Best ‘Everybody Loves Raymond’ Quotes   Page 2 of 25    

Quote from Pat in Security

Pat: It's just that you heard how concerned I was about how his decision would affect Amy, and I don't see why you couldn't just support me.
Hank: We'll discuss this later.
Pat: Okay. But we won't.
Hank: So I'm just supposed to go along with you no matter how I feel?
Pat: I do it for you.
Hank: What do you mean?
Robert: No moving!
Pat: Well, I don't always like the vacations we have to take.
Hank: What's wrong with Colonial Williamsburg?
Pat: We go there every year. There's never anything new. And I hate to break this to you: There never will be.

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Quote from Pat in The Bird

Pat: Here we go.
Marie: How's the bird?
Pat: Oh, I took care of it.
Robert: What do you mean?
Pat: You know-- [makes neck twisting gesture]

Quote from Debra in Thank You Notes

Amy: I didn't mean to argue. It's thank-you notes. It's so stupid.
Debra: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Look at me. You were great. Do you hear me? You can't let her get away with anything.
Amy: But she's so upset. I don't want a bad relationship with her. I should go apologize.
Debra: No, no, no, no, no. Hey, listen, that is exactly what she is waiting for, for you to go over there and say you'll write those thank-you notes. You have got to be strong. She is testing you. Trust me, what she just pulled here, that's her big weapon: the guilt bomb. And it doesn't help that all the men in her family are scared to death of her. Whenever she comes up against somebody with a backbone who might actually confront her, she's completely threatened and she gets her claws out. And so she has been allowed to rule this way, unopposed, for decades. Listen, Amy I have been waiting for you. This is a critical time. Even though this is a tough regime to topple, with you in the family, now we have a shot... you and me together, to end all the suffering. Do you hear me? We can do it!

Quote from Ray in The Plan

Robert: What do you want me to say? I need to do the wedding invitations. Amy wants me to do it, so I'm doing it. Come on, help me.
Ray: All right. Here's what you do: You- You write a version of the invitation, but you do a horrible job. Okay? She'll see it, do it herself, and never ask you to do anything else with this wedding. You're welcome.
Robert: But it's terrible, Raymond. I'm not gonna intentionally screw it up just to get out of the work.
Frank: Hey, dummy, listen to your stupid brother.
Ray: Look, look. When we got engaged, Debra put me in charge of the music. Okay. So I found a DJ. She wanted a band. So I found a band. She didn't like the band, so I found another band. Nope! The truth is, she wanted to do it, but she just got it in her head that I should be part of this whole wedding experience. So you know what I did? I sent over this guy who sang and played the accordion. He had a keyboard with violins and trumpets and drum noises. His name was "Zippers, the One-Man Wedding Band." Next thing you know, she tells me, "Never mind, she'll take care of the music." I sat down, turned on the TV and never looked back.
Frank: That's a beautiful story.

Quote from Marie in Grandpa Steals

Ray: All right, look, Dad. We think you should know that Ally was kind of upset about what happened with the guy at the market.
Frank: Okay. Turn the TV back on.
Marie: Wait a second. What happened?
Frank: Aw, the jackass fruit guy accused me of stealing.
Marie: Frank, please! They're homosexuals.

Quote from Marie in She's the One

Robert: This again?!
Marie: A woman ate a fly? Nobody believes your stories, Robbie. Just say it.
Robert: No!
Marie: "I'm a gay."
Robert: What?
Marie: You'll feel better. "Hello, I'm queer, and now I'm here!"
Ray: Who says that?
Marie: That's the slogan. Just admit it already!

Quote from Ray in A Vote for Debra

Ray: You know, you're not supposed to ask people who they vote for. That's why we folded our votes and put it in the shoebox with tape around it, and they locked it up in the school cafe-gym-a-torium as our forefathers did.

Quote from Frank in Frank Goes Downstairs

Marie: So that's how you both fell? A race around the house, which you often do as a tradition?
Ray: Uh, yeah.
Frank: Stupid, humped-up termite trap!
[Frank falls through the stairs into the basement]
Marie: Oh, my God! Frank, are you all right?
Frank: [o.s.] Holy crap!
Marie: Don't move, I'm coming right down!
Frank: [o.s.] I'm in enough pain!

Quote from Marie in Marie's Sculpture

Sister Ann: Mrs. Barone, hello. Is that the sculpture you intended to contribute to the church auction?
Marie: Yes.
Sister Ann: Well, don't you think the subject matter is... Might be inappropriate?
Marie: Subject matter? What do you mean?
Sister Ann: Forgive me, but is that not a sculpture of... [whispers to Marie]
Marie: What?! What's wrong with you?
Sister Ann: It's just that it may not be right for the church-
Marie: Are you crazy?!

Quote from Marie in Ray's Journal

Marie: I just want to ask you something. Do you ever have any doubts about how good a mother you are?
Debra: Yes, of course-
Marie: No, no, I mean severe doubts. And have you any idea what it's like to be married to a husband who never helps you at all?
Debra: Go ahead.
Marie: And when you go to him for support, he only enhances those doubts? That was my life. Imagine little Michael, who loves you, who lights up whenever you get near him. Imagine him at 14, and he doesn't talk to you anymore. And you don't want to push him, so you just give him more love. And then one night you make him his favorite dinner, and you try to give him a kiss good night, and he goes up the stairs with a grunt. And you come across his journal, and you open it, and it says, "I hate my Mom." I wouldn't wish that on you, Debra.
Debra: Ray.
Ray: What?
Debra: Apologize to your mother.
Ray: I- I already did.
Debra: Do it again!

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