Robert: So you mind if I bum a ciggy?
Pat: You want a cigarette? But you don't smoke.
Robert: Oh, sure. As a cop, it helps to have a smoke every so often, 'cause I gotta tell you, I see a lot of sick things every day. You know, I once found a foot in a mailbox.
Pat: Oh, my.
Robert: Oh, yeah. Luckily, we caught the guy 'cause there was a return address. It's a cop joke.

Hank: Pat!
Pat: I thought since it wasn't a secret anymore... [puts her lighter away] Okay.

Amy: So, Mom, Dad, you guys will be sleeping in our room tonight.
Robert: Yes, I think you'll be very comfortable in our room. We have a great bed. You're really gonna enjoy it. Not "enjoy" enjoy. Sleep. Enjoyable sleep. 'cause that's all you'll be doing, I'm sure. Which is not to say you can't do what you want, 'cause you can. It's not like you'll be breaking any commandments.
Ray: It's like your mouth is falling down the stairs.

Amy: Robert was smoking.
Robert: I wasn't. I wasn't!
Amy: Smell him.
Marie: Come here. Come here. [sniffs] Oh, my God! [slaps Robert across the face]
Robert: Ow! What are you doing?!
Frank: Somebody'd better be dead or dying.
Marie: Smack him, Frank. [Frank slaps Robert's head]
Robert: Ow!
Frank: Can I go back to bed now?
Marie: Do you know what he's been doing? Smell him. [Frank bends down to sniff Robert's behind] No, not there! His shirt!

Ray: Hey, Puff the Magic Dragon.
Debra: Where's everybody else, Robert?
Robert: They'll be over soon. I just had to get out of there. Mom hasn't hit me this hard since I was 12 and she found me using her bra as a slingshot.

Debra: Yeah, what are you doing smoking?
Robert: I don't know.
Debra: It's so gross.
Robert: Okay.
Ray: What, do you think it makes you look hip, the smoking?
Robert: No.
Ray: It probably looks like Frankenstein blew a fuse.

Ray: Oh. Oh, you're not the smoker? I had so many more names for you: Smokey the Bear, H. R. Pufnstuf, Towering Inferno.

Hank: You know, Robert, we went to a great effort to try to get closer to you, but I can't see how that can happen with you behaving this way.
Ray: Pat's the one who smokes! [to Debra] Great. I've become you.
Hank: What exactly are you saying, Raymond?
Pat: Hank, Hank.
Hank: Pat, please, I'm defending your honor. I won't allow you to drag my family into the muck and mud anymore.
Pat: I smoke!
Amy: Mom?
Peter: Mama?

Hank: Don't be silly.
Pat: Robert found me smoking last night, and to be closer to me - to us - he pretended that he smoked, which was very sweet but a little misguided.
Amy: Oh, Robert.
Marie: So suddenly Pat's a hero. How about if I smoked the pot? Would you be closer to me then?

Debra: Who wants some lousy cake?
Ray: Yeah.
Hank: Sounds good to me. Why not?
Debra: All right, I'll be right back to light the candles.
Pat: Oh, I got it. [tries lighter] It must be out of fluid.
Hank: Here, I've got some matches. You know, if that cake really is lousy, we could just blow it up.