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Everybody Hates the Substitute

‘Everybody Hates the Substitute’

Season 2, Episode 14 -  Aired February 12, 2007

When Chris gets a Black substitute teacher, Mr. Newton (Orlando Jones), he is determined to get Chris to try harder in class. Meanwhile, Julius is fed up with Mr. Omar using his phone, and Tonya learns she can get her own way by accusing Drew of hitting her.

Quote from Mr. Omar

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Every time we saw Mr. Omar he wanted to borrow something.
Julius: Hey, Mr. Omar.
Mr. Omar: Oh, hey, Mr. Julius. [silence]
Julius: Can I help you?
Mr. Omar: Well, you know, I was about to go and use the pay phone to make a phone call, but since you're home, I might as well use your phone.
Julius: What happened to your phone?
Mr. Omar: To tell you the truth, I don't know.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I do.
[fantasy: a woman works at a telephone exchange:]
Operator: If he's not going to talk to me, he's not going to talk to anybody. [pulls cable]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He's lucky she didn't work for the electric company.
[reality:]
Julius: It's not a long-distance call, is it?
Mr. Omar: Oh, no, it's local.
Julius: All right, go ahead.
Mr. Omar: Thank you. You a gentleman and a scholar.

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Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Algebra wasn't the only thing I didn't know. And everything I didn't know, he was determined to teach me. He taught me language...
Mr. Newton: Veni, vidi, vici. "I came, I saw, I conquered."
Chris: Eenie, meenie, miney, mo... Catch a tiger by the toe.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He taught me history.
Mr. Newton: The Vitruvian Man.
Chris: The hangman. Pick a letter.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He taught me science.
Mr. Newton: Your turn. [hands Chris a scalpel]
Chris: Got anything bigger?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Please don't kill me in the name of science... ribbet!

Quote from Joey Caruso

Chris: Man, I can't believe this. The guy's going to kill me. It's not like I didn't have it bad enough coming to this school from the other side of town, having the kids kick the crap out of me. But now the teacher's going to kick the crap out of me, too.
Joey Caruso: Quit complaining, Kareem. I love this guy. Man, I didn't like him at first because of the whole Black thing, but I'm doing better at math now. And the things he taught me about jazz, forget about it. [knocks Chris's books out of his hands]

Quote from Adult Chris

Mr. Newton: Chris, may I have a word with you?
Chris: Yes, sir.
Mr. Newton: This upcoming test is a measure of your overall abilities as a student. Now, if you don't score in the 90th percentile, I'm going to recommend that you repeat eighth grade.
Greg: What?!
Chris: You can't do that.
Mr. Newton: I can and I will.
Chris: Are you serious?
Mr. Newton: As a catastrophic cardiac infarction.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Stop showing off. Just say heart attack.
Chris: I don't know how I'm going to do it, but this guy's got to go.
Greg: Maybe you could score in the 90th percentile and he'll have a catastrophic cardiac infarction.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Stop showing off. Just say "heart attack."

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] For the next few days, all I did was study for that test and try to figure out a way to get rid of Mr. Newton. I could call the feds and say Mr. Newton was working for the Mob.
[fantasy: a car pulls up outside the school as Mr. Newton steps out. A group of suited men jump out, blindfold Mr. Newton and throw him in the trunk of the car before speeding off]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I could call the Mob and say Mr. Newton was working for the feds.
[fantasy: a car pulls up outside the school as Mr. Newton steps out. A group of suited men jump out, blindfold Mr. Newton and throw him in the trunk of the car before speeding off]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Or I could call his wife and say he had a White woman on the side.
[fantasy: a car pulls up outside the school as Mr. Newton steps out. A woman jumps out, blindfolds Mr. Newton and throws him in the trunk of the car before speeding off]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] One way or another, he had to go.

Quote from Mr. Omar

Mr. Omar: Hey, listen. If Mrs. Perkins calls, just say I'm not home.
Julius: You're not.
Mr. Omar: You're on it. [laughs] You don't miss a thing, Mr. Julius.

Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] At home, Drew was trying to watch hockey, and wishing that Tonya would just shut the puck up.
Tonya: I want to watch Airwolf.
Drew: Mom said I could watch hockey.
Tonya: Mom, Drew hit me again!
Rochelle: No, he didn't.
Tonya: But he was going to.
Rochelle: Oh, he's not the only one. Upstairs. We need to talk.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My mother said boys couldn't hit girls, but she could.
Rochelle: [to Drew] Turn that up.

Quote from Mr. Omar

Mrs. Perkins: How you doing?
Julius: I'm fine.
Mrs. Morales: ¿Cómo está?
Julius: Muy bien. Hey, Mr. Omar.
Mr. Omar: You know, Mr. Julius, you didn't have to do that. If you didn't want me to use your phone, why didn't you just say so?
Julius: Sorry.
Mr. Omar: Sorry? That was just wrong, man. You sorry? The bald cut is sorry.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Mr. Omar learned what dope dealers knew for years: If you want to keep your business to yourself, use a pay phone.

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Mr. Newton wore me down, but he was one of the first teachers I'd ever had that expected me to do better, not worse. The next time I saw Mr. Newton, he was excited to see me.
Girl: Get off me!
Chris: Hey, what happened?
Jerome: Let me hold a quarter. [Chris hands him a quarter] Teacher got shot, man.
Mr. Newton: [to Chris] You! You did this to me!
Chris: I didn't know you were going to get shot.
Mr. Newton: You sent me to this hellhole! This is your fault! Oh, you just going to stand there?! I know where you live! I tried to teach you! I tried to help... Get your hands off of... I know who your people is! Tried to help you!

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Most days at school were usually the same.I got there at the same time, I saw the same kids.
Greg: Hey, Chris.
Chris: Hey, Greg.
Joey Caruso: Hey, Ebony. Ivory.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And I took the same classes with the same teachers.
Greg: So did you hear? Ms. Morello's gonna be gone for, like, two or three weeks.
Chris: What?
Greg: Yeah, she went on a trip to Africa to help fight off an outbreak of yellow fever.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] It was more like she went to Harlem to fight off an outbreak of jungle fever.
[fantasy: Ms. Morello dances with a group of Black men in a disco club]

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