Niles: Oh my God. It is T.H. Houghton. We're a stone's throw away from one of the giants of American literature.
Roz: Not the way you throw.

Frasier: Niles, this is incredible. The man's entire life is shrouded in mystery and there he is.
Niles: I've always idolized him. What I wouldn't give to meet that man.
Roz: Well why don't you go over and introduce yourself?
Niles: I can't just walk up to a God like that.
Roz: Well, then find a subtler way.
Niles: In your vernacular that would be what? To slingshot your panties across the street?
Roz: Foam Blower!

T.H. Houghton: How could I be so blind? I lifted the entire structure from Dante.
Niles: Oh, you mean you weren't going for that.
T.H. Houghton: Of course not. This confirms my worst fear. I have nothing original left to say. I'm an empty shell. I was a fool to think I had a second book in me. "The winters were harsh on the farm." Well,
here's something to warm them up. [starts throwing the pages into the fire]
Martin: What's going on here?
T.H. Houghton: You're both right. I'm a talentless hack who got lucky once.
Frasier: Dad, we didn't say that.
Martin: Hey, you're not listening to these two, are you?
T.H. Houghton: Look at this trash. It won't even burn.
Frasier: Well, it's a fireplace, you see. It's not well ventilated.
T.H. Houghton: This book doesn't belong in a fireplace. It belongs in the gutter with the rest of society's garbage. [T.H. Houghton goes out and throws his book off the balcony] I want to thank you two. If I had published that book my reputation would have been destroyed. At least now I'm left with a shred of dignity. [He walks out with a page stuck to his shoe]

Niles: Oh my God, Frasier, look. It's a doodle.
Frasier: Not just any doodle. It's a Houghton doodle. It's mine.
Niles: No, it's mine.
Martin: It's mine.
Frasier: Dad, what do you care?
Martin: No, I mean I drew it.
Frasier: Well that's very touching. Here Niles, this is for you.

Martin: Oh Ted, I'd like you to meet my sons. This is Frasier and Niles. They're big fans of yours.
T.H. Houghton: Hi, guys.
Frasier: Mr Houghton... er... we...
Niles: Words can't express...
T.H. Houghton: I guess not. Nice meeting you folks.

Frasier: Wait!
Niles: Should we?
Frasier: We shouldn't.
Niles: Could we live with ourselves if we did?
Frasier: Could we live with ourselves if we didn't?
Niles: Could we live with ourselves either way?
Frasier: Oh, stop it, Niles.

Frasier: You know, Niles, one thing just really bugs me. Houghton is going to leave here today thinking we're just a couple of inarticulate simpletons.
Niles: What with those pithy comments we made about his masterpiece. Great. "Wow."
Frasier: We'll go down in history with the same boob who first read "Hamlet" and told Shakespeare "My goodness. What a parchment-turner!"

Guy: Excuse me, Mr. Houghton?
T.H. Houghton: Yeah.
Guy: I just wanted to tell you that...
T.H. Houghton: My book changed your life. Swell.
Guy: No, no.
T.H. Houghton: It changed mine too. Look, I'm sorry, I don't like to discuss my work.
Guy: Well, that was humiliating. I've never felt so rejected in my life.
Frasier: Now, now. Don't take it so hard. Who was to know he was so sensitive?
Guy: Hey, aren't you Dr. Frasier Crane?
Frasier: Not now. I don't have the time. I'm sorry.

Niles: Are you quite finished undressing him with your eyes?
Roz: Oh, please. I'm already looking for my stockings and trying to remember where I parked my car.

Niles: What wine would most enhance the experience?
Frasier: No, Niles. Wine might dull our faculties. Perhaps instead a slow sipping cordial would be the proper garnish.
Niles: Sherry?
Frasier: Armagnac.
Niles: Oh, well see? That's why you're the older brother.