Robert: What's going on?
Ray: Nothing's going on.
Ray: You don't have to go. You don't understand.
Marie: I understand it all too well, Raymond. In my day, there was a little something called self-control.
Frank: Not on Easter, 1962.
Marie: Shush!
Frank: Enjoy yourselves, kids. And flash the lights when you're done. We'll come back over.

Ray: I don't know why it has to be so hard, Andy, you know? I mean, we're married for eight years. It should get easier. It should be, "You awake?", boom.
Andy: I'm the wrong guy to talk to about women. Even my fantasies just want to be friends.

Andy: Hey, Erin, you're a woman.
Erin: Thanks.
Andy: Come here. Have a seat. We gotta talk to you about something.
Ray: Don't, Andy.
Erin: No, it's okay, I'll talk to him. It's Christmas.
Andy: Thank you, Erin. Our question is this: Why can't I score? What the helI's with you people? Why do women look at me like I'm some kind of homunculus?

Andy: How come you don't like it as much as we do?
Erin: [laughs] Who says we don't like it? What? We just prefer to be in the mood first.
Ray: Okay, stop right there. The mood. Just give me directions to the mood.
Andy: Exactly. And keep in mind that I live further away than he does.
Erin: All right. You know, listen, I can help you. All you have to know is that, for a woman it's all about intimacy: holding hands, kissing, talking.
Ray: Right, I know all that. But when you're married with three kids, you got no time for that. You got shortcuts?
Andy: I thought marriage was a shortcut. You've already got her in the house.
Erin: No, there are no shortcuts. Put in the time. A woman says, "Before I sleep with you, I want to feel close to you."
Andy: And I say, "You will feel very close to me when you are sleeping with me."
Erin: That's the problem with you guys. You know what, you think that the mushy stuff is over at the wedding. We still want the mushy stuff. Why can't you try a little, huh?
Ray: I'm trying. What do you want?
Erin: Some caring, some consideration. Did you ever try being creative? God, look at you! Tuck in your shirts.
Ray: Okay, thank you. Thanks for your help.
Erin: Hey, that's the way it is. You asked my advice as a woman. I'm telling you: You got to try harder.

Ray: [sings] You better watch out You better watch out You better watch out You better watch out You... Bet-ter... Watch out
Debra: What is this?
Ray: That's just an early Christmas present for a good little girl.
Debra: Oh, that's sweet. What is it?
Ray: It's Magic Hands. I thought I'd get you this now that I know what "rub your back" means.

Ray: [sings] On a cold and gray Chicago morn And another baby child is born in the ghetto [falsetto] In the ghetto [sings] And his mama cries 'Cause there's one thing that she don't need It's another hungry little mouth to feed In the ghetto [falsetto] In the ghetto

Frank: You made me wear this dumb sweater. Ray's not even wearing pants.
Ray: I guess I'll go put clothes on.
Debra: Yeah, I'll stir my eggs.
Marie: No, keep that on. That's your Christmas sweater.
Frank: It's the sweater or the pants, Marie. Something's coming off.

Robert: Look at this. My K9 Kringle police dog ornament buried at the bottom of the tree. That's typical.
Marie: No, no, no. No, it doesn't look good. It looks terrible up there.
Robert: Why?
Marie: Because of the two wooden ornaments. You gotta have something shiny in-between.
Frank: Who gives a flying squirrel about the ornaments? The lights are all wrong.
Marie: Forget the lights. Look at these garlands. You can't just throw them on. You've got to drape them.
Robert: I paid $15 for this ornament. They told me how much they loved it.

Debra: Oh, It's a housecoat.
Marie: I noticed you didn't have one. It's just like mine.
Debra: Oh, so we could be twins.
Frank: Hold it up.

Marie: Oh, that's lovely, and it is so you.
Debra: What do you think, Ray?
Ray: I just got a shiver.