Robert: [enters] Glad you're not busy.
Ray: What makes you think we're not busy, Robert?
Robert: I saw you through the window.
Debra: You were looking?
Robert: Well, I'm a cop. It's my training.
Ray: You know, Robert, it may look like we're not busy, but... Get out.

Robert: I need you to take an IQ test. [makes weird gesture]
Ray: What?
Robert: An IQ test. [repeats weird gesture] I'm taking a Criminal Psychology class to make Lieutenant and I have to learn how to give an IQ test. [again]
Ray: I think he wants me to steal third.
Robert: Have I ever asked you for anything, Raymond?
Ray: All right, you gotta get out of Mom's house.

Robert: Thank you so much. This really means a lot to me.
Ray: All right, but listen, we're not gonna-
Robert: There's no talking! I'll be testing you one-on-one for each section. Now, this is very important. I have to treat you both the same. I'm not supposed to chitchat. And I gotta be stone-faced.
Ray: There's a stretch.
Robert: Again, no talking!
Debra: So where do you wanna do this, Robert?
Robert: I thought we could start with you in the basement, if that's all right with you, Debra.
Ray: How come you didn't snap-
Robert: No talking!

Ray: Hey, wait a minute. How did it go?
Robert: Well, I believe I administered and evaluated the test correctly. And I feel I did pretty good. Good night.
Ray: Well, who cares about you? Tell us the scores.
Debra: It's not about us, Ray. Robert, just placate him. Tell him the scores.
Marie: [to Frank] Placate: To appease, to make feel better.
Robert: The scores aren't really important.
Debra: I know that, but your brother seems-
Robert: Yeah, but I'm not supposed-
Debra: Tell us the scores! I'm just curious.

Debra: What did I get?
Robert: You scored 115.
Debra: Yes! [giggles] Well, that's close.
Robert: I'm sorry. You're not close. Fifteen points is one standard deviation.
Marie: Oh.
Ray: What's that? That means that between the two of you, well, Debra's in a whole higher class of brains.
Frank: Holy crap!
Robert: Good night.

Debra: Well, I mean, they're just, you know, test scores. It was really about Robert learning to give the test.
Ray: I didn't know he was going to learn that you're smart and I'm an idiot.
Debra: There's more than one kind of intelligence, Ray.
Frank: That's right. There's street smarts.

Linda: Are you ready for this? Don't fall out of your chairs. Our store is on the Internet.
Debra: No.
Bernie: Yeah, you just point your browser to www.Bernie.com and there I am straddling a Jet Ski.
Linda: He looks so cute in his Speedo.
Bernie: I'm sorry, Ray. I'm sure Debra knows all about the Internet but let's talk about something we can all understand. Pizza hot. [laughs]
Debra: Oh.
Ray: Yeah, have your fun.
Debra: Leave him alone, Bernie. He didn't tell you about the test so you could use it against him.
Bernie: You know nothing about friendship.

Bernie: You okay?
Ray: Are they looking?
Bernie: No. Why?
Ray: Come here. [Bernie sits next to Ray] You have gotta take this test.
Bernie: What are you talking about?
Ray: I'm talking... She feels so bad for me, I got it made. She's getting lemon in my soda. I can't do anything. She's doing everything for me. Including...
Bernie: No!
Ray: Yes! You know, when the results came in, at first I was upset because I was stupid. Now, this is the greatest thing that ever happened.
Bernie: I gotta take this test. I just hope I'm stupid enough.
Ray: Don't worry.

Debra: You had to tell your mother that you're the smarter one.
Ray: She's my mother. If I can't tell her, who can I tell?
Debra: You told Linda.
Ray: Absolutely not. I would never tell Linda.
Debra: Then you told Bernie.
Ray: Well, who knew he'd talk to his wife?

Ray: It was short. It was short. I remember it was curly because it was raining out. And it was lighter than it is now but I remember, it was short.
Debra: Oh, Ray. No.
Ray: I took a shot.