‘Are You Being Served?’
Season 4, Episode 21 - Aired May 13, 1997
Niles is distraught when Maris serves him with divorce papers, but he summons the courage to stand up to her when he and Frasier discover their mother's old journal.
Quote from Niles
Niles: The foam is a tad listless today.
Frasier: Yes. I can tell without looking that they've got Chad back on steamer duty.
Niles: You are good.
Quote from Frasier
Niles: I've just been served divorce papers.I need a little time to let it sink in. If you don't mind, maybe we could not talk about it for a while.
Frasier: Of course.
Waitress: Hi, can I get you guys anything?
Frasier: No, thank you. We've already been served. [Niles lets out a cry] Sorry.
Quote from Niles
Frasier: That would be Niles. I'm taking him to lunch to get his mind off his troubles.
Daphne: Is that something we shouldn't talk about?
Martin: No, there's no reason why we shouldn't talk about it.
Frasier: Dad, I'm sorry, I don't think he's ready to talk about it so we're not talking about it.
Niles: [o.s., from behind the door] Would you mind not talking about it a little less loudly?
Quote from Niles
Niles: What's that?
Frasier: It's a journal.
Niles: Isn't that mother's handwriting?
Frasier: These must be notes from one of her research projects. "It's hard to imagine two male siblings who could be more different than Frasier and Niles."
Niles: Good heavens. It's about us.
Frasier: "Though both are highly intelligent, Frasier is clearly the more dominant of the two while Niles remains
extremely passive." Fascinating.
Niles: "Frasier never seems to get enough at mealtime. He's nearly twice the size of Niles and often, when he thinks I'm not looking, steals his brother's food."
Frasier: "What Niles lacks in assertiveness he makes up for in an abnormally fussy grooming regimen."
Niles: "Frasier is exhibiting clearly anti-social tendencies. In fact, he is extremely uncomfortable with touch, seeming to recoil from all human contact."
Frasier: Where does it say that?
Niles: All right, I added "extremely," but it's right there.
Quote from Frasier
Frasier: Good Lord. This cuts rather close to the bone. Just yesterday Roz was accusing me of the same thing. I always thought it was just an aversion to social hugging, but apparently it goes deeper than that. You know, maybe this is something I should work on. What do you think? [Niles does not respond. He is staring at the journal.] Niles?
Niles: "April 3rd. Niles remains as docile as ever. He constantly allows himself to be cowed and dominated, especially by females." [drops it]
Frasier: Well, you shouldn't let that upset you. You've broken that pattern. You could have knocked that under and gone groveling back to Maris but you didn't. You know Niles, I don't think I've ever been more proud of you.
[Frasier gives Niles an awkward hug]
Niles: Oh, Frasier, this is awful.
Frasier: Well, pardon me for trying. I am new at it.
Quote from Frasier
Niles: What do you know? This is sort of exciting. Even as a child I always fancied I might make a first-rate society cat burglar. I think I'm right.
Frasier: Yes. All it takes is stealth, cunning and a key to the door.
Quote from Niles
Niles: Well, I suppose it's only fitting that I be commemorated in this household as a laughingstock. She's always run roughshod over me. Look around. This entire room is a monument to my spinelessness.
Frasier: How so?
Niles: This Dresden Shepherdess? A peace offering I made to Maris when I was foolish enough to point out an extra syllable in a Haiku she'd written. Choose another item. Anything.
Frasier: Oh, that candelabra?
Niles: Louis Quatorze. What better way to apologize for the time I attempted to grow a moustache?
Frasier: I think you owe us all a candelabra for that.
Quote from Niles
Niles: Looks like the dogs are asleep. Shall we go?
Frasier: Oh, I don't know. Maybe they're just playing possum with us.
Niles: Frankly, I don't care. After what I've just done, you think I'm going to let a couple of dogs frighten me? This is the last time I'm leaving this house. I'm going to walk through that door with my head held high.
Frasier: Good for you. I'm going to run like hell out the front door.
Niles: Wait up.
Quote from Niles
Niles: Well, I can't believe it. It's really over.
Frasier: If you choose you never have to see Maris again.
Niles: Oh, please. Half the time I couldn't see her when she was standing right in front of me.
Quote from Roz
Frasier: Well, that's our show for today. But before we close I'd like to invite you all to join us here at KACL in wishing a fond farewell to our Happy Chef, Leo Pasquale, as he bubble-wraps his crepe pan and heads south towards sunny Santa Fe. Leo, you stirred us with your passion, melted us with your charm, added spice to our lives. Now, as you whisk yourself away let's not say goodbye, but rather "tartar" for now. This is Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL 780.
Roz: Well, at least you stopped short of saying, "I'll be fricasseeing you."