Marie: This is our first trip.
Ted: Oh, well then, sir, may I recommend the deck by moonlight? You and your lady might enjoy the gorgeous--
Ray: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Lady? Whoa! This is not my lady, okay? This is my mother.
Ted: Oh, sure, sure, sure. Mother. Done.
Ray: She really is my mother. Tell him you're my mother.
Marie: Oh, honey, look. Origami!
Ray: Look, what did you write there? I'm telling you the truth.
Ted: It doesn't really matter. We're at sea. You have a grand time, you two.
Ray: Oh... [ship horn blows]

Frank: Let's eat. Now this is what I call a vacation. Three days of sitting in front of the TV eating, napping on the couch, soaking in my new hot tub. Nobody nagging at me: "Frank, take out the trash." "Frank, cover your mouth when you burp." "Frank, that's no place for a Q-tip." I'm free! I'm footloose and fancy-free! [dances] Oh, oh, oh.
Robert: Come on, you've got the part!
Frank: I'm not kidding. I really popped it this time.
Robert: You did not.
Frank: I did too.
Robert: Let me see. [Frank groans] You just had to dance.

Marie: Oh, there you are. Where have you been?
Ray: Bar hopping. Waffle bar, omelet bar, tostada bar. Now I'm doing clam shots.
Marie: Raymond, so many clams. You should try the crab cakes.
Ray: Had 'em.
Marie: And the little eclairs.
Ray: Had 'em!

Marie: I'm amazed at how much I can get done in the morning without your father. I played bridge, I jazzercised. And look, origami. Mr. Sasa thinks I have natural talent.
Ray: What's this made out of?
Marie: Paper.
Ray: Oh! [wipes mouth with the origami figure]
Marie: And tomorrow we're making lotus blossoms. You should come.
Ray: No, I don't know, Ma. Some scuttlebutt about a pie buffet.
Marie: And bingo starts at 4:00.
Ray: Oh, see, but I'm hanging myself at 3:00.

Ted: So, uh what are you and Mom up to this afternoon?
Ray: You know, she really is my mother.
Marie: Well, I wanted to play bingo, but I'm not sure Raymond is up for it.
Ted: You know, several of our cruisers have told me they would love to share a bingo card with you, Marie. That is if Raymond doesn't mind.
Ray: Well, why would I mind? She's my mother!

Frank: I appreciate your help. I know there's a lot of other things you'd rather be doing.
Robert: That's okay, Dad, I understand. The important thing is we got you there in time.
Frank: Damn calzone. Robert? You're not going to believe this.
Robert: What? Again? All right, come on. Hurry.

Marie: Oops. I didn't think you'd be up.
Ray: Do you have any idea how late it is?
Marie: I don't know, but who cares? We're at sea.
Ray: Where have you been?
Marie: With my friends. We sang "Carousel" and practically all of "Fiddler on the Roof." I was Tevye.
Ray: Friends who? Those merry widows?
Marie: Uh-huh, and Ted and Walter and Mary Beth's husband. We're all going to the discotheque. What did I do with my evening purse? Oh yeah.
Ray: Have you been drinking?
Marie: No, but upstairs they're setting up a whiskey-sour fountain.

Ray: Who are you?
Marie: What do you mean?
Ray: You're acting all... I don't know, like a woo-woo party girl.
Marie: I'm having fun. Can't I have fun?
Ray: I'm not saying you can't. I'm just saying it's a little hard to watch.
Marie: Well, I didn't know you were paying any attention. You seemed so busy trying to get on all the buffet lines.
Ray: Gotta get there early or they get picked over.
Marie: Stop eating.
Ray: Stop eating? See, you've never said that to me before.

Marie: Come on, let's go dancing.
Ray: No, no, I don't wanna dance. I'm not a dancer.
Marie: All right then, I'll see you later.
Ray: Wait, Ma. Don't you think you're overdoing it a little? Huh? Take it easy. Take a break. Come on, we'll get something to eat here. Look, room service. I've got a tab running.
Marie: Oh, I don't wanna stay in the room. It's too small.
Ray: What's so special about those people out there?
Marie: Nothing. They're just very nice. They think I'm fun. They think I'm interesting. They like doing things with me. They like me.
Ray: I like you.
Marie: Oh, I know you do, Raymond. You know what? We'll have room service for breakfast tomorrow. I won't stay out long.