Trending ‘Everybody Hates Chris’ Quotes

Quote from Ms. Morello in Everybody Hates the Substitute

Ms. Morello: Chris, I love your shirt. What does it stand for?
Chris: B-.
Ms. Morello: Oh! B-. I love that Black street slang. So what else did I miss around here?
Greg: Well, we were supposed to have a practice test on the statewide exam today.
Ms. Morello: Oh, forget about that test. I want to show you the gifts I brought back.
Greg: Gifts?
Ms. Morello: For you, I brought back a shield and a spear.
Chris: What did you get me? What is that?
Ms. Morello: It's a bone. For your nose, silly. By the way, do you know a guy named Induku?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Actually, I did, but I didn't want to give her the satisfaction.

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Quote from Vanessa in Everybody Hates Big Bird

Adult Chris: [v.o.] I realized my mistake, and Vanessa realized that going out with Kill Moves wasn't a mistake at all.
Rochelle: You were out all night?
Vanessa: Oh, girl, that's just the start of it. We opened the champagne, headed for the seaport. There was a pink helicopter waiting for me.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] You can hear about the rest of Vanessa's date at www.vanessasbigdatewithkillmoves.tv

Quote from Ms. Morello in Everybody Hates Graduation

Mr. Perkins: Can I have their fathers' names?
Rochelle: Ju...? Their fathers? No, no, no. They have one father.
Mr. Perkins: Do you know his name?
Rochelle: Where are you getting this information?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I'll tell you where he's getting it.
[flashback: Ms. Morello addresses the camera in her class room:]
Ms. Morello: Unfortunately, I think Chris is a crack baby. The mother's a little delusional. Her brain is addled by years of drug abuse and cheap wine spo-dee-o-dee. She's actually convinced herself that she has a husband who works two jobs and that they own a house in the ghetto. You can't believe a word she says. [drinks chocolate milk]

Quote from Rochelle in Everybody Hates Greg

Julius: Who are you?
Art Wuliger: Wuliger. Art Wuliger. I'm Greg's dad.
Julius: Greg who?
Greg: I'm Greg. We go to school together. [Rochelle sighs]
Chris: Greg asked me to come over after school. We were just hanging out.
Rochelle: [mocking] Oh, "We were just hanging out. We were just hanging out." I'm over here worried sick, and you were hanging out? Have you lost your mind?!

Quote from Ms. Morello in Everybody Hates Tattaglia

Ms. Morello: Chris, I thought you'd like that room. That's why I had you placed there.
Chris: You put me in that class?
Ms. Morello: Yes, but if I had known you were a racist...
Chris: No, I'm not a racist.
Ms. Morello: Well, I don't hear any of the White kids complaining about being around you.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] It's hard to talk when you're wearing a hood.
Ms. Morello: And I think that's mighty white of them.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] While I regain my composure, let's hear a word from our sponsors.

Quote from Rochelle in Everybody Hates Cake

Peaches: Hey, Rochelle.
Rochelle: Hey.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Translation: "Who told you where I work?"
Rochelle: Who told you where I work?

Quote from Rochelle in Everybody Hates the English Teacher

Julius: Rochelle, it's not like you didn't have anything to do with it. Every time I turn around, you're quitting another job.
Rochelle: Since when?
Julius: Since whenever. I'm just saying, I hope you like being at the beauty salon, because if you find a job you really like, maybe I wouldn't have to keep two jobs.
Rochelle: Oh. Oh, oh, wait a minute. So you're saying that you think I use the fact that you have two jobs as a reason to quit a job?
Julius: I didn't say that.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] But she did.
[flashbacks:]
Rochelle: I do not need this. My man has two jobs.
Rochelle: I don't need this, man! My man has two jobs!
Rochelle: I do not need this, okay? My man has two jobs.

Quote from Adult Chris in Everybody Hates the Pilot

Adult Chris: [v.o.] We moved to an apartment in Bed-Stuy, Brooklyn. Now, had we known that Bed-Stuy would be the center of a crack epidemic, I guess we'd have picked some place else. Bed-Stuy even had its own motto: "Bed-Stuy, do or die".
Rochelle: Look at that! Look at that!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Those are some of the guys that are gonna die.

Quote from Rochelle in Everybody Hates Keisha

Sheila: Rochelle, I love your place. How you keep it so clean with three kids?
Rochelle: Oh, no, my children know how to act. They know, once they walk through that front door, I don't tolerate no foolishness.
Sheila: Uh-uh.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That's Sheila, Keisha's mother. My mother didn't make a lot of friends, because she's, what I like to call, a ghetto snob.
[flashback:]
Rochelle: Look at that woman out here with rollers in her hair.
Tonya: Mama, you have rollers on.
Rochelle: Yeah, but I'm wearing a scarf. No class.

Quote from Rochelle in Everybody Hates Fat Mike

Julius: Rochelle, I feel bad enough about not working. I don't need you around here complaining about how I do things.
Rochelle: Well, if you did things right, I wouldn't have complain.
Julius: Half the stuff around here I do better than you. It ain't that hard.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father was the oldest of ten brothers and sisters. He had been cooking and cleaning all of his life. But even if the job wasn't that hard, he's not supposed to say it.
Rochelle: What? You got something to say?
Announcer: [over title card] WARNING! The following scene contains language of a frank and explicit nature.
Viewer discretion is advised.
Rochelle: Well, ain't this about a bitch?! [glass shattering] Are you crazy?! You do my job for one day. [glass shattering] And I make that damn hard! You baking, frying, biscuit-baking, pancake-making, bald-headed bastard!
[one hour later:]
Rochelle: You must think I'm crazy! [glass shattering] You can kiss my ain't-that-hard... [loud thudding] Have you lost your mind?!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And that was my mother's way of letting him off easy.

