Ray: What did I do? I can't have Debra think I didn't care enough about her to go to a real jeweler. She's wearing glass!
Robert: It's not glass. It's glassette.
Ray: I gotta do what's right. I gotta replace her stone with another one. A real one. I'll spend $1,000 if I have to, that's all, $2,000.
Frank: $2,000 for a diamond? Hey, I know another guy...
Ray: No more guys.
Robert: You're just gonna have to tell your wife you purchased her a discount engagement ring from a crook.
Ray: I can't let her find out. She's going to think I'm a slimeball. I'll have to steal it from her.

Robert: Well, I've been out with Amy on four dates now. Am I obligated to get her something for Valentine's Day?
Debra: Well, if it helps you, she's getting you something.
Robert: That doesn't help me.
Debra: No.
Robert: You know what her favorite color is?
Debra: Uh, it's green, I think.
Robert: Green? Good. What does she weigh?
Debra: Uh, I don't know. But you know what? Most women like jewelry.
Robert: Yeah, jewelry's a great gift. Isn't it, Raymond?
Debra: Yeah, you really can't go wrong with jewelry.

Ray: Hi. Want to play Baker in the Mineshaft?
Debra: Okay. But I get to be the baker this time.

Robert: Hope you like it.
Amy: Oh, my.
Robert: Surprise. It's an iguana.
Amy: You know, with an iguana, you really don't have to say "surprise."
Robert: Yeah. Well, Debra told me that green was your favorite color and, you know, the iguanas are the most loyal of all the reptiles, and... Check him out. [Amy screams] He's a lovely guy. He's very, very docile.
Debra: [enters] Did you find my ring? Oh, just a lizard.

Ray: Here you go. Happy, you know.
Debra: [sobs] These are beautiful.
Ray: I cried, too. Roses are twice as much on Valentine's Day.

Debra: No, listen, Ray. I have a confession to make to you. Right after we got engaged, I had the original stone replaced.
Ray: [long silence] What?
Debra: Honey, when you asked me to marry you I was so happy, believe me, but that diamond... I mean, I knew you got the best stone you could afford, bless your heart, but... You know, my parents weren't that crazy about you to begin with, and I didn't want to show them that stone.
Ray: I understand.
Debra: You know my grandmother, Abby? She'd given me her ring years before so I put that stone in your setting.
Ray: Do you remember how much it was worth? Just ballpark?
Debra: Sweetie, it's not important.
Ray: How important is it not?
Debra: What?
Ray: How much was old Abby's stone worth?
Debra: $15,000. [Ray writhes in agony] I could just kill myself, Ray.
Ray: This could be a murder-suicide.

Debra: What did you do?
Ray: I meant well.
Debra: You changed the stone in my ring. Where is my grandmother's diamond?
Ray: Just like Grandma. Gone.
Debra: You threw it out?
Ray: I didn't know that it was a $15,000 diamond. I thought it was just a piece of junk.
Debra: So you knew that the first ring you bought me was a piece of junk?
Ray: I was trying to get you more for the money, that's all. This is your fault, anyway.
Debra: My fault?
Ray: That's right. If you had just been honest enough to tell me that you changed it then I wouldn't have had to steal it from you.
Debra: Yeah, well, you're a great thief, Ray. You just threw out $15,000. Who did you get this stone from? Leon?
Ray: How dare you?

Debra: How could you do this to me?
Ray: Because I was trying to fix the whole thing!
Debra: Why, after eight years, did you try to fix it now?
Ray: Because I love you! Why did you change it eight years ago?
Debra: Because I love you!