Ally: "Squanto and the Pilgrims became friends, but Squanto's tribe did not like the settlers."
Marie: This is an excellent play.
Ray: "l think we should be friends with the Pilgrims and sign a peace treaty."
Hank: "Yes, we promise to protect your people and treat you with kindness."
Robert: Lies. They're gonna screw us.

Ray: We don't even have to do this, 'cause like you said before, Ma loves me more!
Robert: Well, you know what? She can love you all she wants, because I love her more than you do.
Ray: What?
Robert: You heard me. I love Ma more.
Ray: Are you insane?
Robert: Deep down inside, Raymond, you know it's true.
Ray: Are you saying that I don't love my mother?
Robert: Not as much as me. You take her for granted. But me? I cherish every ounce of affection that woman gives me because I have to fight for it like a dirty dog in the street. But you? You don't even have to try. She makes it so easy for you. You're just a fat kid sittin' with his mouth open at the end of a chocolate assembly line. You disgust me. I'm gettin' Ma.

Robert: Amy! Amy! Amy!
Amy: Hey, what is it? Hey, cute boxers.
Robert: We're being played.
Amy: What?
Robert: You know all that nice stuff that Mom's doing for us? It isn't because she cares for us. She wants us to breed. We're Ling-Ling and Hsing-Hsing.

Robert: When did he get this?
Marie: Oh, that's an award your brother got for his sports column.
Robert: Never ends for Raymond.
Marie: Oh, poor Robbie.
Robert: Everybody loves Raymond. I go to work, people shoot at me. Ray goes to work, people do the wave. Then he sits down, has a hot dog, doodles on a piece of paper and they give him a trophy.

Robert: [crying] Sure, I've put on a big show about how Ma loves Raymond better and Dad's an ogre, but they do take care of me!
Debra: Okay.
Robert: I've got a place to sleep, laundry, the food is unbelievable! Her lasagna, her pie, even something as simple as Cream of Wheat, which you wouldn't think would be different from one place to another. I don't know why, but hers is better.
Debra: Robert, l- I didn't mean to suggest-
Robert: Oh, my God! You know, maybe I never wanted to move out of there. What kind of a nutjob am I? Nutjob! Nutjob!
Debra: No, no! Robert, you're not.
Robert: You're right, Debra. You're right. Maybe- Maybe I don't wanna get better. I must love being the victim. Oh my God, I'm doing it right now! Look at me! I don't think I can stop, Debra. I don't think I'm ever gonna stop! Help me out of this! Please, help me out of this!
Debra: Robert, you're crushing me!

Ray: Hey, at least I don't spend my whole life competing with my little brother!
Robert: Oh, yeah? Let me tell you something. I don't have to compete with you.
Ray: Oh, you don't compete? That's all you do! Look at this! You saved this for 10 years! 10 years!
Robert: Oh my God. I saved that letter for 10 years.
Debra: Oh, Robert, that's not so bad.
Robert: In a Ziploc bag! Everything I do... my job, my marriage, trying to get Mom and Dad's attention...
Frank: Leave me out of this.
Robert: Anytime something good happens to me, the first thought I get is, "Hey, what about that, Raymond?" And if it's something bad, I actually say a prayer that Ray... doesn't do so good that day.
Debra: You say a prayer?
Robert: "Come on, God. Get him!"

Ray: Robert's weird. He doesn't like to go out to eat because he has a fear of busboys. He can't carry his dollar bills facing each other because it would be like they're kissing.
Debra: That's just quirky.
Ray: Yeah? Quirky? He separates his Good 'n Plenties into "goods" and "plenties." Which one is which again?
Robert: Never mind.
Ray: No, no, go ahead. Go ahead.
Robert: The pinks are the "goods," and the whites are the "plenties." 'Cause there's always more of them. And they're not as good. And then there's a third category of "irregulars."
Ray: And they're called...
Robert: "Cuties."
Ray: I rest my case.

Robert: [to a fellow officer] What I'll do is, I'll put in a couple more hours and then I'll punch out. [notices Debra in the cell] Hey, Ray. Hey, Deb. [stops walking] Debra?
Debra: Hi, Robert.
Robert: Oh, my God. She finally killed Mom.

Robert: Wow, are you a liar. You know, I know what it is. I got something good and you can't stand it. You never could. Remember when I made that diorama in Mr. Carolan's history class?
Ray: What?
Robert: Everybody said how great it was everybody! I won a prize, remember? But you said it stunk.
Ray: You had George Washington fighting a dinosaur.
Robert: It was a dragon, Raymond! A dragon that represented years of British tyranny! Which just goes to show how stupid you were then and now.

[flashback:]
Robert: [clears throat] Hello. I gotta make a toast. I'd like to say to my brother Raymond that even though there have been times I felt that he was the favorite, that he always got everything he ever wanted, I have never felt that more than I do today. [laughter] I want to wish these two kids well. I know success will probably move them far, far away from us. But I know somehow we'll find a way to be together.
Marie: Of course we will!
Robert: So if everyone will join me to Mr. and Mrs. Raymond Barone.
[After Robert touches the champagne glass to his chin before drinking, everybody in the audience does the same]
Ray: [to Debra] Have I mentioned there are some weird things about my family?