‘Jazz Records’
Season 8, Episode 10 - Aired December 15, 2003
Ray tries to make up for the ruining Frank's jazz records as a kid by buying him CDs of his favorite albums.
Quote from Ray
Marie: Look at all those wires. You know what loves wires? Dust.
Frank: Don't touch my tools.
Ray: I don't need tools, Dad.
Marie: Look how complicated it looks.
Ray: Ma, it's simple. You just plug it in.
Frank: Yeah, I can see the electric company rubbin' their mitts together right now.
Ray: Dad, it only uses a little power, and it's easy to use. You just push that button, you open up the tray, you grab a CD, and you pop it in. Voila! Just gotta- You take the wrapping off put the thing in. [Marie walks away] All right. A little, uh...
Marie: [holding electric knife] Raymond, maybe you could use this.
Ray: I don't need that, Ma.
Frank: Maybe you could use a blowtorch.
Quote from Debra
Ray: He's- He's unbelievable! You know, I try to do something nice. I- I try to make things right.
Debra: Uh... Ray? [removes the bra stuck to Ray's shirts] What happened over there?
Ray: This is my mother's. You wanna know what happened? Nothing happened. He wouldn't listen to the CDs because they're not records. Ew!
Debra: All right. Calm down.
Ray: Listen, you gotta get rid of that.
Debra: Okay, I'll wrap it. I need a stocking stuffer for your mother anyway. At least I know she'll like it.
Quote from Ray
Debra: What are you doing?
Ray: I'm waiting for my parents. When they come home, I'm gonna play the CD. They're out doin' their last-minute, Christmas Eve, save-a-dollar-on-tinsel shopping.
Quote from Frank
Frank: Holy crap!
Ray: Too loud. I'm sorry.
Debra: Turn it down!
Ray: I'm trying. You're blockin' the laser beam thing. See, with a CD, you can turn it loud, no distortion.
Marie: Oh, my heart. Oh, my eggs.
Frank: What are you tryin' to do to us?
Marie: Oh, that was awful, Raymond.
Frank: Yes, and these ornaments were on sale.
Ray: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I wanted to give you the opportunity to hear your jazz records Iike you've never heard 'em before.
Frank: Yeah, that's like I've never heard 'em before. I didn't realize it was gonna be the soundtrack to my funeral.
Quote from Robert
Robert: Ho ho ho!
Debra: Watch out, watch out, watch out!
Robert: What am I sittin' in?
Marie: Eggs... and eggnog.
Robert: And what is very sharp?
Frank: That might be the menorah.
Robert: Menorah?
Frank: It was a big sale.
Quote from Frank
Amy: What happened here?
Marie: Oh, it was Raymond's horrible machine.
Ray: It's not a horrible machine, Mom. It's a CD player. Please, let me just play you one song.
Marie: Oh, God, no! He's gonna turn it on again!
Frank: I don't wanna hear any CDs. It's bad enough you ruined my records, you ruined my floor, my ornaments, and my cook!
Ray: Look, please, just listen to it.
Frank: No!
Ray: But listen!
Frank: No!
Quote from Ray
Ray: Huh? Listen to that sound. It's like Oscar Peterson is sittin' right here at the piano. Play it, Oscar. Play it, you swingin' jazz cat. [Frank turns the CD player off] What are you doin'?
Frank: I want to hear my jazz records.
Ray: You just can't give it to me, can ya? Those CDs, they sound great, and you know it, but you can't give it up. You just gotta keep torturin' me.
Frank: I loved those damn albums. I was hoping someday you might love them too instead of your hippie jungle crap.
Marie: Those Beatles were awful, Raymond.
Ray: I know, Dad. I know you loved 'em. That's all I ever heard. "Shut up, kids! I'm listenin' to my records!"
Frank: Then why the hell did you ruin 'em?
Ray: I don't remember. I was 10! Why do you keep taking this out on me?
Frank: 'Cause you did it!
Ray: Well, I didn't do it on purpose!
Frank: I'm not so sure!
Quote from Frank
Ray: Great. So what am I supposed to do with my CDs now?
Frank: You take them, you listen to them, you might like them. You should try to keep an open mind about things.
Quote from Marie
Amy: Oh, look, Marie. There's one more thing left in your stocking.
Marie: Thank you, dear. "To Marie from Debra." [unwraps bra] Oh! Thank you, Debra.
Debra: You like it?
Marie: Well, to be honest, it's not a style I'd ever wear. Nice try, though.
Quote from Frank
Ray: Look, I got you a gift, okay? I didn't want to wait till Christmas to give it to you, so here.
Frank: What the hell are these?
Ray: Your jazz records.
Frank: These aren't my records.
Ray: Yeah, they're better than records. They're CDs of your old records. Where's your CD player?
Frank: I don't have a CD player.
Ray: No, you do. A couple of years ago Debra and I got you a portable one.
Frank: Oh, yeah. [smiles] It's probably in the basement.
Ray: Okay. Good. Wait here. I'm gonna get it.
Frank: Your mother's down there doing laundry. Tell her break time is over. I'm starving!