Ray: Hey speaking of baseball, did I ever tell you the story about me and Little League? It's kind of funny. It's, uh I was a little older than you, and right before the game, I had just drank a lot of Kool-Aid. So I had to go to the bathroom, but I decided to hold it, 'cause when I was a kid I didn't like going to the bathroom. Now I like going to the bathroom. I like it a lot. So it's the third inning, and I'm playing second base, and I've gotta go real bad. And I'm scrunching my legs together. I'm banging my mitt against my thigh. I'm trying to keep up the chatter real loud. I thought if I screamed loud enough, it would distract me. You know, "Hey, batter, batter. Hey, batter batter, swing!" But... I couldn't hold it. I started to go.
Michael: You were on the field?
Ray: Right between first and second. It- It- It felt so bad... and yet so good. I still tried to keep up the chatter, but it was more like "Hey, batter, batter. [voice breaks] Hey, batter, batter, swing." So this this dark spot is getting bigger and bigger. But nobody seemed to notice, so I just thought soon as the inning's over... I'm just gonna run off the field, jump on my bike, and ride home. Just then I look up, and there's Dave Malloy on our bench. [slowly] "Hey! Look at Barone!" [normally] I look up, and all the kids are laughing at me. My own teammates, they were pounding the fence, they were laughing so hard. And there I was, at second base right in the middle of everything.
Michael: What did you do?
Ray: I did exactly what you're supposed to do. I cried. I bawled my eyes out. I should've cried earlier. Maybe it would have diverted some of the pee into tears.
Michael: Really?
Ray: No, the body doesn't work that way. Anyway, you know how in baseball you want a cool nickname? You know, like "Hammerin' Hank" or "The Big Hurt"? You know what the kids called me? "Pee Pee" Raymond. That's pretty clever, huh? "Pee Pee Raymond! Pee Pee Raymond!" That was me. Pee Pee Raymond. Yeah, that was a bad day. It was like I had a rain delay in my pants. So that's baseball. Oh, by the way, a couple of days later, Kevin Saganski is at the blackboard. He bends down to pick up some chalk, his pants split wide open. All of a sudden, I'm off the hook, you know? Pee Pee Raymond, it's old news now. The talk of the town? "Butt-Crack" Saganski.

Michael: The kids teased me.
Ray: What?
Michael: In my class, all the kids laughed at me.
Ray: The kids laughed at you? Why?
Michael: I went up to the teacher to ask her a question, and I accidentally said "Mommy."
Ray: You called the teacher "Mommy"? [Michael nods] Why? Was the teacher yelling? [Michael shakes his head]
Michael: Then I cried, and everybody called me "crybaby."
Ray: [sighs] I made you eat the fiber.

Marie: How come Michael doesn't want to go to school?
Ray: Nobody wants to go to school. He didn't do his homework.
Frank: Listen to me. You wanna know how to motivate a kid? You get him something he really loves, then take it away.
Debra: All right, Frank.
Frank: He likes trains, right? So you get him a nice, new, steam locomotive. Something that makes his face really light up. Then you get a hammer!
Debra: We're not gonna smash his trains.
Frank: Does he have a turtle?