Robert: All right, go ahead and laugh, that's what everyone else does.
Debra: Listen, we were just talking about your birthday.
Robert: Oh, yeah, yeah, my birthday. Happy birthday to the middle-aged man who is back living with his parents.
Marie: [sings] And many more.

Robert: I just wanna thank everybody for being such a loving family. I'm in there with a bull hole in me, and you're in here calling me "jerk." That's nice.
Frank: Hey, if you're having such a bad time living here, then don't!
Robert: You want me out?
Ray: Well, you don't have to finish your rehab here, man. Just move out.
Frank: That's right. You're pretty much back on your big clown feet.
Robert: My feet are proportionate to my height.

Robert: I'll be back for my personal effects tomorrow.
Frank: Take your time!
Robert: I'm outta here! [exits, returns] You gotta move your car, it's blocking me.
Frank: My pleasure! Marie, move the car.
Marie: I don't have your keys.
Frank: I don't have them. You're always hiding them.
Marie: Nobody hides your keys, Frank. If you just put them on the hook where they belong-
Frank: Don't tell me to put them on the hook. I hate putting them on the hook!
Marie: Are they in your pants upstairs?
Frank: I don't leave my keys in my pants. How about the time you left them in the front door, senile?
Marie: How about the time you had them in your hands. "Where are my keys? Where are my keys?"
Robert: All right, all right, wait, I forgot. I had them. And here's your "TV Guide" and here's your big spoon.
Ray: I hope you're gonna boil that spoon.

Ray: Ah, oh God, what the hell is that smell?
Robert: I left a carton of milk out the day I got gored by the bull. Apparently, if you leave milk out for 12 weeks, it goes bad and then explodes. [holds candle] However, this is "lavender bouquet."
Ray: Can we use it to light the apartment on fire?
Debra: Robert, do you have any more candles?
Frank: Or an old sneaker I can bury my face in?
Robert: Make yourselves at home. Or not.
Frank: I say "not."

Marie: Oh. Is that the cake you made?
Debra: You know, you could have made one, Marie.
Marie: The way Robert's behaving? No, he doesn't deserve one of my cakes. This is perfect.

Marie: You know what, Robbie? You need to air this place out overnight. And tomorrow I'll come in and give it a good once-over. So tonight you'll sleep at our house, and I don't wanna hear any argument from you.
Robert: All right, if that's what you want.
Debra: Come on, let's go home and we can have the cake there.
Marie: Oh, no, no, no, no, dear. I have some cake at home. Why don't we leave your cake here? It goes so well with this apartment.
Robert: [to Debra] Hurts so good, huh?

Frank: Hey, Ray, did you hear my imitation of Robert's tushy cushion? "How about a salad, fatso?" A salad! Oh, man. [exits]
Ray: Talking tushy cushion. That's clever.
Robert: Yeah, you should hear his new bit about the toilet seat talking to me.

Ray: But, maybe you should cut them some slack.
Robert: What?
Ray: Yeah, 'cause they mean well, you know? Well, Mom means well, Dad's just mean.
Robert: What, they sent you in here to talk to me?
Ray: No. No, not at all.
Robert: Come on, Ray, everybody knows you're Ma's little lapdog.
Ray: What are you talking about?
Robert: Well, you know, she gives you treats, and you scamper around, doing tricks like a trained poodle. I think I'll start calling you "Princess."
Ray: I'm not a poodle, Robert.
Robert: Princess want a Fruit Loop?

Ray: What, are you just gonna be a pain in the ass to everybody?
Robert: Oh, yeah yeah, there you go. Pain in the ass, I get it.
Ray: That's not what I meant, huh? Come on.
Robert: Hey, don't act so innocent, okay? You were the first one to find humor in my... discomfiture. Yeah, yeah, thanks for the laughs, funny man.
Ray: So you're gonna be mad at me now, just because you've gotta spend three more weeks here?
Robert: Oh, how could I be mad at you Princess?
Ray: God, you are a jerk. [puts finger in Robert's cereal, then runs away]

Marie: Robbie, I'm gonna do a load of your socks and underpants. Now, are you wearing today's underpants or yesterday's?
Robert: They're fine, Ma.
Marie: No, no, let me see.
Robert: No, no, no, no, no, no.
Ray: No, no, no.
Robert: Don't! Come on!
Marie: Robert, you know the most important pants a person has? Underpants.
Robert: I know, Ma.
Marie: You remember when you ran out of underpants that time?
Robert: It was the fifth grade, Ma.
Marie: And you had to wear a pair of Raymond's underpants to school.
Ray: Eww! You never told me that.
Marie: I'm checking your dresser.