Ray: You know what might be the fairer thing to, like, even the trade out, maybe Ally could could give your son just a couple cards for that Scrabby-something, whatever that thing whatever they call it.
Bill Parker: I don't know. They have the weirdest names.
Ray: Yeah, that Hackidu. I think that's Korean for "stupid Americans," huh?

Ray: Okay, listen, you know, if you want to know the truth, my mother has this connection with the kid and that card. And my mother kind of wants to give it to her 'cause you know, she's old. So you know what? Why don't I just give you a couple bucks and you can get a couple more cards for your son? And I can tell Ally that my mother gave it to her, and we make the old lady happy.
Bill Parker: You wanna buy it?
Ray: Yeah, I'll buy it. Just be done with it. Who cares? Whatever. So what do you think, like three bucks?
Bill Parker: I was thinking more like 100.
Ray: You knew! You knew. You knew, didn't you, Parker? You knew all along.
Bill Parker: Yeah, like you didn't. Telling me sad stories about your mother. Everyone knows you hate your mother.
Ray: That's my Scramisaur.
Bill Parker: No, it's my Scramisaur.
Ray: You ripped me off.
Bill Parker: A deal's a deal. No givesies-backsies.
Ray: No, you givesy-backsy first.
Bill Parker: Tough noogies, Barone.
Ray: It isn't tough noogies. Wait till I tell my wife the guy she thinks is better than me is not! There's your king. There's your king. Long live the king, right? Taking advantage of a little girl. That's who you're working for. Don't- Quit. Don't work. Come on. Come on. He's taking advantage of all of you. He looks nice. He's the iceman. That's who he is. Come on, everybody. Come on. Come on. Let's go!

Ally: Daddy, did you get my Scramisaur back?R
Ray: Well, here's the thing, honey. It turns out that Mommy's hero Mr. Parker is a big stinkin'-
Debra: Ray!
Ray: No, I couldn't get the cards back, Ally. I tried.
Ally: Oh.
Ray: Yeah, I even went to a lot of stores. They don't have Hackidu cards. But I did get you this. Huh? It's a troll on a pencil. Hey hey whoa! Somebody needs their hair combed.
Ally: Thank you.
Robert: You gotta hand it to little Ally. She didn't cry. She just looked betrayed.

Ray: Why'd you get 'em hooked on the cards anyway?
Debra: Me? You're the one that had 'em watch the TV show. That leads to the cards.
Ray: I didn't know that was the show. I was just turning the TV on to keep 'em quiet.
Debra: Well, why don't you read 'em a book?
Ray: Oh, reading, that's your answer for everything.
Debra: Do you even know how to read?

Robert: It's Amy's brother Russell. He owns a comic book shop. He's got cards there.
Ray: "Russell's Vintage Comics."
Robert: Yeah, he's a good guy. If anyone has Scramisaur, he does.
Ray: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. This is in Hohokus, New Jersey, all right? I'm not going all the way out to freakin' Hohokus. Come on. It's an hour and a half! Some of that's still Indian territory.
Debra: Ray, you-
Ray: No, look, I'm sorry Ally's upset, but I'll talk to her, all right? I'm putting an end to this card baloney. $65, come on.
Robert: [sings] Buy 'em, buy 'em, Hackidu.
Ray: Yeah, okay, knock it off, upper-thigh-hole.

Russell: Let me tell you about your brother. My little sister put two childbearing years into Gigantor. Then he dumps her without so much as a smack-me-bum.
Ray: I don't really know what you mean, but I think Amy was the one who broke up with Robert without the smack-your-bum.
Russell: Can you blame her? I mean, the guy's got no backbone. He can't commit to anything. What kind of person's that?
Ray: Well, you know, Robert and I, we're really not that close.

Ray: Listen to me, please, I just drove two hours in the rain and the traffic, and my back is all sore, and the only thing I had to eat was Cheerios on the seat of the car.
Russell: Your brother was very lucky to have Amy. She's very supportive.
Ray: Yeah, all right.
Russell: She's the one who said, "Open your comic book store" when the rest of the family was saying "Up your medication."
Ray: Look, l- l- I love Amy, believe me.
Russell: Your brother needs help. If he could just learn to love himself. He needs to learn to love himself.
Ray: Well, you're right. You're right. I mean, that's the greatest love of all, right?
Russell: Amy should be with you.
Ray: Hey, don't think I haven't thought of that, you know.

Ray: You know? Listen, um, okay, I need a certain type of Hackidu card.
Russell: No, you don't.
Ray: What? Yes, yes, I do. My daughter needs a Scramisaur.
Russell: Let me tell you about Hackidu. It's evil.
Ray: Oh, God.
Russell: It's got no substance, no truth. It's like junk food for the mind. It's kiddie crack.
Ray: Okay, it's kiddie crack. Well, I need $65 worth of it.

Ray: Listen, Russell. Do you have a daughter?
Russell: I have a snake.
Ray: All right, well then, you know what I'm talking about. I agree with you Russell. Look, I hate this Hackidu thing. And I hated the last thing. And you know what? I'm gonna hate the next thing too, but when your daughter or your reptile looks up at you with those eyes, how are you gonna say no?
Russell: Have you even given comic books a chance?
Ray: Do you have a Scramisaur?
Russell: I might.
Ray: All right, I'm buying some comic books.
Russell: There you go. You see, kids have such wonderful open minds. They need to be shown...
Ray: Yeah, okay, all right, I'll take these right here.
Russell: Ooh, some excellent choices. This one's a classic. You know your daughter is gonna love-
Ray: Where's the Scramisaur?
Russell: Here you are, my friend. Mint condition, no creases.
Ray: Thank you.
Russell: Uh-uh-uh! Let's have a little smile. That's what it's all about, man. Your total is $289.50.

Ally: Hi, Daddy.
Ray: Got you something.
Ally: Scramisaur! Thank you, Daddy.
Robert: How about that, Raymond, huh? A little girl's smile, you can't put a price on that.
Ray: How about $289.50?