‘Humm Vac’
Season 5, Episode 18 - Aired March 19, 2001
Ray buys a new vacuum cleaner from a door-to-door saleswoman.
Quote from Ray
Carol: I spoke to your wife last night about coming by to demonstrate our system.
Ray: Oh, right. Yeah, the vacuum. I thought she said we didn't need a new vacuum cleaner. Yeah, she did. I remember, because it was right before she told me I have to go pick up something from somewhere. Oh. You didn't happen to catch any of that, did you?
Carol: Sorry. Yeah, so when we spoke last night, things did seem pretty hectic. So, since I happened to be in the neighborhood, I wondered if now might be a good time to come show you how wonderful the Humm Vac is. And to offer you this complimentary lint brush.
Ray: Yeah, I don't know. My wife says I'm really not supposed-
Robert: Come on, Ray, it's complimentary.
Quote from Robert
Ray: It's too bad my wife isn't here. She's really the vacuumer.
Carol: Well, all I know is if I were married and my husband missed out on a chance to make my life 50-75% easier, well, I might be a little annoyed.
Robert: So, there's no Mr. Humm Vac? Pretzel?
Quote from Ray
Debra: You are such a sucker.
Ray: A sucker for a great product! You her that? You hear that hum? That's a fully-insulated, four horsepower motor. That, madame, is the sound of clean! "Is it versatile?" you ask. Check this out. I did this whole section in 30 seconds. Crevice attachment, boom! Done!
Warren: All right, look, that's very nice.
Ray: Wait a minute! Watch this. You're not gonna believe this. These pillows seem clean enough to the naked eye! In a regular vacuum, there's not enough suction power to pick up all the dirt that the beater bar kicks up.
Debra: Ray, turn it off. I vacuumed there yesterday.
Ray: You could have vacuumed five times yesterday with your old vacuum.
Quote from Ray
Debra: That is pretty amazing.
Ray: Yeah. Now, I'll show you how to do the drapes.
Debra: You're gonna do the drapes?!
Ray: No, no, silly, the Humm Vac's gonna do the drapes. I'm just gonna take the credit.
Debra: I have never been more attracted to you in my entire life.
Ray: Wanna try?
Debra: Okay.
Ray: Your first time. I envy you.
Quote from Debra
Frank: Hey! What's with all the yelling?
Marie: I don't think Debra could find any dirt.
Debra: Okay, all right, there's no dirt here, you win! But I am sick of you making me feel like a bad person because I don't keep my house exactly the way you do! A clean house is not the most important thing in the world.
Marie: [to Frank] You know who says that? A messy person.
Debra: All right. As hard as this is for you to believe, Marie, I do like to keep a neat house. I'm just not going to spend every spare minute cleaning it!
Marie: There are no spare minutes. You have a family to care for. That's what you do.
Debra: Yes, I do! I care for my family. I spend my time enjoying them, not sterilizing them.
Quote from Ray
Debra: Oh, come on, Ray! You make jokes about those slipcovers all the time.
Marie: You joke about my slipcovers?
Ray: No way. No, that's not my style.
Debra: What did you just say about the plastic and the powder room and the guest towels?
Marie: Tell me, Raymond.
Ray: Just, you know, it's like, there's the china that we never use and there's towels that we never touch. It's like you're saving everything for a special occasion that hasn't happened yet. It's not even a joke. It's more like a humorous observation.
Frank: He's right. What are those little towels with the gold fringe for? For when the Pope comes over here to use the downstairs can?
Marie: Be quiet.
Frank: I'm using 'em.
Marie: No, you're not! Are you happy now, Raymond?
Quote from Ray
Marie: [to Robert] Put them back on.
Ray: Yeah, and check the expiration date on your feet.
Quote from Marie
Robert: What are you doing?
Marie: Everyone wants me to change, I can change. I'm taking the covers off.
Robert: Wh- Where are we gonna sit?
Marie: You can sit right here on the couch 'cause I don't care about these things anymore. I'm nothing if I'm not flexible.
Frank: What are you saying, Marie? We can sit on the couch?
Marie: Be my guest, Frank. Go ahead.
Robert: So, we can really sit there? On the actual couch?
Marie: Go ahead, enjoy.
Quote from Frank
Marie: You see, Debra? I can change. I can let go. It's nice fabric, isn't it?
Ray: It's very nice.
Robert: I feel a little naughty.
Frank: Can't wait till summer.
Quote from Marie
Robert: We're putting the plastic back on!
Debra: No! No! What are you doing?
Ray: Look, you don't understand!
Marie: Oh, you can put the cover back if you want. Do whatever makes you happy. My family comes first. You might want to take those cushions outside and shake them out first. I'll show you how.