Debra: No. I'm gonna rise to the challenge. Your mother will be looking for any flaw and I'm gonna make sure, we're gonna make sure, she doesn't find one.
Ray: We?
Debra: Yes, we. You're gonna help me.
Ray: Yeah, but-
Debra: No. This whole house has to be spotless and the meal must be made entirely from scratch.
Ray: Scratch?
Debra: Yeah.
Ray: That doesn't leave time for football.
Debra: There is no time for football. This has to be the perfect Thanksgiving. Come on, let's go.
Ray: Stupid Pilgrims.

Lois: Sweetie, I can't wait to dig in. Your bass smells wonderful.
Debra: Thank you, Mom.
Ray: You just got to know how to clean it.

Marie: Happy Thanksgiving!
Ray: Ma, what are you doing?
Marie: Well, Debra insisted on cooking a fish. So I cooked a turkey, in case people want to eat.

Ray: Deb, look at this. I was working out. I was doing some power crunches and I found this lump here. What the hell is this? This is something. This is something here. This is not. Oh, I got another one. It's a set. That's okay. I'm all right. Don't worry about it.
Debra: Freak.

Marie: Oh, Debra, how nice! You're giving sewing another try.
Debra: This is Ally's Thanksgiving costume for school.
Ray: My daughter is a yam.
Marie: Maybe she'll put on a little show for us after our Thanksgiving dinner.

Debra: Listen, now that you mentioned it, Marie, I was thinking that maybe we could have Thanksgiving here this year.
Marie: [chuckles] That's silly. I mean, why go to all that trouble?
Ray: It is kind of silly.
Debra: Ray.
Ray: Listen, Ma, Debra wants to try it this year. And I do, too, since I sleep over here now.
Marie: Yeah. Yeah, but you spent last year at Debra's parents'.
Debra: Well, I was thinking we could do it here this year and then next year you could do it, and then my parents. I kind of wanna just start my own tradition.
Marie: Oh, that's fine. That's just fine. I was just wondering why you're pulling that baloney on my year.
Ray: Ma, Debra's just trying to get into the rotation, that's all.
Marie: This is our year. Frank, say something.
Frank: Who cares? Just so long as I get my favorite piece of the turkey. The last part over the fence: the caboose.
Marie: Well, Frank, you have a choice: You can either have it here, or at home with me where I will be preparing my usual Thanksgiving feast.
Ray: A feast.
Marie: You heard me. [exits]
Ray: She's making a feast.
Frank: Well, I could eat here, and there. Then I get two cabooses.

Ray: Honey, how big is a big turkey?
Debra: About 18 pounds.
Ray: [holding one of the twins] Eighteen pounds. I think this one is just enough.
Debra: Put him down.
Ray: [sniffs] Oof, this one is self-basting.

Ray: Well, you've got your wish. Yeah, we're having Thanksgiving here, and the Russians are coming.
Debra: Wow, great! That's what I wanted. Here.
Ray: Really? We'll see.
Debra: What do you mean?
Ray: Well, because my mom now said she'd be happy to come.
Debra: So, what's wrong with her being happy?
Ray: Just think about it. This was supposed to be her year, right? The year that you're now taking. And everybody's gonna be coming here and she now knows that the star of your show is a fish. That makes her very happy.
Debra: Come on, what are you saying? That your mother's looking forward to my dinner being a flop?
Ray: I'm not saying she wants it to be a flop, but she doesn't want it to be better than hers.

Ray: How's that gonna look to Aunt Emma and Uncle Mel?
Debra: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Emma and Mel are coming here?
Ray: Yeah. She had already invited them to her house.
Debra: And she's happy more people are coming, so there'll be witnesses when I fail.
Ray: That's what I'm thinking.
Debra: Oh, my God! This is a trap! Oh, Emma and Mel. That Emma is so weird, and Mel is mean.
Ray: And weird.

Ray: Listen, here's an idea. Just cancel the fish. Go with the turkey. Things can still be all right.
Debra: But I can't compete with your mother's turkey. The woman has giblets in her blood.
Ray: Then let's just run right now. Come on. One call to the Witness Protection Program and we're Steve and Phyllis Goldenberg of Tempe, Arizona.