's in the car in my bowling bag.
Frasier: Thank you. You have a bowling bag?
Niles: Yes. Maris and I have taken to giving each other gag gifts. I gave her a cook book.

[As Niles opens the door to Frasier's apartment, he struggles to get past the mantelpiece. Noticing the workmen:]
Niles: Frasier, the club members arrive in forty-five minutes. Have you lost your... [notices legs and waves upwards] Cecil!

Niles: Well, earlier, what I said about Joe, I made a mistake. He doesn't sleep around, he hasn't wrecked any homes, and the business about Mimsie Stanshope-
Bruce: [enters:] Oh sorry, is there a john around here that ain't occupado?
Niles: You can use the master bedroom. [to Daphne:] Joe never worked for Mimsie Stanshoe..
Bruce: He sure didn't. I do all the work at Mimsie's. She is one tough lady to satisfy.
Daphne: You?
Bruce: I'm the only guy that can make her happy, everyone knows that. Jeez.
Daphne: So, that was the mistake you made? Those stories you heard weren't about Joe, they were about ... Bruce?
Niles: Hard to believe, isn't it? But you know, when society women go slumming they go all the way.

Martin: Will you give me your cash? Both of you, come on! Hurry up!
Frasier: Why?
Martin: Never mind why, just hand it to me. Come on, be quick, Niles.
Niles: Oh, all right. Do you want all seven hundred dollars?
Martin: You carry seven hundred dollars in your wallet?
Niles: Well, Maris asked me to stop by the drugstore later.

Frasier: Senator Adler, Mayor, welcome to my humble abode.
Bruce: You know you're out of T.P. in the can?

Frasier: Niles, don't yell at me. If you were able to lift anything heavier than an emory board we wouldn't be in this position.

Frasier: Daphne!
Niles: What are you going to do?
Frasier: You are going to fix this.
Niles: What am I going to tell her?
Frasier: Tell her the truth. Only the truth shall make you clot.

Niles: Some very distinguished people belong to our club: the mayor, the commissioner of public safety, the chief of surgery at St. Lukes...
Daphne: Oh, just the people I'd want walking around all liquored up. Couldn't you find room for a school bus driver and a couple of air traffic controllers?

Niles: I told you he was good. We're talking about a man who has satisfied Maris. Something that's still regrettably on my to-do list.