Marie: Robert, what is that? "Newsday's own Ray Barone survives..." Guns?
Ray: Listen, listen. The point was--
Marie: [hits Robert with the paper] What did you do to your brother?
Frank: What? What happened?
Ray: Nothing happened.
Marie: Nemo's was robbed, and Raymond was there. I knew that something would happen to him.
Frank: What happened to him? He's standing here. He's fine. Let's celebrate with the making of some eggs.

Ray: Listen, the newspaper thing. It was supposed to be about you. You know, I told them-
Robert: No. Listen, I know how that stuff works. You work for the paper, people know who you are, you're the important part.
Ray: No. You were the important part.
Robert: All right. Listen, I'm fine with it, okay? It doesn't matter to me what people think.
Ray: I know. I'm glad I saw that, though, 'cause you were... something.
Robert: Thanks. Wanna go again tonight?
Ray: What, are you nuts?

Debra: Honey, were you scared?
Ray: A little. Yeah. But, Robert, you know, was not.
Debra: You know, that's his job.
Ray: I know. But I couldn't do that. I mean, what's the most dangerous thing I do? I let the kids jump on me without wearing a cup. Robert, he's really...
Debra: You're proud of him.
Ray: Well, he's like a hero. You know, and everybody's always making a big fuss about what I do just 'cause I have some column. Robert's the one whose name should be in the paper.
Debra: Did you tell him that?
Ray: You know what? I'm gonna do better than that.
Debra: Who are you calling?
Ray: Hold on. [on the phone] Hey, Max. Yeah, it's Ray. Listen, you didn't put the paper to bed yet, did you? Okay, great. I got a great story. I went with my brother on this police ride-along. Yeah, the big guy. Yeah, the chin-toucher. Yeah. Listen. You're not gonna believe what happened...

Debra: Keep it down. I just got the kids to bed.
Ray: It's got to be loud. It's Cops. You can't enjoy violence without volume. [Debra whacks Ray with a magazine] Ow!
Debra: Oh, you're right.

Robert: What are you doing? You don't root for the perp.
Ray: He's the underdog.
Robert: He's a criminal.
Ray: I'm just saying, look at the moves on this guy. The Giants could use him.
Robert: Oh, big mistake. He's going into the alley. My boys should be coming right... now.
Ray: What, you've seen this one already?
Robert: No. That's the way you do it, see? First of all, you set up a perimeter, right? You close off all the avenues of escape. It's like catching a mouse.
Ray: I've seen you with a mouse. Remember this? [screams, laughs]
Robert: Remember me beating the crap out of you?
Robert: Oh, they got the bracelets on him. He ain't going nowhere.
Ray: Of course he's not going anywhere. The show's called Cops. It's fixed. You never see the bad guy getting away.
Robert: Let them get their own show.

Robert: You don't think I do this?
Ray: Come on. This is show biz. This is three months of filming cut down to half an hour. What?
Robert: Wanna go on a ride-along?
Ray: What?
Robert: A citizen's ride-along. Come on, big shot. Spend a shift in the back of my patrol car.
Ray: What? Drive around with you?
Robert: That's right. Put your ass where your mouth is.
Ray: Why would I wanna-
Robert: You know what I mean.

Robert: What's the matter? You scared?
Ray: I'm not scared. I'll go anytime.
Robert: How about tonight?
Ray: I can't go tonight.
Robert: That's 'cause you're scared.
Ray: All right, go ahead. I'll go. You set it up, and I'll go.
Robert: All right. Fine. I'll check with my partner, and we'll get you a vest.
Ray: What do you mean, a vest?
Robert: Bullet. Proof. Vest.
Ray: Okay, fine. Go ahead. Go right ahead. I'll just. I'll check with my partner. Hey, Deb. Robert wants me to go with him on his patrol tonight, you know, and sit in the car where all the action is, and wear a bulletproof vest. Okay?
Debra: Sure. Have fun.

Marie: Robert, you're taking Raymond to work with you?
Robert: Yeah. On a citizen ride-along.
Marie: No one discussed this with me. You're not going.
Robert: Oh, Ray, your mommy won't let you go.
Ray: Ma, I'm an adult, okay? I don't need a permission slip.
Robert: Well, you do have to sign this release form. The department can't guarantee your protection.
Ray: I thought you were my protection.

Marie: Frank, do something! Robert's putting Raymond in danger.
Frank: Danger? You wanna know danger?
Robert: Here we go.
Frank: Try Korea. They were firing at us with Kalashnikov rifles. Those things snap off 30 rounds a second. What are you two gonna be doing? Sitting in a squad car with a thermos full of cocoa?
Robert: Actually, no. That increases the frequency of urination.
Marie: I don't like any of this.

Dispatcher: [over radio] 2-3, Sergeant. Got an emergency call. Patching it through.
Robert: All right. Emergency. You wanted action. Here we go.
Marie: [over radio] Robbie, how's Raymond? Is he okay? I wanna talk to Raymond.
Robert: Ma!