
‘Everybody Hates the First Kiss’
Season 3, Episode 13 - Aired March 16, 2008
Chris wants to be invited to a spin the bottle party so he can have his first kiss with Tasha. Meanwhile, Drew reluctantly lends Mr. Omar money and is determined to get it back.
Quote from Tonya
Chris: I need you to do something for me.
Tonya: What?
Chris: I'm going out, and I need you to stay here and keep your mouth shut.
Tonya: That's five dollar's worth of need.
Chris: Fine. Mom will be back at 9:00, be in bed. And if I don't get in trouble, I'll pay you when I get back.
Tonya: Okay.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Tonya invested all of her extortion money and retired at 30.
Quote from Tonya
Adult Chris: [v.o.] While I had one foot in the grave, Tonya was digging up dirt.
Rochelle: Hey, baby.
Tonya: Hey, Ma. Can I ask you something?
Rochelle: Sure. What is it?
Tonya: Did you ever kiss Lance?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Smooth.
Rochelle: That, Tonya, is none of your business.
Tonya: Okay, well... do you love Lance more than you love Daddy?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Instead of beating around a bush, Tonya took a chainsaw to it.
Quote from Rochelle
Rochelle: Well, since you're so interested in knowing what happened, I guess I'll tell you. I was dating Lance and then I met your father. You want to know why I broke up with Lance?
Tonya: Why?
Rochelle: Because your father was, is and will always be the love of my life. Okay?
Tonya: Okay.
Rochelle: That okay with you, Julius?
Julius: Okay.
Quote from Rochelle
Susan's Mother: Hi, are you Chris's mother?
Rochelle: Yes. Why? What did he do?
Susan's Mother: He was at a party with my daughter, Susan, last Wednesday night.
Rochelle: Oh, no, no, no, I don't think so. Chris was here at home watching my daughter for me on Wednesday night.
Susan's Mother: Okay, well, somebody named Chris was at that party and she said that he lived here. Look, I'm just trying to inform everybody who was at the party that Susan was contagious and she has the mumps.
Rochelle: Well, I don't know what you're talking about because Chris doesn't have the mumps. One minute. Chris!
[Chris walks down the stairs with an enlarged neck]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Maybe the mumps will cushion my butt-whupping.
Quote from Adult Chris
Adult Chris: [v.o.] When I was 15 going on 16, the one thing I wanted most was a kiss from a girl, and I didn't care who it was as long as she wasn't in my family. At the time, I thought I would only get a kiss one of a few ways. There was "catch a girl, kiss a girl." She ran faster than Flo Jo. There was "kiss a girl and run like hell." And there was spin the bottle.
Quote from Adult Chris
Drew: Hey, man, you still like Tasha?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Does Angelina Jolie like Black babies?
Chris: Yeah.
Drew: You know she plays spin the bottle.
Chris: You're lying.
Drew: For real. Everybody's playing.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And he meant everybody.
[fantasy: a group of seniors play spin the bottle at a retirement home]
Chris: So, if I can get in the game, maybe I can get a kiss from her.
Drew: Yeah, if you're lucky.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] If I was lucky, I wouldn't be counting on an empty bottle to get me a kiss.
Quote from Greg
Chris: So, you ever kiss anybody?
Greg: Hah. Have I? You gotta be kidding me.
Chris: Cousins don't count.
Greg: Oh. Then no. Are you sure you really want to play spin the bottle? I mean, there's always a chance that you'll end up kissing somebody that's... I don't know. Let's just say...
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Ugly!
Quote from Chris
Chris: Oh, hey, Tasha. What's going on?
Tasha: Nothing. Just need to pick up some milk for my grandmother.
Chris: Oh. Would you like me to spin over there and get you a bottle?
Tasha: No. Why are you acting weird?
Chris: Oh, I just heard that you were at a party in the neighborhood the other night.
Tasha: What?
Chris: Yeah, you know, spin the...
Tasha: Hi-ya! [grabs Chris in a choke hold] Look, don't you ever, ever, ever repeat it.
Quote from Chris
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Tasha went on to become the first female Ultimate Fighter.
Tasha: I'm sorry, it's just if my grandmother finds out, she'll kill me.
Chris: Well, then, I just need to talk to Lisa.
Tasha: You can't ask her, she has to ask you, and you can't tell her I told you.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] It was like getting into the Mafia.
Chris: All right, well, give me something to work with. How do I get into the game?
Tasha: She likes Prince.
Chris: Okay.
Quote from Rochelle
Mr. Fong: Well, thank you for coming, Lionel Richie family.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] While I was being choked by Tasha, my mother's past was being revived.
Rochelle: Mm. "An old flame will be reignited." [chuckles] What does yours say, baby?
Julius: Oh, I don't care. They're all silly anyway.
Mr. Fong: No, no, they're real. My wife writes the fortunes. She can see into the future.
Julius: "Here comes Lance"?
Rochelle: Lance?
Lance: Rochelle? Is that you?
Rochelle: Oh, my God. Lance, what are you doing around here?
Lance: I just bought another Laundromat in the neighborhood. You know Sire Suds?
Rochelle: That's you?
Lance: That's me. Washing machines fit for a queen.