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‘Everybody Hates the Substitute’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates the Substitute

214. Everybody Hates the Substitute

Aired February 12, 2007

When Chris gets a Black substitute teacher, Mr. Newton (Orlando Jones), he is determined to get Chris to try harder in class. Meanwhile, Julius is fed up with Mr. Omar using his phone, and Tonya learns she can get her own way by accusing Drew of hitting her.

Quote from Ms. Morello

Chris: Ms. Morello?
Ms. Morello: Oh, Chris, you're still here. I was so afraid the system would have brought you down by now.
Greg: We thought you were in Africa.
Ms. Morello: I was, but there was a civil war.
Greg: A war?
Ms. Morello: Fortunately, they found a way for all the White people to get out.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Same thing happened in New Orleans.

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Quote from Ms. Morello

Ms. Morello: Chris, I love your shirt. What does it stand for?
Chris: B-.
Ms. Morello: Oh! B-. I love that Black street slang. So what else did I miss around here?
Greg: Well, we were supposed to have a practice test on the statewide exam today.
Ms. Morello: Oh, forget about that test. I want to show you the gifts I brought back.
Greg: Gifts?
Ms. Morello: For you, I brought back a shield and a spear.
Chris: What did you get me? What is that?
Ms. Morello: It's a bone. For your nose, silly. By the way, do you know a guy named Induku?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Actually, I did, but I didn't want to give her the satisfaction.

Quote from Mr. Omar

Mr. Omar: [on the phone] He fell down the elevator shaft? Tragic.
Julius: Excuse me, Mr. Omar.
Mr. Omar: Hold on, Mr. Julius.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Oh, he wanted to hold on, all right.
[fantasy: Julius is strangling Mr. Omar with the telephone cord:]
Julius: Oh, I'm holding on now. Now, who you gonna call?
Mr. Omar: Let go. Tragic. Tragic.
[reality:]
Julius: I need to make a call.
Mr. Omar: I'm almost off.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He better be, because it's almost on.
Mr. Omar: [chuckles] That's what he here for.

Quote from Monk

Monk: What's up with you, man? You been looking kind of tired lately.
Chris: Let me ask you a question. How do you get rid of somebody that's been giving you problems?
Monk: Now, when you say "get rid of," do you mean get "rid" of "rid of," or just rid of?
Chris: Just get rid of. He has a job, and I don't want him to have it.
Monk: Boy, you better watch what you're talking about! You make a mistake. You want to talk about this first, or what?!
Chris: I didn't touch you. It's my substitute teacher.
Monk: Oh. Oh. Well, then, in that case, what do you know about him?
Chris: Well, mostly just this.
Monk: What is this?
Chris: His resume.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] While the ghetto Rambo worked with me, the ghetto Gretzky worked on my ma.

Quote from Monk

Chris: "Corleone Junior High School letter of resignation." Do you think this will work?
Monk: Of course it'll work, or my name ain't Monk.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] His name's not Monk. His name was Jimmy.

Quote from Joey Caruso

Mr. Newton: Good morning. I'm Mr. Newton.
Joey Caruso: More like Mr. Tibbs.
Mr. Newton: What's your name?
Joey Caruso: Joey Caruso.
Mr. Newton: And you're making fun of me because I'm Black?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Yeah, you big dummy. He does it to me every day.
Joey Caruso: No, sir.
Mr. Newton: Sounds like it to me.
Joey Caruso: Sorry.
Mr. Newton: If you want to make fun of me, fine. But make fun of me for what I do, not how I look. You don't see me making fun of you because you look like a Brooklyn Beach Barney Rubble. [laughter]
Joey Caruso: No, sir.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] This Black sub is a bad mother...
Women: [v.o.] Shut your mouth!

Quote from Adult Chris

Mr. Newton: And the stock market crashed. It was unprecedented. I mean, can you imagine putting all your money in a piggy bank, and then one day it's gone?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] It was nice to have another Black person at school who wasn't asked to carry a mop.

Quote from Adult Chris

Joey Caruso: Oh, hey, I forgot my test.
Mr. Newton: C. Way to go. [chuckles]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I guess that was his way of keeping the White man down.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: What is going on in here?
Tonya: Drew hit me.
Rochelle: Did you hit your sister?
Drew: No, Ma, I was watching the hockey game and...
Rochelle: I don't care what game you were watching? I'm raising men in this house, and men do not hit women.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That meant you couldn't hit a girl even if you were supposed to hit her.
[fantasy: Drew is in the boxing ring with a girl opponent:]
Rochelle: You better not hit that girl.

Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] And with that, Tonya learned the magic words. She could do anything she wanted, as long as it was followed by "Drew hit me."
[fantasy: Drew is watching TV on the couch:]
Tonya: Ma!
Rochelle: What's going on in here?
Tonya: I'm trying to take Drew's sock and he hit me.
Rochelle: Boy, you better give her your sock.
[fantasy: Drew is eating at the table:]
Tonya: Ma!
Rochelle: What is going on in here?
Tonya: I was trying to take Drew's breakfast and he hit me.
Rochelle: Boy, you better give her your breakfast.
[fantasy: Tonya is pinning Drew down:]
Tonya: Ma!
Rochelle: What is going on in here?
Tonya: I'm trying to break Drew's arm and he hit me.
Rochelle: Boy, you better let her break your arm.

Quote from Mr. Omar

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Every time we saw Mr. Omar he wanted to borrow something.
Julius: Hey, Mr. Omar.
Mr. Omar: Oh, hey, Mr. Julius. [silence]
Julius: Can I help you?
Mr. Omar: Well, you know, I was about to go and use the pay phone to make a phone call, but since you're home, I might as well use your phone.
Julius: What happened to your phone?
Mr. Omar: To tell you the truth, I don't know.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I do.
[fantasy: a woman works at a telephone exchange:]
Operator: If he's not going to talk to me, he's not going to talk to anybody. [pulls cable]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He's lucky she didn't work for the electric company.
[reality:]
Julius: It's not a long-distance call, is it?
Mr. Omar: Oh, no, it's local.
Julius: All right, go ahead.
Mr. Omar: Thank you. You a gentleman and a scholar.

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Algebra wasn't the only thing I didn't know. And everything I didn't know, he was determined to teach me. He taught me language...
Mr. Newton: Veni, vidi, vici. "I came, I saw, I conquered."
Chris: Eenie, meenie, miney, mo... Catch a tiger by the toe.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He taught me history.
Mr. Newton: The Vitruvian Man.
Chris: The hangman. Pick a letter.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He taught me science.
Mr. Newton: Your turn. [hands Chris a scalpel]
Chris: Got anything bigger?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Please don't kill me in the name of science... ribbet!

Quote from Joey Caruso

Chris: Man, I can't believe this. The guy's going to kill me. It's not like I didn't have it bad enough coming to this school from the other side of town, having the kids kick the crap out of me. But now the teacher's going to kick the crap out of me, too.
Joey Caruso: Quit complaining, Kareem. I love this guy. Man, I didn't like him at first because of the whole Black thing, but I'm doing better at math now. And the things he taught me about jazz, forget about it. [knocks Chris's books out of his hands]

Quote from Adult Chris

Mr. Newton: Chris, may I have a word with you?
Chris: Yes, sir.
Mr. Newton: This upcoming test is a measure of your overall abilities as a student. Now, if you don't score in the 90th percentile, I'm going to recommend that you repeat eighth grade.
Greg: What?!
Chris: You can't do that.
Mr. Newton: I can and I will.
Chris: Are you serious?
Mr. Newton: As a catastrophic cardiac infarction.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Stop showing off. Just say heart attack.
Chris: I don't know how I'm going to do it, but this guy's got to go.
Greg: Maybe you could score in the 90th percentile and he'll have a catastrophic cardiac infarction.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Stop showing off. Just say "heart attack."

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] For the next few days, all I did was study for that test and try to figure out a way to get rid of Mr. Newton. I could call the feds and say Mr. Newton was working for the Mob.
[fantasy: a car pulls up outside the school as Mr. Newton steps out. A group of suited men jump out, blindfold Mr. Newton and throw him in the trunk of the car before speeding off]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I could call the Mob and say Mr. Newton was working for the feds.
[fantasy: a car pulls up outside the school as Mr. Newton steps out. A group of suited men jump out, blindfold Mr. Newton and throw him in the trunk of the car before speeding off]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Or I could call his wife and say he had a White woman on the side.
[fantasy: a car pulls up outside the school as Mr. Newton steps out. A woman jumps out, blindfolds Mr. Newton and throws him in the trunk of the car before speeding off]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] One way or another, he had to go.

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