TV Quotes

Agent Garfield: Mrs. Barone, you seem like an intelligent woman.
Marie: Thank you. Have a cookie.
Agent Garfield: Do you really think that a mother interfering to the extent that you have could possibly help a man get a job with the FBI? There's something else going on.
Marie: He was supposed to retire! He's a year away from not being a police officer. Which means I could stop worrying about him every second of the day. I want him to be safe. Now he wants to go from one dangerous job to another? How long do I have to walk around with a knot in my stomach? Forever? I can't do it anymore. It's too much! But he wants this job. It'll make him happy. And he should be happy. So, yes, he should have this job. Please, give him this job.
Agent Garfield: I can't do that.
Marie: No. No, don't blame him, you can punish me! Put one of those tracking things on my legs so I can't get out of the house. And if you met my husband, you'd know that's punishment enough.

Agent Garfield: Is this a joke?
Robert: Excuse me?
Agent Garfield: "Dear FBI Agent Garfield. I'm writing to ask for your understanding. You have an interview this morning with my son, Robert Barone. I think you will find Robert to be an exceptional candidate for the job. He is hard-working, brave, and handsome." [Garfield looks up in disbelief] "But I feel I have hurt his chances somewhat. You see, he has a lucky suit. And while I was ironing this morning, I ruined it. He was very upset, so he might be a little distracted. Please don't hold this against him. If anything, blame me. I don't mind, I'm used to it. Of course, it's also my other son Raymond Barone's fault. He's a famous sportswriter. Perhaps you've heard of him. But mostly, I'm to blame. I only wanted Robert to look his best. Thank you for understanding. Sincerely, Marie Barone." [Robert is stunned into silence] "P.S."
Robert: Oh, God.
Agent Garfield: "Please ask Robert to forgive me. I tried, but it'll mean more coming from you." Please forgive your mother.

Robert: [clears throat] Uh, if I may... You mentioned, Father Hubley, that I was not included in that book, and that is a very astute observation. And I do believe that my unique position in this... family, as that of an outsider, allows me to view this hodgepodge of life from a rather unique vantage point.
Ray: Top of a beanstalk?
Robert: And I do maintain that if anyone is to blame, Father, for this river of pent-up hostility that runs through this sorry bunch like you-know-what through a we-know-what... that person goes by the name... of Raymond.
Ray: Oh, sit down, you dope.
Robert: He is and always has been the center... the center of attention, the center of affection, he always gets the center chair in the kitchen. And this anger of which you speak, from the rest of these poor souls, stems from his unwillingness to share even the tiniest portion of the spotlight that shines, without end... on him.

Robert: I was hip to Ma. I had two diaries. The one for her was a decoy.
Ray: You kept two sets of books?
Robert: Yeah, the one I let her find had stuff in it that I knew she'd want to read, like, um... how good her eggplant parmigiana was, and how her punishments were fair and just and about how I wanted to marry someone just like her.
Ray: A fake diary. You kept a fake diary. That's sick.
Robert: Yep, and I kept it in the first place I'd knew she'd look, under my mattress.
Ray: That's where I kept mine.
Robert: Unfortunate.