Ray: Hey, Mom and Dad, I think I know what I'm gonna get you for Christmas.
Frank: Better not be a pet. I hate people who give pets.
Ray: Yeah, yeah, we know, Dad.
Frank: Giving a pet means "You're old, I find you boring. Talk to a bird."

Frank: What did you do? Try to soften her up with a big present so you could go play golf?
Ray: For your information, Dad, it's a little more complicated than that.
Frank: You're an idiot. Give me that chocolate. Sit down. Let me tell you something about women. You think you've got to butter them up to get what you want. That is a poor man's game. "Oh, sweetums, here's some flowers. Can I go to the lodge?" Not for me. Not for me! I don't do that nice crap.
Robert: So how do you get what you want?
Frank: I've learned to do without.

Robert: How could they not like the toaster?
Ray: They didn't even open it. They traded it in. Ungrateful mental cases.
Debra: You know, maybe the question here isn't, "Why don't they ever like my presents?" but rather, "Why do I so desperately need their approval?"
Robert: Ah!
Ray: Oh, shut up! Shut up! How would you feel?
Robert: How would I feel? Maybe you'd like to read my book: "You're in the Way: The Robert Barone Story." He doesn't need their approval, sis. He's got it to a fault. He's the beloved one.

Marie: We're just checking these.
Sales Clerk: I can assure you they're all exactly like the display model.
Marie: See, here's one where the pamphlet's a little folded.
Frank: What are you doing? That's not a believable complaint.
Marie: It's perfectly valid.
Frank: Can't you ever just be quiet?
Marie: Don't you tell me to be quiet! I have a mind of my own, you know? I can contribute. I'm not just some trophy wife!
Frank: You're a trophy wife? What contest in hell did I win?

Ray: What about the Fruit-of-the-Month club?
Marie: Oh, well, that was insane! A year of fruit? You know they still send me flyers wanting me to rejoin? And pictures of apricots! How is that supposed to make me feel?
Ray: How you feel? How about how I feel? You ever think of that?
Marie: Well, honey, we are the ones who have to get these presents.