Niles: Oh, pah. You are secretly trying to outbid me.
Frasier: Oh, all right. I thought if you were bidding against a stranger you'd only go so high. But if you knew it was me, then your childish competitiveness would kick in.
Niles: That is nonsense. Give me the pen.
Frasier: No, no, no. I'm saving you from yourself.
Niles: Give me that. Frasier, in the name of Kelly Ann Grunther and everything she stands for...
Frasier: She can't stand!
Niles: How do you know?
Frasier: I asked.

Auctioneer: Well, there certainly was some spirited bidding over this luncheon, wasn't there! My goodness, four thousand, fifty dollars!
Niles: What have I done?
Frasier: You have let your competitiveness get the better of you, and it serves you right!
Auctioneer: Due to the overwhelming interest in this luncheon, I propose adding another place to the table. That is, if we can convince our runner-up, Dr. Frasier Crane, to match his brother's generous bid. [crowd starts cheering] What do you say, Dr. Crane?
Frasier: Well, all right! [to Niles] Dear God! We've just spent eight thousand dollars for a lunch.
Niles: Frasier, just try to remember it's for a very worthy cause.
Auctioneer: Thanks to the Drs. Crane, there will be a lot fewer homeless cats on the streets of Seattle next year.

Niles: Frasier, do you ever wonder why we do all this competition. Where did it even start?
Frasier: That's a good question, Niles. Well, think back. What was the first thing you can remember us competing over?
Niles: It'd have to be Mom. We were always jockeying for her time and attention.
Frasier: Well, it was a lot more difficult for me, actually, you being her favorite.
Niles: What? You were her favorite.
Frasier: Oh, don't be ridiculous, Niles. She adored you. Don't you remember the time you lost your tricycle? She actually took mine away from me and gave it to you.
Niles: That was for your own good. No eight year old should be riding a tricycle.
Frasier: I had a chronic ear infection that affected my balance.

Niles: Mom worshiped the ground you walked on. Remember when we brought those bowls home from pottery class? She used yours for the cranberry sauce at Thanksgiving and mine as a dog dish.
Frasier: Well, what did you expect her to do? You painted a little dog right on it.
Niles: That was a turkey.

Frasier: No, Dad. The IQ tests we did when we were children. Would you have saved those?
Martin: Oh sure, your mother and I saved all that stuff. Report cards, finger paintings, poems. It's in an old Ballantine's box in the closet.
Frasier: Oh, Dad, why don't you just admit it? You're more of a sentimentalist then you let on.
Martin: Yes, I guess I am. That was the first case of beer your mother and I ever bought together.

Frasier: Wait a minute. You just scratched your ear. You were at the library, too.
Niles: I was most certainly was not.
Frasier: The only thing that makes you sneeze and scratch your ear is your parchment mite allergy. So, that was you sneezing from behind the stacks all night.
Niles: [sneezes] I had to go. I knew you'd be racing through those scientific journals faster than a proton in a particle accelerator.
Frasier: Oh, stop showing off.

Niles: I'm never leaving while you're still not leaving. You know, you had the good bed.
Frasier: Well, now you're just hallucinating.
Niles: Well, when we moved to Wallace Lane and we shared a room and you got to pick where you would be to having your... sleeping.

Frasier: Oh, well, Niles, I'm surprised to see you up so soon. Feel all right?
Niles: I feel, uh, not bad. A little dry. When I blink it makes a scratching noise.

Niles: When's it going to end, Frasier, all this obsessive competitiveness?
Frasier: Probably never, Niles. Whether it started with seeking Mom's approval or some other insecurity, we're locked in a pattern now that we'll probably never get out of.
Niles: Ooh, that sounds bleak.
Frasier: No, no, not necessarily. There have been some benefits to it. I probably wouldn't have done so well at school if it hadn't had been for my fear that I'd be bested by my brainy little brother.
Niles: Well, I was certainly spurred on by your success as well. Why else would I have joined the chess club and the drama club and the key club? And what other possible reason would there be for spending an entire summer training a seeing-eye dog? Aside from helping the blind.

Frasier: Niles, the beds were identical. Oh, why am I even bothering, explaining this to a man who has his elbow in the butter.
Niles: Well, who's hallucinationing now?