Niles: So your brothers built a lot of models?
Daphne: No, actually, I suspect they just sniffed a lot of glue.
Niles: You know that can cause brain damage.
Daphne: Well, then, that confirms it.

Daphne: Did I ever mention one of my ancestors was a mutineer on the H.M.S. Bounty?
Martin: No kidding.
Daphne: Yeah, well, from what we could gather, he made it safely to Pitcairn Island, where he was quite fruitful and multiplied. You know, for all I know there's some girl who looks exactly like me running around the South Seas, frolicking in the surf, all brown-skinned and bare-breasted-
[Niles snaps the mast in two]
Niles: So you want to build a two-masted schooner?

Frasier: Hello, we're back. Gretchen, I have considered your problem, and I believe that what you must do is confront your husband, and insist that he end this affair.
Gretchen: "But what if he won't?"
Frasier: But he has to. Innocent people are being hurt. Remind him of how much he means to you, of all your years together. Are there children?
Gretchen: "No."
Frasier: Damn! Still, still, it must be a clean break. He must never, ever see this woman again, not even accidentally!
Gretchen: "We never had these problems back home."
Frasier: Well, maybe that's where you should return, to the loving bosom of Bavaria.
Gretchen: "How did you know we were from Bavaria?"
Frasier: Well, you see, I'm a master of dialects. I noticed there was a glottal quality to the occlusion of your diphthongs.
Gretchen: "But I'm originally from Austria."
Frasier: Look, do you want to split hairs, or do you want your husband back? Uh, Gretchen, I'm afraid it's time for another commercial.
Roz: Another commercial?
Frasier: Yes, Roz, another commercial!

Roz: What is going on?
Frasier: What makes you think there's something going on?
Roz: Well, when the person giving advice sounds crazier than the person calling in, I think there's something going on.
Frasier: Nothing's going on.
Roz: Wait a minute. You know who the liver dumpling is, don't you?
Frasier: All right, yes! But it's nobody you know. Her husband's a good friend of mine. Oh, how can I tell him, he'll be crushed.
Roz: Well, you don't tell the person being cheated on, you confront the person doing the cheating. Didn't they teach you anything at Harvard?
Frasier: I-I can't do that!
Roz: It's easy, Frasier. You just tell her you know she's been mattress-surfing with some other guy, and if she doesn't knock it off, you'll tell her husband.
Frasier: It's just- It's not that easy. You don't know this woman! She doesn't deal with confrontation very well. I once questioned the political correctness of her serving veal. An hour later, we found her locked in the garage with the engine running on her golf cart!
Roz: Whoa, it's Maris.

Frasier: He couldn't help himself, Maris is irresistible. [to Marta, in Spanish] Irresistible?

Martin: Hey, hey, Fras, didn't you and Lilith write a bunch of articles together once about the keys to a successful marriage?
Frasier: Yes, we did.
Martin: Well, maybe it'd help your brother to read 'em right now.
Frasier: Well, all right, all right. I've only got half of them, though. Lilith got the rest in the divorce settlement.

Niles: [reading] "So you want to build a three-masted schooner. Step One: before assembly, take inventory of all parts."
Martin: We don't need to read all these instructions.
Niles: Yes, we do. It says right here in boldface, "Read all instructions."
Martin: Just pass me the right side of the hull, will you?
Niles: You'll get your hands on that piece at step sixteen and not a moment sooner.
Martin: Can we get started here?
Niles: Oh, all right, Dad. [reading] "So you want to build a three-masted schooner..."

Niles: For weeks, all Maris did for excitement was float in her sensory deprivation tank. But now, she's taken up fencing, and I've never seen her more vital. She stays up late into the evening, working with her instructor.
Frasier: Maris has a fencing instructor?
Niles: Yes. Gunnar was the Bavarian champion three years running.
Frasier: He's Bavarian?
Niles: You're full of questions I've already given answers to.
Frasier: Am I?

Frasier: Yes, well, in the midst of that slag heap of sarcasm, I suppose there may be a kernel of truth. I guess I could just be letting my imagination run away with me.
Martin: Ah, just trust me, forget it. Come on, help me put this model together.
Frasier: God, you know, I remember how Niles used to love these models. Oh God, remember that Christmas Mom got him the "Visible Man and Woman?" He had to glue all of the internal organs in the right place.
Martin: All I remember is you two fighting over it.
Frasier: Yes, well, Niles was getting on my nerves, so I had to go in and steal his ovaries.
Daphne: Now there's a conversation I'm glad I missed the beginning of.

Frasier: Oh, Lord, if only I can do something to help Gunnar and Gretchen.
Gunnar: Gretchen?
Frasier: Ja, ja. Uh. [to Marta] Tell him that his wife loves him very much. Uh, I mean, diga a Gunnar que su esposa le ama mucho.
Marta: Die Frau [points at Frasier] liebt ihn sehr.
Gunnar: Schweinehund!
Frasier: No, no, not me! You, you! Marta, damn your pronoun problems! All right, you hapless wretch.