Ray: Look, it was a bad gift to give you, and I want to apologize.
Frank: Okay, so we done?
Ray: No. No. No, no. See, I think maybe I understand why you're so upset about the dead fish.
Frank: I don't give a flying Wallenda about a dead fish.
Ray: Yeah, I know. I know, but I think maybe the fish was a symbol.
Frank: Huh?
Ray: The fish dying, I think maybe, made you think about. Not that it's going to happen anytime soon. I mean, everybody thinks about this. I think about it, too.
Frank: What in sweet hell are you talking about?

Ray: Come on, Dad. I wanted to do something nice!
Frank: Nice? That's more than I paid for my first car! Next year, why don't you get me a coffee mug that says: "l make more than you"? And if I want a fish tank, I'll get my own damn fish tank!
Ray: I know you can, Dad, but then it wouldn't be a gift.
Frank: You know what's a nice gift? I'll tell you. One of those magnetic coin holders for your car. $1.50 at any car wash! That's a nice thing for a son to give a father!
Ray: Dad, come on. Look, I make a good living. I can afford to buy you this.
Frank: I know! Okay? I know! How would you feel if little Geoffrey went out and got you some big, expensive thing?
Ray: I'd wonder why Michael didn't get me something. But then, I would feel proud. I'd feel proud that one of my boys could do that.
Frank: You think that's how you'd feel!
Ray: No, I would. I would feel proud. So you don't feel proud of me.
Frank: No, no, no, no. There's some of that. But then there's me. I still have to feel about me.

Frank: Oh, a sweater. Didn't you buy me a sweater once already?
Marie: But you didn't wear that one.
Frank: So why did you buy me another one?
Debra: It's a beautiful sweater, Marie.
Frank: I'm probably allergic to this.
Ray: See, Ma? I don't know why you keep trying. You're going to have to return it like always.
Marie: Nuh-uh. Not this year. It's a final sale item. No refunds and no exchanges.
Frank: That's what her parents said when we got married. [chuckles] I do like the buttons.

Ray: What the hell am I going to get my dad now? He's never liked anything I've ever gotten him. I thought I developed the perfect system: I get him nothing. He seemed to like that. I got everybody to go along with it, and all of a sudden he likes the remote boat.
Debra: Well, it is his 65th birthday, Ray.
Ray: Come on, you're the shopper. Help me.
Debra: Why don't you take him to a ball game?
Ray: Hmm. No. It's got to be something I ordered. That much we know. It's late because I ordered it. Hey. Hey, if I got him the universal remote, he wouldn't need the remote boat. [chuckles] Robert.
Debra: What about the TV guide and the soda?
Ray: Damn.

Ray: When we go to Wo-hop's, he always takes a table by the tropical fish tank. He likes that. Maybe I'll get him a fish tank.
Debra: Yeah. You know, that's good. That really is good, Ray.
Ray: Wait. Wait. Would I have had to order an aquarium? That's important. It has to fit in with my lie.
Debra: Maybe you special-ordered him a fish.
Ray: Special fish.
Debra: Yeah.
Ray: I like that. I like that.
Debra: Good.
Ray: Somebody, some scuba diver in Fiji is just combing the coral reefs looking for Frank Barone's very special fish. That's it. That's our story.
Debra: Good, Ray.
Ray: Okay. Now repeat it back to me.

Marie: The other night we ate dinner in here just so we could watch the fish.
Ray: No kidding?
Marie: Not tonight, though. We're having baked salmon.

Frank: Hey, you got me the candles that don't blow out, again.
Robert: Yeah, like you don't love it.
Marie: You want to cut the cake, Frank?
Frank: Just a minute. Let me loosen up here.
Marie: No, don't unbuckle those. Go put on your elastic pants.
Frank: I don't want to.
Marie: Go, go, go. Come on.
Frank: All right. My house, my pants, my birthday.

Ray: Robert, what's going on? We stopped getting him presents.
Robert: Well, this is his 65th birthday, Raymond. You didn't get him a present?
Ray: I got him a card. A funny card.
Robert: So no present from you.
Ray: The kids made stuff.
Robert: But nothing from you.
Ray: No.
Robert: Dad, you coming down, or what?
Ray: [to Debra] Hurry up, knit something.
Debra: I'm going to stay with the kids and help with their presents.
Ray: Oh, sure. Attach yourself to them.

Frank: Hey! The little kid with the spaghetti on his head. Look at him. [chuckles]
Robert: Remember? Remember when you did that to me?
Frank: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Ray: He did it to me.
Robert: He did it to me.
Ray: He can't even reach your head.
Robert: He did it with cereal. What are you talking about?
Marie: Stop fighting! He did it to you both.

Marie: Oh, that is clever.
Debra: Yeah. That's kind of great.
Frank: Why didn't I invent that?
Ray: Why? Dad, please. It takes a team of technicians, designers, and skilled craftsmen to produce this wood box.