Ray: It's not that I don't love my mother and my father. It's just that it's very hard to honor them.
Priest: Oh, you're trying to put them in a home.
Ray: No, no, no. You see, the neighbors wanted to throw them out of the neighborhood and even though I was defending them, and the neighbors are okay now, I still feel guilty.
Priest: It doesn't sound like you did anything wrong.
Ray: Then how come I feel so lousy?
Priest: Maybe your guilt's coming from a deeper place.
Ray: What do you mean?
Priest: How do you feel about your parents?
Ray: What are you saying? Are you saying that maybe I feel this way because deep down I think the neighbors are right? That part of me wants to throw them out of the neighborhood, too? That they've been just driving me crazy my whole life? That's what you are saying isn't it?

Priest: I can understand why it bothers you. But it's quite normal to have thoughts about your parents dying.
Robert: Did I mention the part about the sandwiches?

Ray: Tommy, I've been trying to get you to come here for years just to try my sauce. It's the only thing I make really.
Tommy Lasorda: Yeah, I got a lot more time now. You know, this is my whole life lately. I go to friends' houses and taste their food. To me, it's more relaxing than managing.
Ray: Here you go. What do you think of that?
Tommy Lasorda: You made this sauce?
Ray: Yeah, it's my mother's recipe.
Tommy Lasorda: I gotta tell you it's a little bush league. Come on over here.
Ray: What are you talking about?
Tommy Lasorda: It needs more seasoning. Okay, put a little hot pepper in it. All right, now let me see you stir.
Ray: You know, I just stir-
Tommy Lasorda: Look at the way you're holding the spoon. Choke up on it a little. Okay, get your head down. All right, bend your knees follow through and give me some more stirring power and get your elbow up.
Ray: I thought you just wanted to relax.
Tommy Lasorda: Hey, keep your eye on the sauce. Rookies.

Debra: My God. Ray, what is that?
Ray: Oh no. It's coming from my parents' house. My father put in one of those new motion sensor lights.
Debra: God. It's like the mother ship is landing.
Ray: I told him not to make it so sensitive. A moth probably flew by. Let's see what's out there.
Debra: What do you see?
Ray: I think I saw my own retina.

Debra: Your father is driving me nuts Ray. Did you call him?
Ray: Nobody's answering. They're probably deaf by now. Why is he woodworking at 730 in the morning?
Debra: Because some genius gave him the Big Book of Hobbies.
Ray: I wanted to give him something to do so he'd stop coming here and annoying us.
Debra: Yeah, so now he's... [saw whirs] So now he's... [saw] Now he's... [saw] Good idea, Ray!

Robert: You had to give him the Big Book of Hobbies. I'm going upstairs to take a nap. [saw whirs] God, it's loud here too.
Debra: What did you do to your nose, Robert?
Robert: Dad's car alarm woke me up last night. I ran outside to turn it off, forgot we had an oak tree. [Ray laughs] Thank you very much, Raymond.
Ray: How is your nose my fault?
Robert: If Dad hadn't turned his garage into a workshop, he wouldn't have to park on the street. Then he wouldn't need an alarm that goes off whenever I blow my nose which, now thanks to you, involves blood. I'm a cop. I need my sleep.
Ray: Hey, I'm a working man too, you know.
Robert: Yeah, sports writer. Tough job. A lot of shootouts at the computer?
Debra: Did you talk to your mom, Robert?
Robert: Since Dad's in the garage all day, I'm the only one she has to talk to. At least the buzz saw has an off switch.

Ray: I don't want them over to the house.
Debra: You know what, Ray? I don't think it's such a bad idea. I mean you've got to admit your father's making a lot of noise and your mother is a bit of a meddler.
Ray: They're not so bad that we have to have a meeting. What are they gonna do? Come over with torches and pitchforks?

Marie: [enters] Look at what your father made. Oh, hi.
Frank: Isn't this a beauty? Ooh. Ooh. [chuckles] Whoops. Little porno party.
Ray: Come on outside show me where this goes. Put it up on the tree, Dad.
Frank: Who's the fat ass? [laughs]
Marie: Frank!
Frank: Holy crap. What the hell is going on here?
Ray: Nothing. We're just having a few laughs. Neighborhood bloopers.

Lilly: The truth is certain people around here have some complaints about you.
Frank: Which certain people?
Ray: Them.
Debra: Marie this is not what it looks like.
Marie: It looks like my son is plotting against us. And serving my cookies. You're serving my cookies at your rally?
Frank: You took sides against the family?!
Ray: Dad, I was defending you.
Frank: Against the family!

Ray: Debra. Debra. Debra.
Debra: [wakes up] What is the matter?
Ray: I can't sleep.
Debra: Why not?
Ray: My dad's car alarm.
Debra: It's not going off.
Ray: Exactly. I can't stand it. It's just too quiet over there.
Debra: Maybe I can help you, Ray. [imitates car alarm]