Debra: I made it for the auction.
Ray: What auction?
Debra: The auction, Ray. You know, it's all I've been talking about for the past month. I'm on the organizing committee, the auction for Ally's school for the playground equipment. The auction!
Ray: I know, I remember. The auction, you're on the committee for the playground equipment. That's all you've been talking about. I listen to you.

Ray: Okay. Here we go, we're gonna start with the... with the jewelry box... where you, uh...
Debra: Put your jewelry.
Ray: Put your jewelry right in that. And we'll start the bidding at, what?
Debra: 20.
Ray: Dollars?
Debra: Yeah, $20.
Ray: $20. Who's gonna bid $20 for this fine piece of craftsmanship, finely crafted by a fine craftsman who I happen to sleep with?

Ray: Do I hear $3 for this finely, finely crafted pile of rubble almost? Who's got a bag? If you've got a bag, you can have it. [Robert raises his hand] Oh, mercy bid, right there. Thank you. Thank you, Officer Barone. You can lock up your tiny little prisoners in there, although I think it's gonna be easy for them to get out. Everything my wife touches falls off, so you can guess how scared I am.

Ray: Hey, puddlepants. Now, give Gumby some Pokey. [kisses Debra] Whoa! I don't wanna say that was cold, but if your mouth opened a little light would come on.
Debra: I'm just not really in the mood, okay?
Ray: Come on. What, not in the mood? Tonight was great. The kids got the new playground and I got the golf thing, you got to go home with the auctioneer. So who's in the mood? Do I hear in the mood?
Debra: Aren't you afraid if I touch it, it'll fall off?
Ray: That was a good joke, wasn't it? People asked me if I'd planned that, and I said, "No, I just came up with it like that."
Debra: You're a brilliant farceur.

Ray: Come on, what do you- Don't be such a bad sport.
Debra: What if you were me? What would you do?
Ray: I would laugh at all my husband's jokes, strip off my clothes, have my way with him and then put on TV.
Debra: Keep dreaming.
Ray: I would- I'd be so naughty. I might even talk dirty, oh!

Ray: Wait a minute. You shook this, didn't you?
Debra: What? No.
Ray: Come on. Soda for breakfast. You want this to explode in my face.
Debra: Why would I want that?
Ray: Uh, we all know why. Huh? Soda in my face, Bengay in my shorts, Ex-Lax in the brownies. I went to camp.
Debra: I'm not gonna get you, Ray.
Ray: How about the grapefruit?
Debra: What, you think I rigged a grapefruit to squirt in your eye?
Ray: Doesn't really sound like a denial.
Debra: I'm telling you, I'm not-
Ray: I know you're telling me you're not, so I will think you'll not. But I am not that big an idiot.

Ray: How about I'll give it to Ally.
Debra: I don't want her having soda for breakfast.
Ray: Just to open it for me.
Debra: Okay, go. Fine.
Ray: Yeah, you would do that? You would let it explode in your own daughter's face, your own flesh and blood.
Debra: Go ahead. Go ahead.
Ray: What kind of mother are you?
Debra: The kind of mother who's gonna be awarded custody when they take you to the booby hatch.

Debra: Ray, you gonna drink this or what?
Ray: Okay. You got your audience now, right? Everybody's here, I open the... Yeah, big laugh on Raymond. [Frank grabs the can] Dad, Dad, no! [Frank opens the can without incident]
Frank: What's your problem?
Debra: See, I told you.
Ray: Yeah, you did. Of course. Of course, why would you settle for soda? That's not satisfying. You see me spill soda on myself every day. It's gonna be much bigger than soda, isn't it? My car, my job, my most intimate of areas. I'm watching you. I'm watch- [bumps into the wall]

Ray: That's right, beautiful mind. 'Cause it takes a beautiful mind to come up with not canceling the golf outing, but telling you that I did just to get you to spill your guts. Okay? You're not the only clever one. You zig, I zag.
Debra: You canceled it, didn't you?
Ray: Yes!

Marie: You see, Frank? No mosquitoes. [climbs into the canoe] Oh, this is lovely. I'm so glad we won this. You're always against anything good. Anything I might like. It costs too much money. [Frank unties the rope] Just have to-- why can't you just enjoy life? [Frank kicks the canoe out] Oh, here we go! Frank! Frank! Frank! What are you doing? I don't have the paddles! Frank! Oh, Frank!