Quote from Julius in Everybody Hates Rejection

Julius: Enjoy yourself. This is half off on a soda and box of Jujubes.
Chris: Thanks.
Julius: Oh, what the hell. Here's a coupon for a free box of popcorn.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] The last time my father gave away an extra coupon was when I gave him a get-one coupon, get-one-coupon-free coupon.
Julius: Have a good time. You look good, man. [chuckles] That's my boy.

Quote from Greg in Everybody Hates the Class President

Greg: Chris!
Adult Chris: A lot of bad things happened to me at Corleone, but the one good thing was becoming friends with Greg.
Chris: Hey, man, what you been up to?
Greg: Same old, same old. Feels like last year all over again.
Chris: I'm tired of being pushed around. I'm tired of people making fun of me. I'm tired of getting my butt kicked. I'm not gonna take it anymore.
Greg: Wow. Are you a Muslim now?
Chris: No.

Quote from Chris in Everybody Hates Elections

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Even though I didn't have a speech, I did have something to say.
Chris: When I decided to run for eighth grade class president, I was running for a lot of different reasons. What I never really asked myself was, did I really want to be class president? Well, I do. You know, I don't know what I can do as class president, but this is what I'm going to try to do. I'm going to try to get you lockers with combinations that work. I'm tired of coming in to my locker and seeing that everything I own is gone. I'm going to try to get you textbooks from this decade. I've got a textbook that says Dwight Eisenhower's president. Who is Dwight Eisenhower? I don't know. And what about that lunch room food? I had some Jell-O last week that was harder than the bowl. And what's with all the salami? Did someone vote for salami? Do we have any bologna? Ham? Can I get a slice of cheese? And if we have hot dogs on Tuesday, I don't want to have hot dog casserole Wednesday and Thursday and then franks and beans on Friday. [applause] Change it up! And do we have to say the Pledge of Allegiance every day? It's a pledge. We can say it once. What, they don't trust us or something? [applause] And how about we get field trips to places where people actually want to go? I'm not going to the botanical gardens one more time. How about Coney Island? Or Times Square? Let's go see the Knicks. Let's go see the Yankees. Heck, I'll even go see Cats. But if I go to the botanical gardens one more time, I'm gonna slap the sap out of somebody. Now I know it's been a long time coming, but as your eighth grade class president I promise you a change is gonna come. My name is Chris, and I'm running for your eighth grade class president.
Kids: [chant] Chris! Chris! Chris!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] It was great to hear a crowd say my name and not follow it with, "Let's get him."

Quote from Julius in Everybody Hates Thanksgiving

Tonya & Drew: Hey, Uncle Louis!
Louis: What's up, sweetie? Hey, big man.
Rochelle: Hey. Good seeing you.
Michael: Hey, why they don't treat me like that?
Julius: 'Cause you don't have a job.

Quote from Julius in Everybody Hates Chain Snatching

Malvo: So I'm supposed to be afraid 'cause you brought your daddy out here?
Julius: You're supposed to be scared because, if you ever put your hands on my son again you ain't going to jail. I'm going to jail.
Malvo: What you going to do?
Julius: You'll find out what I'm going to do. You think I'm playing? When you're in the shower, I'm going to be there.
[fantasy: Julius is there when Malvo climbs out of the shower:]
Julius: You think I'm playing?
[reality:]
Julius: When you're watching TV, I'm going to be there.
[fantasy: Malvo watches TV on his bed]
Julius: [on TV] Think I'm playing?
[reality:]
Julius: Even in your dreams, I'm going to be there.
[fantasy:]
Judge: Mr. Malvo, you're free to go. Case dismissed.
Malvo: What I tell you, dude?
Julius: You think I'm playing?
[reality:]
Malvo: Yeah. That's all right.
Julius: It's going to be all right!
Malvo: You lucky I don't know my daddy.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That was the slogan for the Bed-Stuy Boys' Club.

Quote from Adult Chris in Everybody Hates Mother's Day

Adult Chris: [v.o.] The problem with going to department stores is every time a Black person enters, they get followed. It didn't matter if you were a baby wearing diapers...
White Security Guard #1: [crawling] She's on the move.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] ...or a senior citizen wearing diapers.
White Security Guard #2: She's on the roll.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Or even one of their own.
White Security Guard #3: [following a Black security guard] He's on the move.
Black Security Guard: What do you mean, I'm on the move? I work here.
White Security Guard #3: Sorry. Force of habit.
Black Security Guard: What's wrong with you, man?

Quote from Chris in Everybody Hates Mother's Day

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Choosing to shoplift was the worst decision I had ever made. Even a Turkish prison would be nice compared to what my mother would do if she found out I stole.
[fantasy: Chris and an adult man are in the stocks. The man screams as a Turkish guard in a fez canes his feet:]
Rochelle: [o.s.] Chris! Boy, where you at?!
Chris: My mother's coming! Kill me now! Kill me now! Kill me now!

Quote from Tonya in Everybody Hates Tattaglia

Adult Chris: [v.o.] When my mother told Tonya she could say anything she wanted, Tonya took her at her word.
[montage:]
Tonya: Did you dye your hair blond or did you dye your eyebrows black?
Tonya: Your perm looks nice, but what's wrong with your toenails?
Tonya: Should you be using food stamps to pay for this?

Quote from Mr. Omar in Everybody Hates Mr. Levine

Mr. Omar: Hey, Chris. I can't believe this. There's rioting, looting. People are getting killed.
Chris: I know, it's tragic.
Mr. Omar: Tragic? It's great.

Quote from Rochelle in Everybody Hates Keisha

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Sheila gave my mother compliments and my mother loved compliments.
Sheila: Oh, girl, I love those shoes.
Rochelle: They're all leather.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] No, they aren't.