Niles: Of course, I can't take care of him.
Frasier: Oh, yes, of course. Of course. Why?
Niles: Because Dad doesn't get along with Maris.
Frasier: Who does?
Niles: I thought you liked my Maris.
Frasier: I do. I like her from a distance. You know, the way you like the sun. Maris is like the sun, except without the warmth.

Niles: Well, that's it. It's over. It's over and I've lost. Maris has won. Maris always wins.
Martin: Niles.
Niles: Niles never wins! Niles always loses! That's why Niles lives at the Shangri-La and drives a hatchback!

Frasier: What the hell was that? Was that a gunshot?
Niles: Morning, Frasier. Just getting up?
Frasier: "Just getting up?" Are you out of your mind? A gun just went off in here!
Martin: Niles bought a starter's pistol.
Niles: And there's no need to get snippy. Accidents happen, you know.
Frasier: Oh, I'm sorry. Was I snippy? I didn't realize it was too much to ask that there not be gunplay in my living room!

Kit: You have such a serious face. What, are we breaking up or something?
Niles: Well...
[Kit drops a tray of cups on the floor]
Kit: Oh, my God! You just dumped me? Right here where I work in front of everyone I wait on?
Niles: That's okay. We'll go outside.
Kit: Why? Give me an answer!
Niles: [appalled] Kit, Kit, calm down.
Kit: You're tired of me? Is that what it is?
Niles: It's all right-
Kit: You've had enough of me? I gave you everything and you used me. Sex, sex, sex! The way you come to bed every night wanting it, begging for it!
Niles: I never had to beg.
Kit: I'm just a whore to you, aren't I?
Niles: No, don't say that.
Kit: Yes, I am. Your whore. Your whore from the café!
[Kit storms out]
Niles: It's really more of a compatibility thing. I'm recently divorced and I've been under a lot of strain...
Frasier: Niles. Niles, they're strangers. It's all right.