Marie: All right, all right that's enough, Raymond. You have been hurtful to both me and Debra today, and I think you owe a full apology to me.
Ray: Oh, I'm gonna apologize... to Dad!
Marie: Raymond!
Ray: Excuse me. My father likes cake. [exits]
Marie: Robby!
Robert: Oh, you're talkin' to me now? Because I believe you still owe me half a cake and a couple hundred Cadbury eggs!

Marie: Hello.
Ray: Oh no, don't even try it, Mom, okay? I'm talkin' to Dad now, all right? You had the first 40 years. Dad, Mom's the reason that I think you're cheap and bald!
Frank: You didn't get that on your own?
Ray: No! No, she didn't give me a chance. She was always complaining about you.
Marie: So men are allowed to do whatever they want, and the women just have to put up with it. This is the problem with America!
Frank: You're right. You should leave America.

Marie: Listen, Raymond, I spent the best years of my life trying to get an ounce of compassion out of this man, and he gave me nothing.
Ray: Well, don't tell me, tell him.
Marie: You gave me nothing, Frank!
Frank: Thanks a lot, Ray.
Ray: Just leave him alone, Ma.
Marie: So, this is whose side you're on now?
Ray: No, I'm the son. I'm not on anybody's side.
Robert: Well, I am! And since it's been you and Raymond all these years, it's gonna be me and Dad now. That's right. Us two against you two. Right, Dad?
Frank: Sure. Get me some milk.
Robert: All right! And I'm also available to talk behind Raymond and Ma's back.

Frank: Listen to me, Ray, your brother's a candy-pants. But guys like us, we've got to be strong. Because the truth is, your mother was gonna complain no matter what I did. So I figured, the hell with it! I'm gonna do what I want. Right?
Ray: Well, uh... Okay.
Frank: Right! Because the more the wife yammers, the more you can't listen. I've been through "Why can't you be a better person?!" Look at me! [eats cake] Am I a better person?
Ray: No.
Frank: I win!

Debra: Listen, I wanna talk about Daddy.
Ally: What's the bet?
Debra: Um... [clears throat] No, you know what? We're actually not going to do betting anymore, because I think it's left you with the impression that Daddy's not so cool. And Daddy is cool. [kids giggle] No, he is! You know that. You know that, right? Listen, I just want you to understand that when were doing all that stuff, like betting on haircuts and the grocery store and "ls Daddy zipped up today?" [kids laugh] Listen, I want you to know that I think your daddy is a great guy. He works very hard, he has a lot of fun with you guys, and we're lucky to have him. I love Daddy very much. And you know what? I would rather be married to him than Superman.
Geoffrey: You would?
Debra: Yes, I would.

Debra: No, I'm sorry. Nobody's gonna bet against you anymore, hmm? And you know what? From now on, I'm only going to build you up to the kids.
Ray: Hmm. Yeah?
Debra: Yeah.
Ray: Like what? What are you gonna say?
Debra: You know, all the good stuff. You're sweet, you're funny, you're a great guy.
Ray: Huh. All right. That's all good. When are you going to say that?
Debra: All the time.
Ray: Hmm. How about now?
Debra: What?
Ray: Well, I mean, what do got going on now? The kids are just sitting there, and I don't know, l-I'd kind of like to see this.
Debra: Ray, that's so awkward. Can't I just do it when it's natural to do it?
Ray: Come on. I got your sour cream.

Debra: Hey, guys. Daddy's pulling in. Hurry up and finish your meatloaf.
Ally: I like your new haircut, Mommy.
Debra: Thank you, honey.
Ally: Do you think Daddy'll notice?
Debra: I don't know. You wanna bet?
Kids: Yeah!
Debra: Which side do you want to take?
Ally: I bet he won't notice.
Debra: I was gonna take that one! Okay, he's coming. Hurry up. Quiet.

Ray: Hey, Gladys Knight and the Pips.
Debra: Hi, honey.
Ally: Hi, Daddy.

Ray: What's up?
Debra: Nothing.
Ray: Looks like somebody had a glass of wine.
Debra: No, no.
Ray: So, what? What are you doing?
Debra: Nothin'. Just looking at you.
Ray: You're drunk. Look at this. They spelled NCAA with three A's. How do they not catch that?
Debra: Ta-da! [the kids laugh]
Ray: What? What's so funny?
Ally: We bet Mommy you wouldn't notice her haircut, and we win.
Debra: What did you think I was doing, checking for lice?

Ray: Hey, guys.
Ally: Daddy, can you help me with my homework?
Ray: Ah, forget that. Listen. Listen. I thought of a funny bet that we can do to Mommy, okay? We'll turn on the TV, and then we'll bet how long it takes her to say, "Turn it off." Ha ha!
Ally: But I don't get it.
Michael: Yeah, Mommy's bets are funny.