Sergeant Judy: I'm Officer Rosemond and this is Sergeant Barone. What seems to be the trouble?
Store Owner: See those kids over there? One of them stole something.
Robert: Well, did you see it?
Store Owner: Yes. They were fooling around and that one in the green coat, he took something and put it in his posh-posh.
Robert: In his posh-posh?
Sergeant Judy: I think that's his pocket.
Store Owner: Yes, in his posh-posh.

Robert: Raymond's mad at me because I showed Debra the Heimlich maneuver.
Gianni: Is that a euphemism?
Ray: You don't come into my house and try to show me up in front of my wife.
Robert: He let her almost choke to death.
Gianni: Well, that's not right.
Ray: She was coughing on a piece of fruit! Only thanks to this "boy scout," she thinks I'm useless now.
Robert: I'd rather be a boy scout than a girl scout.
Ray: What are you saying?
Robert: I'm saying I'll take a box of thin mints, sweetie.

Ray: Cheer up, will ya? Get something from the minibar.
Robert: Oh, minibar ooh, whoopee. How much is a soda?
Ray: Who cares? The paper's paying for it.
[Robert raids the minibar]
Robert: I feel a little better.

Debra: Frank! Come on! Please come in! He's just standing out there.
Amy: "I can't believe I'm actually having a good time with you"? Why would you say that, Deb?
Debra: I was- I was trying to say something nice, it just came out wrong.
Robert: Not just wrong. Mean.

Robert: Why is there butter on your sheets?

Robert: This is a beautiful day, isn't it? It's crisp. You know, I really never knew what people meant when they said it was a crisp day, but today I get it.
Ray: Where'd you get that shirt, "Big, Tall and Samoan"? [Robert hugs Ray] What are you doing? Go away! What are doing?
Robert: I hugged you. Surprised? That's exactly why I hugged you. Oh, there's a new Robert in town.
Ray: Well, he still has that old Robert smell.

Debra: So, what's going on, Robert?
Robert: Ah, I'm just happy. I got a new outlook on life. Hey, have you ever heard about "Innerpath"?
Debra: No. What's that?
Robert: I'm glad you asked. It's a group with a great philosophy about life and how to live it. I've been to a couple of meetings already. Gerard got me into it.
Debra: Gerard? Isn't he, like, uh, an idiot?
Robert: I used to think so but that was my baggage. I was making him carry.
Debra: Oh. So is this like a self-help group or something?
Robert: Oh, no no no. It's much more. You see, Innerpath teaches us that we all have the same emotional doors. And the trick is recognizing which doors to bolt shut and which ones to throw open.
[Ray gets up and goes and opens his kitchen door]

Robert: I'm leaving.
Ray: No, no, you can't leave now. We're almost there.
Robert: No, we're not, okay? Just forget it, Ray. I'm going back to Innerpath. This is a negative place. And it's not just him. He's just the poster boy. And it's her and her, too.
Ray: Wait! Wait! What about me? What about what I just said?
Robert: Nice try, but you're not that good an actor.
Ray: Hey! What are you gonna do now? You're just gonna go back to your stupid cult?
Robert: It's not a cult, okay? I'm sorry, everybody, but I've confirmed something here today that the path to inner peace and harmony clearly cannot be found in this family. Goodbye.

Robert: So you had to pay more than us, huh? You had to hog all the glory. Glory hog!
Ray: No, it just- I can afford it, okay? I'm doing good. That's all. It's no big deal.
Robert: "I'm doing good. That's all. It's no big deal." You just had to show me up, right?!
Frank: Thanks a lot, Ray.
Robert: I'm paying one-third, okay? So I owe...
Debra: $80.
Robert: $80. Yes, $80.
Ray: All right, just calm down.
Robert: No. I already paid $30, so I owe...
Debra: $50.
Robert: I know $50!

Ray: That's it? That's it for the ice cream? That's all we had? Oh, great.
Frank: What's the big deal?
Ray: Nothing, I just wanted a little more ice cream. That's all. I hardly had any. I just wanted a little more ice cream. Nothing. I had- I had squat. I had nothing. Nothing. Ice cream.
Frank: All right. All right, quit whining.
[After Frank takes Robert's bowl and gives it to Ray, Ray tucks in and Robert gets up to leave]
Robert: Bongo monkey.