Debra: I knew you would like this. And I love my pots! I'm gonna try 'em out right now.
Marie: Well, I better go help her. They're not magic pots.

Marie: What is a DVD player?
Ray: Come on, not now, Ma, please.
Marie: Is it for pornography?
Debra: Yes, Marie, I got Ray a porn machine.
Marie: I don't like that, Debra.

Ray: It's not about toast! My gift had meaning. Everyone else loves the toaster! Everyone else! Everyone! Who are you people?! You know what? Any time I've ever given you a present, it's never been any good.
Marie: That's not true, Dear.
Ray: No? The microwave.
Marie: Well, that... We didn't need a microwave.
Frank: And they're dangerous. What if I wanted to have more children?
Ray: If God hasn't stopped you, the government will.

Debra: Sorry. I'm sorry. It's just that your mother is sending out this stupid family Christmas letter, and I look terrible in it. She makes it sound as if she has to raise my kids and clean my house while I sit around and drool into a cup.
Ray: Just let her have her delusions. What else does she have... chasing Dad around the house with a can of Lysol?

Marie: So you two didn't even help pick them out?
Robert: No no, I-I helped. I wrapped it.
Marie: Don't lie, Robbie. Everybody knows you can't work a tape dispenser with your giant fingers.

Frank: Hello. And a merry Christmas to you!
Clerk: Merry Christmas.
Frank: May our Lord and Savior bestow many blessings upon you and your loved ones.
Clerk: Thank you. I'm Jewish.
Frank: Oh. All these people must be a pain in the ass, huh?
Marie: Frank, don't say that!
Frank: Let me do it my way.
Clerk: Are you returning this?
Frank: Yes, we are. It unfortunately is a piece of crap.

Debra: You just look kind of sexy.
Ray: What?
Debra: You know, with the sweeper, and...
Ray: Sweeper? That's what does it for you?
Debra: No, but just watching you play with the kids this morning and then wearing these silly boxers that they gave you. I don't know, just the fact that you're my husband, you take care of us and the whole picture. Sweeping just put it over the top. [they kiss]
Ray: What are you doing to me here? What? You're killing me!
Debra: I wanted to let you know how I was feeling.
Ray: Well, you can't kiss me like that. It's Christmas. Ally's up. My parents are coming over now.
Debra: I'm sorry.
Ray: You've activated the launch sequence now. What?
Marie: [enters] Merry Christmas!
[As Frank, Marie and Robert enter the living room, Ray grabs a Christmas wreath and holds it in front of his crotch]
Robert: Nice. We usually hang ours on the door.

Ray: Listen, you got a CD player?
Marie: Yes, we do. Would you like it? Because we need the space.
Ray: No, Ma. We gave it to you.
Marie: And we love it.
Ray: Okay, all right, where is it?
Marie: It's over there.
Ray: Oh my God, look at all this stuff!
Marie: Ooh, would you like a popcorn popper? You didn't give us that, did you?
Ray: Here it is. The CD player Debra and I got you. And look at this, it's a clock radio. A DVD player. A microwave oven. Another microwave oven. Look at this. You didn't even finish taking the wrapping off.
Marie: Well, we don't need an electrical knife. Cutting meat is your father's only exercise.

Robert: What are you and Ray gonna get Mom and Dad for Christmas?
Debra: I don't know. Every year it's so horrible. Poor Ray, always wrong. He's over there right now fishing for hints.
Robert: [chuckles] Yeah, hints! Heh, he'll never learn. Mom doesn't give it up so easy. She always gives the same prepared statement every year: "Oh, I don't need anything, dears. I just want two nice boys."
Debra: You two ever try that?
Robert: Nice? It's too much trouble. We used to just go in on some Jean Nate After Bath Splash.

Ray: Hey, eight maids a-milkin'!
Debra: You gonna do this every night until Christmas? Can't we just cut to "partridge in a pear tree" and be done with it?
Ray: Wow. Why don't we go to Macy's, you can punch Santa and kick an elf.