Debra: That's why I want to go to counseling. I don't think it's that you're just lazy. I think there's a deeper reason behind this, and if we could just figure it out, you and I could be happier.
Ray: Come on, you know me. There's not much deepness. I just... I like to be taken care of.
Debra: You gotta understand, Ray, that that's not a wife. That's a mother.
Ray: Well, maybe that's what I want!
Frank: Holy crap!

Marie: So that's how you both fell? A race around the house, which you often do as a tradition?
Ray: Uh, yeah.
Frank: Stupid, humped-up termite trap!
[Frank falls through the stairs into the basement]
Marie: Oh, my God! Frank, are you all right?
Frank: [o.s.] Holy crap!
Marie: Don't move, I'm coming right down!
Frank: [o.s.] I'm in enough pain!

Marie: Your birthday gift to me finally came this morning. Did you know you sent me a box of pears?
Ray: Yeah. Yeah.
Marie: From a place called Fruit-of-the-Month?
Ray: That's right. How are they?
Marie: Oh, they're very nice pears. But there are so many of them. There are over a dozen pears. What am I supposed to do with all those pears?
Ray: I think you're supposed to eat them, Ma.
Marie: Myself?
Ray: You and Dad and Robert.
Marie: How many pears can Robert eat? Look, I appreciate the thought, Raymond, but please, don't ever send us any more fruit again. Thanks.

Ray: It's a different fruit every month.
Marie: Every month?
Ray: Yes. Yes. That's why they call it Fruit-of-the-Month Club.
Marie: It's a club? Oh, my God! What do I do with all this fruit?
Ray: Well, most people like it, Ma! You share it. Share it with all your friends.
Marie: Which friends?
Ray: I don't know. Lee and Stan.
Marie: Lee and Stan buy their own fruit.
Ray: Well, give it to-
Marie: Oh, why did you do this to me?
Ray: My God!
Marie: I can't talk. There's too much fruit in the house!

Robert: When did he get this?
Marie: Oh, that's an award your brother got for his sports column.
Robert: Never ends for Raymond.
Marie: Oh, poor Robbie.
Robert: Everybody loves Raymond. I go to work, people shoot at me. Ray goes to work, people do the wave. Then he sits down, has a hot dog, doodles on a piece of paper and they give him a trophy.