Ray: Okay, all right. Mom can cook, and she can lift a door, but she cannot reproduce the finest music of the 20th century with crystal-clear digital quality.
Marie: Actually, I have been told that I have a marvelous singing voice.

Ray: Open!
Frank: Come on, Marie. I'm starving.
Ray: No, wait, Dad. I'm getting it now.
Marie: When you're finished, shut off the lights, Raymond.
Ray: I'm getting it. It's almost open! Will you stop it? Stop! You're gonna hear it in a few seconds. Will you stop it? All right, forget it! Forget it! Forget Forget it! I want nothin' to do with either of ya!

Ray: I hope none of these are for him. He's just gonna put 'em in the basement or trade 'em in for a buggy whip and wooden teeth.
Debra: Ray, you know your father. He hates anything new.
Ray: Yes, but if he would just listen to the CDs and hear how great they sound, I know he would love them!
Debra: No, Ray, he wouldn't.
Ray: Yes, he would.
Debra: Ray, come here.
Ray: I can't stand him!
Debra: Sit down.
Ray: Why can't he just-
Debra: Sit down!
Ray: I'm all clenchy.

Debra: Let's remember. This doesn't have to be your problem. Anytime your father brings up those jazz records, don't let yourself get sucked in. That's what he wants. You don't wanna be as bad as him, do you? Don't respond. You're better than him.
Ray: Damn straight.
Debra: Yeah. Let him be mad. Let him hold on to it. It's not your problem. This is his problem. You can move on.
Ray: You know what I'm gonna do?
Debra: What?
Ray: I'm gonna sneak in and set up the CD player.
Debra: Ray, you weren't even listening.
Ray: Yes. When they go out tonight, I'm goin' in! That old man, he's gonna hear how great CDs are, that they're better than records, and that will shut him up once and for all. Yes! [kisses Debra] Thanks for your help.

Robert: I think I might be able to help. I was gonna give this to you tomorrow, Dad, but you might want to see it now. Here you go, Pop. From me to you. Merry Christmas.
Frank: These are my records.
Amy: Not all of them. But Robert and I went to some garage sales and used record stores this weekend.
Robert: And I think we came across some of your favorites.
Frank: Ben Webster meets Oscar Peterson. I haven't heard this album in 30 years. [sniffs] Ah! Genuine American vinyl.

Ray: Look. Look, Dad. Got the same exact thing. See, Ben meets Oscar here, too. Okay, it's the same thing. Listen to this.
Debra: Ray, you gotta let it go.
Robert: Yeah. What are you doin', man?
Ray: Oh. Oh, yeah, yeah. You would like nothing better than to have me suffer for 30 years, and then you just swoop in and be the hero. Yeah, well, nice try, egg-ass. All right? I was the one who ruined the jazz records. I'll be the one to replace them.

Ray: You moved his records! Unbelievable! You let me suffer for 30 years.
Robert: Yes.
Frank: [laughs] You two are so screwed up.
Robert: I'm sorry, Raymond. I'm sorry, Dad.
Frank: Aw, it's okay.
Ray: "It's okay"?! Now it's okay?!
Robert: Oh, will you give it up already? It was 30 years ago.
Ray: Oh, why don't you dip your pants in cinnamon and make us some French toast?
Robert: Why don't you dip your pants-
Ray: That doesn't make any sense!

Debra: Okay, this is to Daddy from Michael and Geoffrey.
Ray: Oh! Thank you. Hey! What is it?
Michael: It's a new dictionary.
Ray: Oh. Isn't that sweet?
Debra: They felt bad about ruining your old one.
Geoffrey: It's electronic.
Frank: Heh-heh-heh. "It's better."
Ray: [to the twins] And I love it. But not more than I love you.