Roz: What, are you taking piano lessons?
Daphne: Yeah, Niles is gonna teach me.
Roz: I'm so jealous. I've always wanted to learn to play.
Daphne: Well, why don't you sit in with us?
Roz: Really? Well, do you think Niles would mind?
Daphne: Of course not. And even if he does, he's so polite you'll never know.

James: Hi, I'd like to tell you about our new frozen coffee drink, the "Caffalanche." It comes in three flavors: "FrostyCoffee," "So Cocoa Cold"... [checks his pad] and "Chilla In Vanilla".
Daphne: I'll try the "So Cocoa Cold."
Martin: Uh, black coffee, thanks. [the waiter leaves] I hate what's happened to coffee.
Frasier: Dad...
Martin: Well, I'm just saying I'm a regular Joe and-
Martin & Frasier: ...I like my joe regular.
Frasier: I know.

Frasier: Pardon me, Niles, but there was a television program I planned on watching.
Niles: Oh, of course. Uh, we'll continue the lesson in Daphne's room.
Daphne: Well, how can we learn without a piano?
Niles: With these workbooks, and a box of adhesive stars.

Martin: That guy sure looks cold. What are we watching?
Frasier: I'm watching "Lost on the Mountain."
Martin: Is that the mountain?
Frasier: Yes.
Martin: Well, they sure don't look lost.
Frasier: That's the search party.
Martin: Oh. ... So who's lost?
Frasier: Apparently you are. If you don't stop interrupting, I will be too.

Martin: I did not do this on purpose.
Frasier: No? I suggest you dig deep into the twisted caves of your subconscious, where malicious acts abide, clothed in the robes of plausible excuses!
Martin: For the last time, this was not malicious. It was an accident!
Frasier: I don't think you know the difference!
Martin: Yes, I do! That was an accident! [squirts oil all over Frasier] This is malicious!

Niles: Where's Daphne?
Frasier: Oh, she's out taking a walk with Dad. An extra-long walk. Things have been a little tense around here since the quote-unquote "accident."
Niles: It was an accident.
Frasier: Well, maybe. But don't you think the man should work on some of his unresolved anger toward me?
Niles: If you're asking me to choose sides, I'm not going to do it.
Frasier: The man just brings such... hostility into the room. [Niles gives Frasier his drink] Thank you. You know, I've been thinking, of, uh... sending him someplace.
Niles: Like to a resort?
Frasier: Like to live with you.
Niles: Oh, yes, the last resort.

Niles: Making Dad move in with me does not solve your problem, it simply avoids it.
Frasier: Oh, don't you start preaching to me about avoidance. You've been avoiding living with him for eight years.
Niles: I refuse to discuss this.
Frasier: And I refuse your refusal.

Martin: Hello, Niles.
Niles: Hey, Dad. Um, taking Eddie for a walk?
Martin: Yeah, I was afraid if I left him home, Frasier would set him on fire and throw him off the balcony.

Niles: I'm sorry, I only meant that I'm an experienced mediator. Now, Frasier, tell Dad what you were just telling me.
Frasier: All right. I think that anniversary talk stirred up some issues for me. That our relationship is the only one I'll ever have. That for all intents and purposes, you are my significant other.
Martin: ... And that's my fault?
Frasier: I didn't say it was your fault, Dad.
Martin: You think it's a picnic living with you? It's not exactly my dream either, you know...
Niles: OK, no, wait, wait, honesty, this is good.
Frasier: I'm just saying, that I-I've had a bit of a breakthrough.
Martin: Oh, dandy. You've had a breakthrough and I've lost my chair. Maybe I could sit on your breakthrough.
Frasier: I'll tell you what you can sit on!

Martin: Do this for a living, do you? [leaves]
Niles: I do it because I enjoy working with people!