‘Grandpa Steals’
Season 7, Episode 12 - Aired January 6, 2003
Frank gets into an argument with the produce guy when he visits the supermarket with Ray and Ally.
Quote from Frank
Ray: Uh, all right, just, you know, start kind of easy. Say something nice or start with a joke. You know, and then just say what you want to to the girl.
Frank: What joke do I tell?
Ray: I don't know. Okay. What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
Frank: What?
Ray: You're too young to smoke.
Frank: That's terrible.
Ray: It's a kids' joke.
Frank: I'm not doing that joke.
Quote from Frank
Frank: Hey, kids. What, are you playing here? Hey, come on, boys, go inside. Your dad's got candy and chocolate fudgey balls for you. Go on inside. Hey, Ally, can I talk to you for a second?
Ally: Okay.
Frank: Can we, uh, sit somewhere?
[Frank sits down on the plastic table, which partially gives under his weight]
Frank: Okay, uh so, Ally, what did the Mexican fire chief name his two sons? Jose and Hose "B." That was one of your father's jokes.
Quote from Frank
Ray: We're gonna go. Dad, let's go look at some meat.
Frank: Yeah, let's get out of here.
Jimmy: You got problems, pal.
Frank: Hey, I'm a veteran!
Ray: Okay, Dad, okay!
Frank: Look at him! You're telling me he's never done any sampling?!
Ray: Come on, Dad!
Jimmy: [to himself] I'm going back to teaching.
Quote from Ray
Debra: Hey, it's not funny, it's not funny. Why can't he behave himself?
Ray: Why can't a dog play the trumpet?
Quote from Frank
Frank: No, the guy who works in the fruit department, the fat one.
Marie: Jimmy? Ooh, I love him. He's the one who gets me the good peaches. What were you stealing?
Frank: Nothing. I just took a little of the snacking mix out of the thing.
Marie: Oh, well, that's not stealing.
Robert: Technically, Mom, it is theft. Petty theft. Unless you ate more than $100's worth. Did you?
Frank: No, I didn't, Officer Doofus. Besides, I paid for it.
Ray: You threw a quarter at the guy.
Frank: Tossed.
Quote from Frank
Frank: What was that about? All of a sudden I have the plague? [stands up] What did you say to her?
Ray: I didn't say a word. Want some candy?
Frank: If you didn't say anything, then you did. You badmouthed me, didn't you?
Debra: I did not. We told you, Ally had some strong feelings about what happened.
Frank: Well, what a coincidence. She just happens to be feeling the same thing that you two were thinking.
Debra: Maybe it was what her grandfather was doing.
Frank: Turning a kid against her grandpa real classy! [exits]
Ray: Couldn't mind your own business?
Marie: That's something to work on, Debra.
Quote from Frank
Frank: Listen, I was thinking maybe I should have a talk with her.
Ray: Oh, yeah?
Frank: Yeah. I, uh... I want to have a talk with her.
Ray: Okay, all right, so-so have a talk with her.
Frank: No big deal or anything. What do I say to her?
Ray: What?
Frank: What do I say to her? I've never talked to her.
Ray: I think I've seen you talk to her.
Frank: No. I've read her stories, I've stolen her nose, I've told her, "Hey, get down from there!" But I've never talked to her. What do I do?
Quote from Frank
Frank: So, uh, listen, Ally, I, uh... I understand you were mad or something about what happened at the supermarket. But what you don't understand is...
Ally: You took that stuff, and then you yelled at that man. It was scary.
Frank: Hey, listen... [Frank drops down the bench] You don't ever need to be scared of me. You see, what I did was take a little sample. And that's not stealing. In fact, they call it "sampling."
Ally: But the sign said "no sampling."
Frank: Oh, you're reading now. I'm proud of you. That's good. But, see, I think the sign is wrong. I think they should allow people to sample because that way, if you try it, you might want to buy it. But I could never get to that because of that jack... man.
Ally: You were yelling at him.
Frank: Oh, listen, Ally, people get mad at people sometimes. You get mad at people sometimes, like your little brothers there. They must be annoying as hell, am I right? So, anyway, I mean, when they really bother you, you yell at them just the way I yelled at the fruit guy. You know? But just because you yell at somebody, it doesn't mean you're a bad person. Does it? [Ally shakes her head] Right.
Ally: But if I do that, then I have to apologize to them.
Frank: Not all of the time.
Ally: Yeah, all the time.
Frank: Hey, you know what? I got your nose. But that's not stealing, it's only borrowing because I'm giving it back. [Ally is silent] I used to get a big laugh. You're too smart for that now. Hey, you know what? I'll see you later. [stands up] I'm not so scary, am I?
Ally: Not more than Grandma.
Quote from Frank
Frank: [clears throat] Uh, excuse me. I don't know if you remember me. I was in here, uh, let's see, uh... This morning.
Jimmy: Yeah. What do you want to do now? Put a turkey down your pants?
Frank: [chuckles] No. No, I just want to straighten out a little misunderstanding about the trail mix there.
Jimmy: Yeah, big misunderstanding. Look, I'm a little busy, all right?
Frank: Listen, Jim, I'm just trying to straighten this out, all right?
Jimmy: There's nothing to straighten out. You took some trail mix 'cause you're too cheap to pay for it, and I caught you. I think we're straight.
Frank: [Frank looks back at Ally] I just want to say we're both guys, all right? And whatever happened this morning was a little misunderstanding, and I'm sorry.
Jimmy: Yeah, I'm sorry, too. I'm sorry that jerks like you come into my section and take your dirty hands and put it into the food and take whatever you want. And then when I try and do my job, you scream and yell like some red-faced maniac. You want to do me a favor? Go steal from the A&P!
[Frank picks up a tomato, holds it in his hand and flexes his arm. After he turns around and puts the tomato back, Ally comes over and takes his hand]
Ray: Good job, Dad.
[As Frank walks by the oranges, he knocks one down starting an avalanche of oranges which falls by Ray's side. Ray takes a quick look at Jimmy and then runs away]
Quote from Ray
Ally: Why do we have to go shopping?
Ray: It's just a couple of things, all right? Come on, stop whining.
Frank: I want to go home!
Ray: What did I say?
Frank: This is boring.
Ray: Look, just be good, and we'll stop by the rum department, all right?
Ray: Go get us a thing of broccoli, Ally.
Ally: I hate broccoli.
Ray: Hey, your mom makes the list, okay? If it was up to me, it'd be all marshmallows. Go. Let's get some marshmallows.