Frasier: You two have plans?
Niles: Yes, I am taking her to the botanical gardens. Can you believe she's never been before?
Frasier: Didn't Donny take her to the botanical gardens last year?
Niles: Can you believe she's never been before?

Niles: I'd hardly call this a dog park. It's more like a dog... orgy. Whose beagles are those?
Daphne: Don't stare. It only encourages them.

Daphne: [to Jim] Wow, you've really got him trained. That's the problem with Eddie. He only listens when he thinks he's gonna get food.
Niles: Or one of my socks. [nobody else laughs] But mostly food.

Frasier: What's wrong?
Phillip: The damn basement must have flooded again. Everything in this box is ruined. Little Suzy's cap she wore home from the hospital, ruined. Danny's first soccer uniform, ruined.
Frasier: Well, you know, I have an excellent dry cleaner-
Lana: No!
Frasier: Once, actually, I spilled butter on a pair of white velvet pantaloons. Well, it's a long story. But, uh, he had it out in under a minute.

Frasier: Phillip, you are still their father. I mean, I know things seem difficult right now, but believe me, it'll get easier.
Phillip: Oh, it's already easier. I mean, look at me, I'm dressed.
Lana: Phillip, you know what would really cheer you up, is to make a killing on this house. Now, don't you think you should get back to work?
Phillip: I guess. That air traffic isn't gonna control itself.

Frasier: Well, that man is obviously in pain. The least you could be is a little sympathetic.
Lana: I have been sympathetic for fifteen months! I had him over for Thanksgiving! He got drunk the first half-hour and cried himself to sleep in my coat closet! And I consider that one of our good days!

Lana: When the Smolenskis get here, you act like you want the house. You know, a little competition, put a little pressure on the deal.
Frasier: You're asking me to be your shill?
Lana: That's the word! Yes, yes. Now, listen, listen. No, you don't have to say anything.
Frasier: I'm sorry, no!
Lana: Well, why not? Well, look, okay, all you have to do is walk around with an interested look on your face. You know, they'll fill in the rest.
Frasier: I will do no such thing!
Lana: Why won't you help me?
Frasier: Because I refuse to lie for you!
Lana: Oh, fine, then go wait in the car.
Frasier: I never wanted to leave the car.

Frasier: All right, I got some cream-sicles, and fudge-sicles, and something they call, uh, "Bomb Pops".
Lana: I called the Smolenskis. I bought us a little extra time.
Frasier: Right, good, good. All right, let's spread out some paper and then build us a house.
Lana: So Frasier, with all your talk about honesty, how do you justify faking this thing?
Frasier: Well, we're simply protecting the feelings of an innocent man. Nothing dishonest about that.
Lana: Uh-huh. So, uh, are you gonna write, "I love you, Daddy" or am I?
Frasier: I'll do it.

Niles: Hey, Eddie, don't worry about that other dog. He may be bigger and flashier and better-looking, but...you have substance. She knows that.

Niles: In every healthy relationship, I may ask for an occasional - very occasional - irrational demand.
Daphne: What do you mean?
Niles: Uh, a thing we insist the other do or not do, and the other one has to do it or not do it, without question.
Daphne: Is that fair?
Niles: It is. Because we each get one, and only one, for our whole relationship.
Daphne: Well, if it's important to you.
Niles: Then it's agreed?
Daphne: Agreed.
Niles: Good... Oh, I've got mine.
Daphne: Already?
Niles: Yes. Uh, I want you to promise never to come to this dog park again.
Daphne: What?
Niles: I know it sounds extreme, even unreasonable, but that's the beauty of the irrational demand.