Woman: [to the clerk] I got this toaster for my son for Christmas yesterday, but it has some writing on it.
Marie: Oh, are you exchanging that?
Woman: No, I wouldn't dream of exchanging it. I got it for my son. What sort of mother would I be?
Marie: Well, I would exchange it because look at that stupid writing on it.
Woman: Oh, but I love it. The store just got the names wrong. Could you change the names to June, Harvey Bobby...
Marie: You see, this toaster's from my Raymond. Look here. Look, I'll show you. Here he is. Look, see. And there's Michael and Geoffrey and Ally and... I don't have a picture of Debra. Just give me that toaster, please.
Woman: No, it's my son's.
Marie: But it's my son. He needs me to have a toaster.
Clerk: Security! [crashing sounds]
Frank: [o.s.] Stupid stinking hump!
Woman: Hey!
Marie: Try a coffee machine.

Ray: Read this again.
Debra: Come on, Ray. Honey, it's a great present. What you wrote on it is perfect, and you can't change it now anyway because it's Christmas Eve.
Ray: Once more!
Debra: "Merry Christmas. We love you. Michael, Geoffrey, Ally, Debra and Ray."
Ray: It's stupid!
Debra: Oh! Honey, no, everybody's going to love this present, okay? Accept it, you had a great idea.
Ray: Why did I put Xmas, you know? I don't like Xmas. I X-ed out the name of the birthday boy.
Debra: Ray, stop! Stop obsessing, okay? I love it. My God, it's been two months of toaster!
Ray: Hey, this is going out with my name on it.

Ray: Did you wrap the one for your parents?
Debra: Yes.
Ray: Which wrapping?
Debra: The foil.
Ray: No! That tips off the gift.
Debra: What?!
Ray: Foil wrapping, it's a metal toaster! Why don't you just wrap it in toast?

Ray: You think this toaster thing is funky enough for them?
Debra: Was it supposed to be funky?
Ray: For them. I mean, hey're the hip people.
Debra: Oh, honey. Come on, you're hip. Yes, yes, this is a very hip funky bad-ass toaster!

Warren: Hey, a toaster. Look, hon, a toaster.
Lois: Oh. How nice.
Debra: You got to open the box. You go ahead there. What are you doing?
Ray: Hating myself.
Lois: Oh look, Warren!
Warren: "Merry Christmas. We love you. Michael, Geoffrey, Ally, Debra and Ray."
Lois: Oh, this is fantastic!
Debra: You see? You love it, right?
Warren: What a wild idea. Who thought of this?
Debra: Ray.
Ray: No, well... I... Yeah, yeah.

Lois: Oh, Raymond. Look at that engraving.
Warren: I love the chrome. Super! Just super!
Lois: Oh, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you, Ray! It is so retro-chic!
Ray: You're making fun of me, right?
Lois: No, this should be on display.
Debra: Home run. See?

Robert: Hey, by the way, that toaster you gave me, it was great, Raymond. Yeah, I gotta hand it to you, all the names engraved.
Ray: Yeah? Thanks.
Leann: Oh, that was so sweet. All my brother gave me was some cheap bath salts.
Ray: Oh, well, I just wanted to express myself in a retro-chic way.

Ray: All right, listen, did you guys open my present?
Frank: What? Oh, yeah. Uh, very nice. Thank you.
Ray: That's it? Did you see what it was?
Frank: What? Yeah. It was a toaster.
Ray: Did you open the box?
Frank: Yeah.
Ray: You saw what it said? What did it say?
Frank: I don't know. "Toast Pro." Who cares?
Ray: It was special. It's a special thing. You didn't open the box. You gotta open up the box, Dad. Come on. Where is it?
Frank: I don't have it with me right now.
Ray: What do you mean? Where is it? What did you do with it?
Frank: Your mother wanted a coffee-maker.

Ray: What did you do? Where is my toaster? What did you do?
Frank: Nothing, dear. When we saw it was a toaster, we took it over to Bloomingdale's and traded it in for the coffee machine.
Ray: What, but, I... It didn't even come from Bloomingdale's.
Frank: They don't know that.
Ray: So you lied to Bloomingdale's?
Marie: Not Mr. Bloomingdale. Just the store.

Ray: When did you do this?
Marie: Well, the day you gave it to us. I hate returning things after Christmas. It's so crowded. Coffee, dear?
Ray: No! No! I don't want coffee!
Frank: It's very good.
Ray: That wasn't just a toaster, Ma. It said, "Merry Christmas. We love you. Michael, Geoffrey, Ally, Debra and Ray."
Frank: It spoke?
Ray: No! On it! On the side. I had it engraved on the side!
Marie: Engraved?
Frank: What did you do that for?
Ray: I don't know! I thought it would be nice. I thought you might enjoy it, you psychopaths!