Niles: No, no, none of us really knows when our time is up.
Roz: And it's never long enough. My great grandmother was 92 years old when she died and the last words to me from her deathbed were, "It's so short." Of course, it was the '70s, she could have been talking about my skirt.

Dr. Shaw: Question two: What do you imagine human Eddie's first words to be?
Frasier: Well, I hope, "Give me a breath mint!"

Martin: He said he can't find anything wrong with him physically. He thinks it might be an emotional problem.
Daphne: You know, I've heard they have therapists for dogs. Do you suppose a dog psychiatrist could be the answer?
Frasier: Only if the question is, "What is the most asinine thing we could possibly do?"

Roz: Now that I think about it, what have I got to be happy about? I mean, I know it has nothing to do with Eddie, but maybe Frasier picked up something from contact with me?
Niles: He wouldn't be the first one... Oh, I'm too depressed!

Dr. Shaw: If human Eddie were planning a dinner party, what might he serve?
Martin: I'd say meatloaf. But not the plain kind, but the fancy one with that tomato soup glaze on top.
Niles: It might be a bit under done though, he has trouble reaching the knobs on the stove.

Frasier: And so Alice, even the happiest of us can find reasons to be unhappy if only we look for them. So don't look for them. Take a tip from our dog friends, treat yourself to your favorite toy, whatever that might be.
Alice: "I'll do that right now. Thank you, Dr. Crane, I really do feel better."
Frasier: This is Dr. Frasier Crane, reminding everyone that life is too short to dwell on every bump in the road. Try to take pleasure in the simple things. In short, eat a cookie!
[Frasier takes a bite of a cookie from a plate on his console]
Frasier: Ow! Ow! Oh, walnut, I broke a tooth! Oh, now I've got to go to the dentist. He'll tell me I haven't flossed. My lips are going to get all fat. My life sucks!

Frasier: How loosely woven is the fabric of our unhappiness, a tug or two and it unravels to reveal how empty our everyday lives really are.
Niles: And then there are the empty nights accompanied by thoughts of loneliness and death.

Frasier: Roz? None of these lights seem to be flashing.
Roz: Hey, what do you know, I got the same thing over here.
Frasier: Well, who's our first caller?
Roz: No-one.
Frasier: Well, how much time do we have?
Roz: None.
Frasier: Hello Seattle, this is Dr. Frasier Crane. Well, I have some good news for you. As today is the first sunny
day we've had in a few weeks, it seems that all our lines are open. So please call in, no waiting. Absolutely
no waiting. Oh come on, somebody's marriage must be on the skids. Somebody's career must be going badly, other than mine. Hey, how about all you agoraphobics, I know you're not outside. Oh, oh, there's a call. I'll take it, I'll take it. Hello, I'm listening.
Alice: "Hi Dr. Crane, my name is Alice and I'm usually a happy person but today, well, I just started thinking about all kinds of sad things. My job isn't that exciting, my kids don't call me as often as I'd like. Pretty soon I was in a full-blown funk."
Frasier: Well, Alice, as today seems to be a bit slow I think I have a story I can tell you that might be of some help. Do you have some time?
Alice: "Well, it's three 'o clock and I'm still in my bathrobe."

Roz: So what's the doctor say?
Martin: He's stumped. I told him, he's not sleeping, he's not eating, he's not even sniffing stuff.
Frasier: Welcome news to Mrs. Frobisher in 13-B.

Roz: Thank you, Frasier.
Frasier: My pleasure.
Roz: A gorgeous doctor, and I didn't get you anything. So, what kind of doctor is he?
Frasier: A gynecologist.
Roz: That's not funny.
Frasier: What's the matter?
Roz: He really is? Oh God, I can't go out with a gynecologist. Do you know what they do all day?
Frasier: I have a general idea.