Debra: That's why I want to go to counseling. I don't think it's that you're just lazy. I think there's a deeper reason behind this, and if we could just figure it out, you and I could be happier.
Ray: Come on, you know me. There's not much deepness. I just... I like to be taken care of.
Debra: You gotta understand, Ray, that that's not a wife. That's a mother.
Ray: Well, maybe that's what I want!
Frank: Holy crap!

Marie: So that's how you both fell? A race around the house, which you often do as a tradition?
Ray: Uh, yeah.
Frank: Stupid, humped-up termite trap!
[Frank falls through the stairs into the basement]
Marie: Oh, my God! Frank, are you all right?
Frank: [o.s.] Holy crap!
Marie: Don't move, I'm coming right down!
Frank: [o.s.] I'm in enough pain!

Marie: I don't understand. What would you tape over your wedding?
Robert: Football.
Marie: Sports? Sports?!
Ray: It was the Super Bowl, Ma.
Marie: It doesn't matter if it was the Super-Duper-Bowl, it's still sports!
Ray: I know.
Frank: Hey, good work, Ray. Now when some broad starts yapping, "You're never romantic," guys everywhere can say, "Hey, you think I'm bad? At least I didn't pull a Ray Barone!"
Marie: I must say I'm surprised, Raymond. You're not usually so thoughtless and inconsiderate. He gets this from you, Frank.
Frank: At least I didn't pull a Ray Barone!

Ray: I don't know what happened. I guess the tape wasn't marked correctly.
Debra: Oh, the tape wasn't marked correctly. You don't think the tape was marked correctly. What is this Ray? What is this big white label that says, "Our Wedding," in gold trim?
Ray: Did it always say that?
Debra: Why would you use this tape?
Ray: I don't know. The game was nine years ago. Maybe, you know, the guys might have been over, and if the game was getting good, somebody said, "Hey, you should be taping this!" And you know me, I'm just trying to be a good host. I said, "Hey that's a good idea, someone else." Hey, you know something? I have an idea. Next time, if you have something on tape that you like and you wanna save it, you see this little tab right there? You just pop it out. You pop the tab out. And then the machine knows, "Oh, you must really like that. I won't tape over it. I won't!" You just pop it out. You pop the tab out.

Frank: Eggs, Marie. Scrambled. And they've been looking a little pale lately. Stop holding back on the yolks.
Marie: I'm not holding back.
Frank: I'm on to you. Daddy wants his yolks!
Marie: You get every yolk, Frank. What possible reason would I have for prolonging your life?