Ray Quote #4
Debra: But do they have to bring your brother over?
Ray: My brother lives with them. He doesn't like staying alone.
Debra: He's 40, Ray.
Ray: Come on. He loves the kids.
Debra: It's just like... The way Robert eats, you know? The way he has to touch every bite to his chin before he puts it in his mouth. That's weird.
Ray: What? That's an idiosyncrasy. It's like when he's counting and he gets to 12, he has to take his shoes off. Everybody has those.
Debra: How did he ever become a police sergeant?
Ray: Because he's a good cop. And they didn't make him count. Or eat.
Quote from Marie
Marie: Your birthday gift to me finally came this morning. Did you know you sent me a box of pears?
Ray: Yeah. Yeah.
Marie: From a place called Fruit-of-the-Month?
Ray: That's right. How are they?
Marie: Oh, they're very nice pears. But there are so many of them. There are over a dozen pears. What am I supposed to do with all those pears?
Ray: I think you're supposed to eat them, Ma.
Ray: You and Dad and Robert.
Marie: How many pears can Robert eat? Look, I appreciate the thought, Raymond, but please, don't ever send us any more fruit again. Thanks.
Quote from Marie
Ray: It's a different fruit every month.
Marie: Every month?
Ray: Yes. Yes. That's why they call it Fruit-of-the-Month Club.
Marie: It's a club? Oh, my God! What do I do with all this fruit?
Ray: Well, most people like it, Ma! You share it. Share it with all your friends.
Marie: Which friends?
Ray: I don't know. Lee and Stan.
Marie: Lee and Stan buy their own fruit.
Ray: Well, give it to-
Marie: Oh, why did you do this to me?
Ray: My God!
Marie: I can't talk. There's too much fruit in the house!
Quote from Counseling
Debra: That's why I want to go to counseling. I don't think it's that you're just lazy. I think there's a deeper reason behind this, and if we could just figure it out, you and I could be happier.
Ray: Come on, you know me. There's not much deepness. I just... I like to be taken care of.
Debra: You gotta understand, Ray, that that's not a wife. That's a mother.
Ray: Well, maybe that's what I want!
Frank: Holy crap!
Quote from The Plan
Robert: What do you want me to say? I need to do the wedding invitations. Amy wants me to do it, so I'm doing it. Come on, help me.
Ray: All right. Here's what you do: You- You write a version of the invitation, but you do a horrible job. Okay? She'll see it, do it herself, and never ask you to do anything else with this wedding. You're welcome.
Robert: But it's terrible, Raymond. I'm not gonna intentionally screw it up just to get out of the work.
Frank: Hey, dummy, listen to your stupid brother.
Ray: Look, look. When we got engaged, Debra put me in charge of the music. Okay. So I found a DJ. She wanted a band. So I found a band. She didn't like the band, so I found another band. Nope! The truth is, she wanted to do it, but she just got it in her head that I should be part of this whole wedding experience. So you know what I did? I sent over this guy who sang and played the accordion. He had a keyboard with violins and trumpets and drum noises. His name was "Zippers, the One-Man Wedding Band." Next thing you know, she tells me, "Never mind, she'll take care of the music." I sat down, turned on the TV and never looked back.
Frank: That's a beautiful story.