‘Pat's Secret’
Season 9, Episode 15 - Aired May 9, 2005
After Robert discovers that Pat (Georgia Engel) secretly smokes, he gets in trouble for having a cigarette with her.
Quote from Robert
Amy: Hey.
Robert: Oh, sorry. I was just getting a drink of milk.
Amy: What's that smell?
Robert: Nothing. This is just a dream.
Amy: Were you smoking?
Robert: No. Shh. Go back to sleep. You're flying.
Quote from Debra
Robert: I don't smoke, all right? I did it one time and it was just so I could get closer to...
Debra: Who? Closer to who?
Robert: No one. Although she didn't exactly stick up for me.
Debra: She? Who's "she"? Marie?
Robert: No.
Debra: Amy?
Robert: No.
Debra: Not Pat. [off Robert's look] Pat? No!
Ray: Pat smokes?
Robert: I caught her outside last night, okay? But don't say anything. Nobody knows.
Debra: Wait, wait, wait. You were smoking with Pat, and you got in trouble, and she didn't say anything?
Quote from Debra
Debra: Hey, Pat. Kind of crazy over there today, huh?
Pat: Yes, but I think it'll blow over soon and then everything will be fine.
Debra: Yeah, I guess. It's too bad about Robert, though. He's such a good guy.
Ray: Yeah, well, it's none of our business, though, so we should probably... not talk.
Debra: I mean, he's just so sweet. And I know he would do anything to be closer to your family.
Pat: He told you I smoke, didn't he?
Debra: What? What? No. No!
Ray: You're a good actor. You're so believable.
Quote from Pat
Pat: I don't blame Robert. I put him in an awful position. But Hank and the kids can't find out I smoke. I can't imagine what Hank would do. He has a jar at school with a black lung in it.
Debra: You know, Pat, you have got to stand up for yourself. This is your life. You need to tell Hank how you feel.
Ray: Or you could do whatever you want in your own way, in your own house.
Pat: I know you're right, Debra.
Debra: So you'll talk to him?
Pat: Oh, good gravy, no.
Quote from Hank
Hank: And I also worry about offspring, Robert. Did you know that addiction can be an hereditary trait?
Marie: My grandchildren! [hits Robert]
Hank: Yes, Marie. And what kind of an example do you think you'll set for them, Robert?
Robert: Hopefully good to very good... mostly in that range.
Hank: Mm-hmm. The truth is, Amy, none of this surprises Mother and me. Sadly, we've come to expect this sort of thing.
Peter: He's a renegade cop. He plays by his own rules. Pshew!
Quote from Peter
Peter: You know, I realize that I'm not married, but I do secret things too.
Amy: We believe you, Petey. Eat your chips.
Peter: Like when I'm angry at my cat, Miss Puss, sometimes I'll sneak up behind her and bark like a dog. That's how I got this scar.
Quote from Robert
Robert: [Amy sniffs Robert's t-shirt] Will you will you stop smelling me?!
Amy: Wait! Hey! Tell me the truth! Do you smoke?!
Robert: Shh! People are sleeping and you're being very inconsiderate.
Marie: What's going on out here?
Robert: You see what you did? You woke up an old lady.