Ray Quote #1047
Ray: Hey, hey, hey. Remember when you broke up with Amy?
Robert: Yeah, she got mad at me and then it was over.
Ray: Over for you! Because you left. I'm just now getting my hearing back!
Ray: Yes, yes. And then you bring a 22-year-old around. I'm going to be a lonely, deaf sex-beggar.
Robert: So you're serious? There's two Debras?
Ray: Yep. And neither one of them can cook.
Quote from Ray
Ray: Look, it's making my life hell, all right?
Robert: Making your life hell? How?
Ray: You dating a younger girl affects other people. Especially older people like the one I'm married to.
Robert: Debra's not old.
Ray: She is when Erica's in the room.
Robert: Yeah, but Debra seemed to like Erica and-
Ray: Yeah, yeah. She did, didn't she? She was pleasant, enjoyable to be around... Let me tell you something, Robert. There's two Debras. That's right. There's the Debra you see that doesn't have a problem with it. Then, when everybody leaves, there's the Debra that I see... Darth Debra.
Quote from Ray
Debra: That girl was less than half our age.
Robert: All right, all right. Enough with the numbers already. You're killing me!
Ray: Did she really think I was older than you?
Robert: Didn't bat an eye. All right, look. Let's just order, all right? Let's get the pizza with sausage and onions.
Ray: Onions? What time is it? Oh, no. I can't do onions after 8:00.
Robert: No, it's okay. I got the Tums.
Debra: Oh, Tums are good. They have calcium.
Ray: Hey, you know what I hear is good? The Pepcid's good.
Robert: Yeah, that's good. They have the fruit flavor, the chewable. You know, they have nighttime Mylanta now.
Ray: A nighttime Mylanta?
Debra: Really? Is it chalky?
Robert: No, tropical. Beautiful.
Ray: Can you believe this? I have to pee again.
Quote from Debra
Erica: See, that's why I like Robert. Because he doesn't have a problem with my age.
Debra: Yeah, Robert's terrific that way.
Erica: I hope he really is because you see, actually, I'm 19.
Debra: What?! Oh my God! This is insane!
Erica: What do you mean?
Debra: I mean, you're barely out of high school. You are out of high school, aren't you?!
Erica: Well, yeah, for over a year.
Debra: Oh, okay, all right. Sorry. It's just that- My God, you're a teenager!
Quote from Counseling
Debra: That's why I want to go to counseling. I don't think it's that you're just lazy. I think there's a deeper reason behind this, and if we could just figure it out, you and I could be happier.
Ray: Come on, you know me. There's not much deepness. I just... I like to be taken care of.
Debra: You gotta understand, Ray, that that's not a wife. That's a mother.
Ray: Well, maybe that's what I want!
Frank: Holy crap!
Quote from The Ingrate
Debra: You have to admit, you're not the most professorial kind of guy.
Ray: I can be exceedingly professorial.
Debra: No, I know. I was just remembering that time you read the word "stohma-cha-chuh."
Ray: What's your point?
Debra: You read "stohma-cha-chuh." And the word really is...
Debra: I am just teasing you.
Ray: Yeah, right.
Debra: No, come on. Kiss me again. For once, I don't have a "head-ah-cha-chuh."
Quote from The Plan
Robert: What do you want me to say? I need to do the wedding invitations. Amy wants me to do it, so I'm doing it. Come on, help me.
Ray: All right. Here's what you do: You- You write a version of the invitation, but you do a horrible job. Okay? She'll see it, do it herself, and never ask you to do anything else with this wedding. You're welcome.
Robert: But it's terrible, Raymond. I'm not gonna intentionally screw it up just to get out of the work.
Frank: Hey, dummy, listen to your stupid brother.
Ray: Look, look. When we got engaged, Debra put me in charge of the music. Okay. So I found a DJ. She wanted a band. So I found a band. She didn't like the band, so I found another band. Nope! The truth is, she wanted to do it, but she just got it in her head that I should be part of this whole wedding experience. So you know what I did? I sent over this guy who sang and played the accordion. He had a keyboard with violins and trumpets and drum noises. His name was "Zippers, the One-Man Wedding Band." Next thing you know, she tells me, "Never mind, she'll take care of the music." I sat down, turned on the TV and never looked back.
Frank: That's a beautiful story.