Aunt Alda: I'm sorry, Marie. It was my fault.
Marie: Seven years. All that time wasted. So much has happened.
Debra: Oh, my God, they made up?
Ray: Yeah.
Debra: You did this?
Ray: I can do things.
Aunt Alda: I had menopause.
Marie: Me, too.
Debra: First the beautiful speech. Now this? Ray, I am completely turned on.
Ray: Oh, sure. At a funeral.

Debra: Hey, you know what I think is really sexy?
Ray: What?
Debra: A man who does the dishes.
Ray: No, does nothing for me. You know what does it for me? A woman who does the dishes with another woman.

Debra: That's my laundry marker. Honey, have you been drawing on the walls again?
Ally: No, I drew on Geoffrey.
Ray: You drew on Geoffrey?
Ally: He asked me to.
Debra: [holding Geoffrey] Oh, my God. It's bad news for Europe, Ray.
Ray: Just relax, I'll take care of it. [wiping Geoffrey's mouth] It's coming off. It's not coming off.

Ray: I can't do it, I can't. Get somebody else to do it.
Frank: No. Old Gus wanted you. It was in his will.
Ray: I can't do it. I can't talk in front of people. Even talking to you is hard enough. No, please. Let Robert do it. Robert can do the eulogy.
Robert: [laying out nuts] Peanut, almond, cashew. Peanut, almond, cashew.
Debra: I think you're doing the eulogy, Ray. [Frank nods]

Marie: [enters] Oh, this is terrible. It's awful. I just found out that my sister is coming to the funeral.
Debra: Aunt Alda's coming all the way from Canada?
Marie: Uh-huh.
Ray: Oh, that's great if you like Aunt Alda. Who does?
Marie: Go ahead, have your fun. That woman broke my heart.
Frank: Not this again.
Marie: She never even sent Raymond a wedding present.
Ray: Well, that's 'cause she was upset 'cause you put her at a bad table at the reception.
Debra: Aunt Alda did kind of ruin the wedding.
Frank: It was seven years ago, and you're still not talking. I hate this story.
Marie: What am I supposed to do, huh? Our cousin Teresa has cataracts, so she's got to sit up front. Then she shows up with her daughter, Stacy, the 300-pound nutritionist. That's another two seats.

Frank: Can Hitler have a juice box?
Debra: Yeah, I'll get it.

Ray: Gus. Gus. Gus. Gus. Gus...
Debra: Hi, how's the eulogy going?
Ray: Oh, I wish I were Gus. I can't do it. You know, you should do this. No, you were in PR. You are good at bull... PR.

Ray: Is this Gus?
Marie: Yeah.
Ray: He's good looking. Guys can say that now.

Marie: Do you know what Alda used to do to me? She'd read my diary. She'd put my dolls in odd poses. She'd wear my clothes. She'd steal my boyfriends.
Ray: Yeah? What kind of poses?
Marie: Do you know what it's like to grow up with someone who's bossy, demanding, and unreasonable?
Ray: No. No.
Marie: What's that supposed to mean?
Ray: That's a joke, Ma. I'm making a joke.
Marie: Yeah, very funny stuff.

Marie: I thought you understood.
Ray: Well, Ma, I'm trying. Look, you're sisters. Family should talk.
Marie: Like you and Robert?
Ray: We talk. A lot of that just goes unspoken.