Ray: Well, I gotta be honest. I didn't know what I was gonna say today. Uh... I wanted to do a nice toast, but everybody does a nice toast. I wanted it to be special, 'cause it's a special day for my brother Robert, and his new wife Amy. So, uh... I didn't know what I was gonna say. But then, sometimes, material presents itself. Like today, for example. A lot to talk about. But I think I can put a good spin on it. I think, uh I think there's one thing that can make it all better. Editing.
Yes, I think there's a portion of today's ceremony that we won't need to save on the videotape. Editing.
You know, Robert and I, when we remember our childhood, we kind of use that technology in our heads. We only remember the good stuff, like the food. We don't remember when Mom would yell at Dad not to scratch his rear end with a spatula... in the bakery. Editing.
Yeah, you know, anybody who knows our family probably wasn't surprised by what happened today. I mean, Amy knew what she was getting into when she married into this family, and that's why I got her a wedding gift I know she can use... cyanide. Yeah.
And by the way, Robert, if you think it was annoying today when Mom interrupted the ceremony, wait till she interrupts tonight, yeah. "I gotta say, Robert, I don't think you're doing that correctly." She's involved, our mom. I liked it today when my mom said, "I'm a mother, you are my business." You know what we're waiting for, Ma? Your going-out-of-business sale.
Well, I think Amy understands that that's what marriage is about. I mean, she's not only getting a husband, she's getting an entire mental hospital. My wife Deb likes that, right? That's my wife over there, the drunk one. I'm just playin'. She couldn't be drunk here unless she took out a loan for a whiskey sour.
I want to thank Amy's family Hank and Pat for throwin' a wonderful party. They really know how to throw one. Yeah. You know, if you wanted my mom to be speechless, you should've shown her the buffet before the ceremony. But I kid. I kid the MacDougalls.
We get along great with them, especially with Peter, who, by the way, ladies, is still single. Yeah. Still single. But you know, I'm sure there's somebody for him out there, and she'd better be really out there. Yeah. Yeah.
And, you know, one more thing about the editing I, uh I think you're gonna remember about today what you wanna remember. You know, I guess our brains are good like that. Like I remember my wedding day as the day that I got to kiss the most beautiful girl in the world. Yeah.
I think she remembers it. At least I hope she does. It was a good day. The start of a lot of good memories. We completely blotted out the part where Mom was hangin' onto my pants leg yellin', "Don't go! Don't go!" Yeah.
We didn't save those pictures. Just the good ones. Just the good ones. So here's to my brother Robert, and the best thing that ever happened to him... my new sister Amy. You'll keep the good ones.

Robert: Do you realize that you have ruined every single event I've ever had in my life?
Marie: What are you getting so upset about? We're just talking.
Robert: The elementary school play? You tried to put different pants on me.
Marie: You got yours dirty. Any mother would've done the same.
Robert: Not while I was on stage! Huh? You don't see a pattern here?!
Marie: A pattern of love. I mean, for years I kept thinking if only I had spoken up at your first wedding to that terrible dancer. And as I recall... [The reverend sits down] As I recall, you were fine with me interfering when you needed someone to throw that hussy out of the house. [to Amy] Not that that would ever happen here, dear. [to Robert] All I'm saying is I love you, and I love Amy, and I just want to make sure that you're marrying today for love, and only for love, because that's the only way a marriage can stay together. Isn't that right, Frank?
Frank: I don't know who you are, lady.
Marie: Robbie, I said what I had to say, and it came from love. Now you do what you want. This is your life. I feel better now. Go ahead, Reverend.

Marie: I'm just so worried that Robbie might only be getting married today because of me.
Robert: Ma, what are ya talkin' about?
Marie: I may have pressured you into getting married, and you weren't ready yet. And I need to do what's best for my son, don't I?
Robert: Could it not be today?
Marie: I'm sorry. You know I never like to interfere. But I pushed you because I was so worried that you'd wind up with nobody, and even though this is wonderful... [Ray sits down] and I'm thrilled to be here, and I love Amy - Hi, Amy - but it all happened so fast, I'm not sure how Amy's family feels about you.
Robert: Ma, this is none of your business.
Marie: How could you say that? Of course, it's my business. You're my son, you're my business.