Trending Everybody Hates Chris Quotes

Quote from Vanessa in Everybody Hates Big Bird

Adult Chris: [v.o.] I realized my mistake, and Vanessa realized that going out with Kill Moves wasn't a mistake at all.
Rochelle: You were out all night?
Vanessa: Oh, girl, that's just the start of it. We opened the champagne, headed for the seaport. There was a pink helicopter waiting for me.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] You can hear about the rest of Vanessa's date at


Quote from Rochelle in Everybody Hates the Pilot

Julius: Look, I'm not trying to tell you what to do. But I'm working hard trying to pay for this place, you know that.
Rochelle: Julius, just because you make money doesn't mean you know how to spend it. You gotta know how to work the system.
Julius: What system?
Rochelle: The debt system. I run this house like they run the country... on a deficit. Rent is due on the 3rd, I don't pay 'til the 9th because you don't get your check 'til the 7th. If you pay the light bill now, I won't have money for the groceries, the rent will be late and then you'll have to work overtime. You want to work overtime again, Julius? No, I don't think so. If we don't owe people money, we won't have any money at all.
Julius: Um... Why didn't you just say that then?
Rochelle: Because you didn't ask.

Quote from Tonya in Everybody Hates Earth Day

Julius: What happened?
Tonya: I was trying to study and this girl kept talking so I told her: [in Rochelle's voice]: "If you don't shut up, I'm going to slap the chatter out of you." And she left me alone.
Drew: Wow, you sound just like mom.
Rochelle: No, she doesn't.
Julius: She does. I mean, just a little.

Quote from Ryan in Everybody Hates Fake IDs

Greg: We just want to go see the Fat Boys.
Ryan: Oh. I love those guys. [sings] All you can eat [grunting rhythmically]
Chris: So, when can we get 'em?
Greg: And how much is it gonna cost?
Ryan: Well, that depends. When it comes to delivery, you have three separate options. You can get 'em fast and cheap, but not good; you can get 'em good and cheap, but not fast; or you can get 'em fast and good, but not cheap.
Chris: Well, the concert's tomorrow, so how much is the last option?
Ryan: 25 bucks. Each.

Quote from Greg in Everybody Hates the BFD

Chris: Oh, my dad loaned it to me and I'm gonna pay him back with my scholarship money.
Greg: What scholarship?
Chris: BFD.
Greg: Never heard of that one before. But I'm guessing acronyms today... Black Funeral Directors.
Chris: Yeah, you have a scholarship?
Greg: Yeah, I've got four: Future Physicists, Future Pharmacists, Future Futurists, and Sons of Izzo.
Chris: Who's Izzo?
Greg: It's an Italian thing, you wouldn't understand.

Quote from Adult Chris in Everybody Hates Dirty Jokes

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Ever since I was a kid, I always loved comedy. I loved cartoons. I loved sitcoms. But most of all, I loved stand-up comedians.
Rochelle: All right, y'all, time to go to bed.
Chris: Ma, can I stay up and watch 'til the end? It's almost over.
Rochelle: All right. Drew and Tonya, go. Good night.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] What I didn't know was that my parents loved comedians, too.
Redd Foxx: [on tape] You knew it in your heart, you haven't washed your hair.
[Chris sneaks downstairs as his parents are laughing at the tape with Mr. Omar and Vanessa:]
Redd Foxx: So one night, the time was right, he asked her, he said, "Honey, would you marry me?" She said "wooden eye?"
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I can't say what he just said, but it was the first dirty joke I had ever heard.
Redd Foxx: "Geez, baby, what time do you have to be home?"
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And it wasn't the last.
Redd Foxx: She said "Christmas."
Adult Chris: [v.o.] A lot of kids would get in trouble sneaking out of bed trying to listen to dirty jokes. I ended up getting a career.

Quote from Rochelle in Everybody Hates Playboy

Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father could ask my mother if anybody had been in the toolbox, but he knew questions made my mother suspicious.
Tonya: Ma, can I go play over at Tricia's house?
Rochelle: What you need to go over her house for? What you gonna do over there you can't do here? And why you acting all suspicious?
Drew: Hey, mom, what time is it?
Rochelle: What you need to know the time for? What are you going to do, go rob a bank? You're acting suspicious.
Chris: Ma, can I have some more potatoes?
Rochelle: What you need more potatoes for? Boy, you getting high? You starting to act suspicious.

Quote from Tonya in Everybody Hates Drew

Vanessa: Tonya, I don't think that we should be talking about Richard.
Tonya: Why not?
Vanessa: Because that's grown folks' business.
Tonya: Oh, is that why my mom and dad got in an argument?
Pam: Uh... Uh... An argument?
Vanessa: About what?
Tonya: Well, I asked my daddy if he had a girlfriend, and he said, "Why?" And then my mama said, "Well, do you?" And then he asked me why I asked him that, and then...
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Although my mother told the girls not to gossip to Tonya, she didn't say anything about Tonya gossiping to them.

Quote from Julius in Everybody Hates the Pilot

Julius: I know you're not gonna throw that away. Eat that. That's 30 cents worth of oatmeal.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father always knew what everything costs.
Julius: [retrieving a chicken wing from the trash] That's $1.09 in the trash.
Julius: [next to a tray of burnt biscuits] That's $2 on fire.
Julius: That's 49 cents of spilled milk dripping all over my table. Somebody's gonna drink this milk.