Frasier: Again, I freely admit that I assisted my ex-wife in psychological experiments on lab animals. However, at that time, putting a pair of sunglasses on a monkey did not constitute cruelty.

Ryan: February 9, 1993. Does that date mean anything to you?
Frasier: Should it?
Ryan: According to the Boston Globe, you spent two hours on a ledge threatening to jump if your wife left you. How many of your listeners are aware that they're taking advice from a man who was nearly a stain on the sidewalk?
Frasier: Andy, isn't it about time for a commercial break?
Andy: Actually, this show is a public service, therefore commercial-free.
Frasier: Splendid.

Roz: Oh, thank you for the coffee, Kenny.
Kenny: Oh, you don't have to thank me. We're not keeping score. Life's too short to keep track of who owes who for this or that or whatnot. Let's just enjoy ourselves.
Frasier: Whatever you want, Kenny, the answer is no.

Frasier: That so-called research is nothing but a bunch of confounded correlations and mediocre deductions.
Lucy: Excuse me, are you Dr. Frasier Crane?
Frasier: Yes, as a matter of fact I am.
Lucy: Can I get your autograph?
Frasier: What's your name?
Lucy: Lucy. But make it out to Paul. I volunteer at his hospice, and I think you're just about the only friend he has left anymore.
Frasier: [to Kenny] Fine, I'll meet the kids.

Niles: I have a little something for you.
Daphne: Oh. Earrings. They're beautiful.
Niles: Try them on. I've disinfected them with peroxide.

Daphne: Niles, it's a lovely thought, but you kind of gave me the exact same pair last summer.
Niles: No, I did not.
Daphne: Yeah, take a look.
Niles: I am so sorry.
Daphne: Oh, don't be silly. It was bound to happen sometime after all the nice presents you give me. I'll just have to get pierced somewhere else.

Daphne: Well, well, look who's up. How was your company party, Mr. Crane?
Martin: Fine.
Niles: Sounds like it was more than just fine if you're getting up this late.
Daphne: He came in late, too.
Martin: Didn't know there was a curfew.
Daphne: Oh, my God. Is that lipstick on your chin? It is.
Martin: I got kissed, okay? Big whoop. [then:] There's no lipstick on my chin.
Daphne: Busted!

Niles: Well, so what's her name?
Daphne: Yeah. When can we meet her?
Martin: Her name's Peg, and nobody's meeting anyone. It was just a little fooling around, that's all.
Niles: Well, are you going to see her again?
Martin: No, and if she calls I'm not here, got it? I don't want to encourage her.
Daphne: Well, why not? It sounds like you had fun.
Martin: See, this is exactly the conversation I'm trying to avoid with Peg. You kiss a girl, and suddenly she wants to know "What does it mean?" and "When can I see you again?" "Why don't you call me?"
Daphne: That's a wonderful attitude.
Martin: Hey, it was great and I loved it, but I don't want to ruin it by making it more than it was. Women never let you have a bite of ham. They always make you sit down for spinach.

Kirby: Whoa. This is embarrassing, huh? All three of us going to the same place when we're skipping out on work.
Frasier: We are not skipping out on work.
Kirby: Right, we're all at the doctor's.
Frasier: Kirby, we don't work the same hours that you do. We're done for the day.
Kirby: Oh, yeah, that's good. It's better if we don't all use the same excuse.
Frasier: Kirby, I think it's time for you to straighten up. You show up late every day. You are inattentive, and you have a bad attitude. How do you expect to thrive in this job or any other job? I am this close to giving you a lecture.

Frasier: Listen, Kenny, I'm actually just on my way out. Perhaps I could meet this young lady tomorrow at the station?
Kenny: Oh, come on. Say hi to the kid. She's a big fan.
Frasier: Really? Well, gosh, I would hate to appear standoffish. After all, the young lady has built up a certain image of me in her mind, and that shouldn't be crushed certainly.
Roz: Do we have to go through this every time? Go over there.